


Swallow

by Justadeangirl67



Series: Swallow [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bikers, Angst and Tragedy, Awesome Clint Barton, Bucky Barnes Feels, Childhood Sweethearts, Clintasha - Freeform, Deaf Clint Barton, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Jealousy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pepperony - Freeform, Possessive Bucky Barnes, Post-Break Up, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Clint Barton, Reader-Insert, Soft Bucky, Steggy - Freeform, Violence, biker!Bucky, james bucky barnes - Freeform, possible happy ending, probably not but it could happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2019-11-05 08:03:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17914985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justadeangirl67/pseuds/Justadeangirl67
Summary: Swallows choose a mate for life, and will only nest with that bird and no other; they travel long distances apart only to find their way to back to each other, again and again. Bucky knew the second he met you. You’re his other half; you’re his swallow.





	1. Still Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You come back home after being gone for five years, and everything is just as you left it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Nothing but angst for this chapter but series: Possessive, jealousy, heavy angst, violence. More to be added.
> 
> A/N: This is sort of a continuation of my one-shot ‘Home.’ It’s really more of an expansion on that idea I guess. Same warnings as before. Some possessive behavior from Bucky. He’s still extra soft. Send me love??? 
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

_**February 14 th, 2008** _

_James Buchanan Barnes was going to be the death of you._

_The way he looked at you. That little smirk. Those pretty blue eyes watching your every move. It made your insides quiver and your heart flip in ways you didn’t know existed outside of terribly written romance novels. You only wished he didn’t do it in the middle of class so you could concentrate on something besides those butterflies in your stomach._

_“It’s not just penguins you know. Did you all know that a swallow, once they have found their perfect match, they mate for life and if something ever happens, if they get separated from each other or one of them is injured, they will never mate with another.” The sound of the bell cut Ms. Hill short, and she frowned. “Ah, crap. Well, we can pick this up in our next class. Enjoy the rest of your Valentines and don’t forget your essays are due in a week!”_

_Everyone picked up their bags and scurried out of the classroom, you included._

_“Doll, wait up!” Bucky shouted, hot on your heels. You tried to bite back the smile on your face and seem annoyed with his persistence. He has been flirting with you and asking you out for nearly a year now, but you’ve watched as he’s dated girl after girl and it never gets passed one date. You weren’t interested in being just another one night to anyone, but especially not to Bucky. The way you felt about him was bigger than one night, and you didn’t think you could survive being cast aside once he got bored._

_Besides, if you got involved with him, it wasn’t just him was it? It was everything that came with being him and that included his father’s club._

_It didn’t take much for Bucky to catch up to you. He gently grasped your elbow and crowded into your space until your back was flush against the outside wall of the gym. “You know I was thinking while Ms. Hill was talkin’.” He dipped his head down whispering, “You’re my swallow. The second I laid eyes on you. I knew you were it for me and I’d never find another.”_

_You swore your heart was going to burst right out of your chest and into his hands. Why did he have to say sweet things like that when they were just a line. It wasn’t fair how weak he made you with so little effort on his part. You sagged against him letting him support your weight, but your face remained blank._

_“You do realize that every guy in our class is using that same line right now.” You managed to squeak out._

_Bucky shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m the only one that means it.”_

_“Come on.” He whispered as he ran his nose along yours, grinning when he heard your breath catch in your throat. “Go on a date with me. Please? I don’t wanna spend forever alone, doll” You knew you were going to regret this, but there was something about him… and you couldn’t shake it._

_For whatever reason, you couldn’t say no._

_“Okay,” you breathed against his lips. “One date.”_

_He pulled back before your lips could touch. Your first kiss wasn’t going to be against some smelly ass gym if Bucky had any say in it. “I’ll pick you tonight at seven. I’d wear jeans if I were you.” He gives your hip a gentle squeeze. “We’re going on a ride, baby girl.”_

_Your eyes widen. “But – but! I’ve never been on the back of a motorcycle!”_

_He smirked. “Good. I like being your first, pretty girl.”_

_You were such a goner._

**_\--------_ **

For the longest time, this blacktop that raced under you felt like if heaven was anywhere, it was right here with  _him_. Golden rays warming your cheeks, your chest pressed against his harsh leather, the brisk wind making your toes curl. With every turn, your heart would beat a little faster as your arms tightened around his waist as if he was the anchor that kept you safe and grounded. The squeal that would leave your lips every time he sped up, the deep chuckle and gentle kiss to your wrist that followed every single time.

His heartbeat was tethered to yours, and you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

That very same blacktop that held some of your favorite memories was holding every ounce of your pain and heartbreak, bringing it out from the dark place you had it buried. Every inch closer to home brought out another piece of heartache you thought was tucked safely away where it was unable to cause any more damage.  

It seemed he could still hurt you even when he was no longer holding you.

You had hoped the sight of your old home would bring you some kind of happiness, but it only felt like another dagger twisting deeper and deeper into your chest. Part of you hoped that all those sweet memories would override the bad, but deep down you knew those good memories never stood a chance. The only thing that brought a smile to your face was the dork standing out front, waving like a complete moron for all your neighbors to see.

Clint jumped off the porch and ran right towards you scooping you up the second you were within arm’s reach. He spun you around a few times before letting you land not so gracefully back on your feet. “Shit I missed you, bug. Been way too fucking long.”   
  
“I talk to you every day Clint.” You replied as you walked back to unlock the back of your jeep, slipping your phone in the back pocket of your jeans as your eyes scan the street for any sign of that black and chrome motorcycle. God must be on your side because there was just some old black SUV parked across the street.

No bikers in sight. Besides Clint.

Clint rolled his eyes as he followed you around to the back of your jeep. “Not the same as you being here and actually getting to see you.” You shook your head and kissed his cheek before grabbing some boxes. It was only a matter of time before  _he_  was brought up. You just wanted to get your things inside, shower and maybe finish off the bottle of wine you stuffed in your suitcase before Clint uttered his name.

Silent bouts of tension filled the air and that was when you knew you weren’t going to even make it through the front door.

“He know you’re back?” Clint questioned as he pulled the two large boxes you were attempting to carry all on your own -- you weren’t on your own anymore, Clint wished you would realize that.

You cleared your throat and reached for some of the smaller boxes and the old wooden box that was wrapped securely in a blanket, refusing to look up and meet Clint’s eyes as you headed for the house. Clint wasn’t going to let it drop that easy though. You knew where all of this was going, and you didn’t want to think about it all just yet. The last thing you wanted to do is think about the man that broke your heart.

After all, he was the whole reason you left town and left your entire life behind.  

“Ah, shit. Y/n…” You could hear the disappointment in his voice, and that unexpectedly stung. Clint shook his head. “You know it’s only a matter of time before he finds out. If he doesn’t already know.”  

Your disappointment faded and it was quickly replaced a deep ache that nothing could cure. You know, you’ve tried everything to wash his mark off you. There was nothing that could take his claim off your heart.No one except you needed to know that. You looked up at Clint and shrugged as carefree as you could manage with a poised heart infecting every inch of you. Clint didn’t need to know how deeply you still burned for him.

“Why does he need to know, hm?” You dropped the boxes on your old bed and began to unpack, intent on ignoring where this conversation was headed.

“Because you’re his and you know it,” Clint said matter-of-factly. “You’ve been his since we were kids. That doesn’t change because you left town.”

“That was a long time ago.” You whispered. “James Barnes doesn’t have a claim on me anymore.”

The feel of his name rolling off your tongue felt… strange and just as painful as you thought it would. You’ve spent the last five years avoiding anything that had to do with that man as if just the sound of his name on your lips would burn you. The thought of saying it again made your heart race in the most devastatingly beautiful way, and you hated the hold he still had on you.

You were still the fool in love with the past.

Clint’s eyes dropped to your wrist, and you quickly tugged the sleeve of your sweater down before he could get a good look. You knew what he was looking for and frankly, it was none of his damn business. The only people it concerned was you and Bucky. You doubted he would even care what was written on your wrist. He certainly didn’t care what was written within your heart.

“You ever going to tell me why you left?” Clint prodded gently.

“Nope.” You turned around and continued unpacking, avoiding looking him in the eye as much as you could. Clint sighed as he gently kicked the larger boxes towards the closet.

“You’re not supposed to keep secrets and lie to your brother.” He scolded making you snort.

“Adoptive brother.” You corrected. “I don’t think that counts. It’s not even legal Clint. You just took me in, refused to let me leave and tell everyone I’m your sister.”

“Okay, first off.” He pointed a finger at you. “That’s rude and second, it absolutely counts.” A small laugh slipped out, but he could tell you were still all up in your head about something, and it had to do with being here -- with being home. You nearly didn’t come back. If Clint hadn’t begged you, you weren’t sure you would have had the courage.  Clint had a feeling it had more to do with  _who_  home was to you.

“Hey. Just stop all this.” He insisted. “You can unpack later.”

He grabbed photo albums and shoes in your arms and dropped them back on the bed. “I know It had to be bad for things to go down the way they did. You know Buck didn’t talk to anyone for months? Months, Y/n. Steve had to drag him out of his room and force him to put something besides liquor in him. Couldn’t get him to go on runs. Nothing. He still won’t talk about you to anyone, and no one talks about you around the club.  He turned over his patch to Steve the morning you left.”

You blinked and shook your head in disbelief. There was no way he did that. No way he gave that up because of you.

“W-what?”

Clint nodded, “Yeah, he stepped down and reluctantly took the VP patch.” He kissed your forehead and fidgeted with his hearing aids as he backed out of your room, attempting to give you a moment to yourself. “I’ll bring in the rest of your boxes. Think about what you want for dinner but either way, I’m ordering pizza.”

“Pizza is fine and take out your aids. I know they are bugging you,  _brother._ ”  You called after him. He grinned and pumped his fist in the air like the dweeb that he was.

You sighed and dropped down to your bed eyes landing on the wooden box peeking out from the blanket you had used to try and hide it from Clint and maybe from yourself. “Stop judging me. You’re just a dumb box.” You picked up the judgmental box that was still wrapped in your old blanket and shoved it into the back of the closet setting your box of shoes on top of it.

Some things you still weren’t ready to face.

 ** _\--------_**  

Damn did Bucky hate listening to the radio when he worked in the garage. It was like that fuckin’ song came on repeat just to torment him every single time. Five years after it all went down, and he still had to listen to it? The damn song is nearly fifteen years old. Shouldn’t there be a limit on how long a song was allowed to be played on the air? This had to be well past the limit.  

“It’s been a while since I could say I wasn’t addicted.” Peter sang loudly into the mop handle as he swept around the garage. Bucky looked up over Steve’s bike and narrowed his eyes as the prospect continued on. “It’s been a while since I’ve gone and fucked things up like I always do." Bucky groaned, and Peter only got louder,  "but all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you-- Ow. Shit!” He looked down at the screwdriver laying on the floor and then back at Bucky who smiled.

“You could have taken my eye out!” He squealed as he rubbed the side of his head where the screwdriver had struck him.

Bucky grinned at the kid, “Was aiming for your voice box, but eye would have worked fine.”

“That’s… rude. I don’t sing that bad.”

“It’s not you. It’s the song, Peter.” Steve deep voice rumbled through the garage and his hand slammed down on the top of the radio, silencing the dreaded song. “No music while Buck is working in the garage. Especially not that song. Go find something to clean over there by Sam, kid.” He shoved Peter towards the other end of the garage as he made his way towards Bucky.

“Hey, punk. You come to check on your girl?” Bucky asked with a smug grin, hiding his thanks behind it.

Steve smirked and sat down on the stool next to Bucky and held out one of the two beers in his hand, “Yeah, you fuckin’ jerk.” He nodded towards the bike in front of Bucky. “How she doin’?”

Bucky reached out and took the bottle setting it on the floor next to him. “She’ll be fine. Gettin’ her cleaned up now and a fresh coat of paint as soon as that is done, she’ll be road ready. Maybe don’t lay her down next ride though? Stop being a reckless idiot before Peggy beats your ass.”

“Like I had much choice.” Steve snorted. “Red Skulls are getting out of hand, and I don’t like how much time they are spending in our territory. They need to be dealt with, and I won’t have them this close to the girls. I don’t like it.”  

Bucky gave a slight shrug as he spun the wrench around his fingers. There was only so much they could do right now. Sherriff was breathing down their necks. They had runs to make that needed to go unnoticed and starting a war with another club wasn’t the best idea if they wanted to stay under the radar, but Steve was right. If they were willing to lay Steve down in the middle of the day the girls most likely weren’t safe. At least one of the girls were out of danger.

“How you wanna handle it?”

“Not sure yet.” Steve sighed. He was dreading what he had to tell Bucky next. There was no way of knowing how he was going to handle it. “We’ve got a bigger problem right now.”

Bucky sat up straighter and crossed his arms over his chest an amused grin on his face. “Well, color me interested, Stevie. What’s so important?”

“Y/n is back.”

The grin slowly fell, and his arms dropped to his side. Of all the things he thought Steve was going to say, that was not on the list. In fact, it was nowhere near the list.

Peter leaned over to Sam and whispered, “Who is Y/n? Why does Mr. Bucky look like he’s going to throw up?”

Sam sighed and shook his head, eyes stuck on Bucky. “Stop calling him Mr. Bucky. It’s weird. It’s just Bucky and don’t worry about her. She’s… She’s Bucky’s, old lady.”

Peter frowned, clearly confused. He was so little when Y/n left and didn’t spend much time around the club. No one has ever mentioned her before, and he has never seen Bucky with a woman or even talk about one. Now he has an old lady? “I thought he was single. He never talks about her.”

“Go get the bar set up for tonight before Bucky kills you.” Sam grabbed his shoulders and walked him towards the clubhouse. “I don’t want to find another recruit to replace you because you can’t keep your mouth shut about Y/n. If you want to see tomorrow, you won’t bring her up to Buck.”

Bucky cleared his throat and looked down at the wrench in his grease-stained hands. “Where did you spot her?” He whispered, trying to keep his voice clear of emotion. It would have worked if he was talking to anyone else. Steve knew him too well to be that easily fooled.

Steve watched him carefully, deciding how he wanted to answer. He wasn’t sure what was going on in his head, but he knew when it came to Y/n Bucky didn’t always think things through. That’s how several men ended up in the ICU for getting a little too handsy. Either he jumped on his bike drove over to Clint’s threw her over the back and dragged her ass back to the clubhouse, or he enlisted whiskey to help wash away any memory of her, and he locked himself away from everyone. Steve didn’t have any other options though, he knew Bucky would tear up the town looking for her if he refused to tell him.

“She was at home. With Clint. Her jeep was fully loaded, and he was helping her carry stuff inside.”

His heart flipped, and he swore it dropped into his stomach. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help the part of him that was already begging to have her back by his side, “She’s home for good then?” He asked, hopefulness creeping up in his voice even though he tried to suppress it.

“Maybe,” Steve shrugged. “I didn’t stop in. She’s at least home for a long visit with the amount of stuff I saw Clint unloading from her jeep.”

A long visit. Bucky had a feeling that wasn’t it. Not with the way they left things. She wouldn’t have come back if she didn’t intend on making it a forever move. Then again, she didn’t let him know she was coming home. That’s alright. He can work with tats as long as she was back. He won her heart before he can do it again.

“You gonna go see her?”

Bucky ducked his head, letting his hair cover his face and hide the small smile pulling at his lips. He’s been waiting for this day for five years. It was only a matter of time before she came back home. Before she came back to him.

“Nah.” He breathed. “When she’s ready she’ll find me.”

They always find their way back to each other.

It just takes her a bit longer to find her way back.


	2. Broken Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brothers are stupid and exes will always break your heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Angst & cursing. Possessive and jealous Bucky (mild but it’s still there)
> 
> A/N: I know. I know. The warnings. I’d say I’m sorry but... It’s gonna be the whole fic. So? Tiny insight into what happened. Just rush to judgments babies. Just wait and see. I edited but I’m five glasses deep in a bottle of wine so... probably missed something.😂 On Tumblr @all1e23. Come hang out with me. 
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission.Thanks!***

“Mornin’” Clint grunted from the kitchen stool he was slumped on. He had the entire carafe of coffee in his hand and was drinking straight from the top. You shook your head and held out your mug letting him pour some into your cup, smiling fondly. **  
**

Everything was just as you left it.

‘What are you up to today?’ You signed after setting your cup down. ‘Club?’

He nodded and turned his head so you could see he had his hearing aids in. “You can talk, bug. I don’t mind keeping them in.”

“I know I can. I also know they bother you.” You shrugged. “And, you have to wear them all the time around the club. You shouldn't have to at home.” You gave Clint a hard time for the whole fake sibling thing, but truth be told you would be crushed if he ever stopped considering you his family. After your dad passed all the family you had left was the club and not long after the funeral, Bucky took that all away from you too. 

Through everything, Clint has never left you. He has never let you down, and as much as you like to tease him over it, you love him a little more each time he calls you sister.

And he knew it.

“Why don’t you come down to the clubhouse?” Clint grinned behind the carafe. “Nat will be there. Peggy, too. Someone has to keep Steve in line.”

“Bucky will be there.” You pointed out. “Not interested.”

“So this is how it’s gonna be? You’re gonna hide away from everyone because of your high school boyfriend--” You narrowed your eyes at him, and he held up a hand in surrender. “Fine! I know he was more than your high school boyfriend, but you can’t just lock yourself up in the house. I missed you. Nat missed you. Steve missed you.”

You snorted. 

“He did!” He defended. 

Sure, he did. Right.

“Steve is on Buck’s side in all this. I know that for a fact.” Clint may not know what Steve did, what he said to you that night but you haven’t forgotten. It’s burned into your memories and filled nearly all your nightmares.

“Please come.” He whined with a small pout tugging at his features.  “We’re having a family cookout, and everyone is bringing the wives and kids. You should see Tony and Peppers boy. He’s all grown up and a pain in the ass.”

“I’m no longer allowed at club events. Per the club’s vice president.” You hissed, crossing your arms over your chest. “If I remember correctly I was told, ‘Once you walk away from me and the club you can’t ever come back.’”

Clint started digging around in his pockets for something and sighed. “Buck was hurting that night. We were all hurting. I know without a doubt you’re allowed to come.”

“Oh, and how do you know that for a fact--” You looked down at Clint’s phone as he slid it across the counter into your empty hand. Your eyes scanned over the group message, and you suddenly it was hard to breathe.

**Clint: I’m guessing you heard Y/n is back. She wants to come to the cookout tonight. That alright?**

**Steve: Of course. She’s your sister Clint. She’s always welcome. As long as she knows the rules. We’re all good.**

**Buck: She knows the rules, Steve.**

**Clint: Thanks. I’ll remind her either way. See ya at chapel.**

**Buck: Yeah, okay.**

**Buck: Is she….**

**Buck: Okay?**

**Clint: Just as feisty as ever.**

**Buck: Wouldn’t want her any other way.**

You pushed the phone back towards Clint, ignoring the way your whole body began to tingle and the thudding of your heart against your chest. Thanks to your dumb sweet brother you now had to go this stupid club event. If you didn’t go, it would look like you backed out because you had an issue with the club. Which would end in Steve coming by to talk to you about what was expected of an ex-old lady and the thought of sitting through that made your skin crawl.

“You did that on purpose didn’t you?” Clint shrugged, and you threw a balled-up napkin at his head which he skillfully dodged. “Now I have to go, or it’s gonna be a club thing. You’re making this impossible to avoid him.”

Clint’s smile widened into a toothy grin.

“Ugh, that’s your plan isn’t it?” You accused. “Force us together and hope I forget everything because he flashes those pretty eyes at me? You’re the worst fake brother on the planet. Maybe the universe.”

“Hey! Watch it. That wounds.” He set the carafe down on the counter and gathered his phone and wallet up. “And if you’re still saying he has pretty eyes you’re not as over him as you tell me you are.”

 _That_  was uncalled for.

“You want me to give you a ride in?” He asked, slipping his leather on over his grey work shirt. Your eyes fell to the dark blue script on the front,   _Barnes Mechanics_. Just like that, your heart sped up, and you were back in the garage, sitting on top of the counter with Bucky pressed between your legs. You could feel his hands roaming up your back, his lips on your neck as if no time has passed at all. 

It never did take much to bring you back to when your world began and ended with James Barnes.  

Clint snapped his fingers in front of your face making you blink a few times to refocus on him. His eyes glinted with concern.  You quickly shook it off and raised a brow, ignoring his worry. For the moment. If you didn’t get your baggage under control soon, he wouldn’t let it drop.

“You know very well I can’t be on the back of anyone else’s bike. Rules.”

“Hello, brother! It doesn’t count.” He eyed you for a moment longer before he nodded, seeming to buy your facade. “And my old lady is working the bar for tonight. I doubt it will be an issue.”

It didn’t matter. Or maybe it did matter, and that was the problem. You knew no one would bat an eye if you showed up on the back of Clint’s bike, but the idea of being on the back of anyone else’s bike made your stomach flip in the worst way.  It felt a lot like you would be betraying Bucky.

Which was insane considering his hands were the ones covered in betrayal.

“I’ll take my jeep. That way I can leave when I’m ready. I don’t party like I used to.”

“You going to talk to him while you’re there?” 

“Nope. Drop it, Clint.”

“You’re both stubborn pains in the ass.” He rubbed his temples and sighed. “If the two of you talked maybe we could finally let this shit go.”

“Not gonna happen.” You assured him. “I’m sure he can find some club girl to talk to and ease his worries.”

“Pain. In. My ass.”

\-------- 

There were around thirty or forty bikes and a few cars scattered in the grass lot in front of the clubhouse. You assumed the increase in four-door vehicles were thanks to all the kids running around the yard. Most of the people standing around you didn’t know. A further reminder of exactly how much you no longer belonged here. You weren’t sure what you thought you were going to feel when you finally made your way back here.  Empty or maybe a bit of nostalgia? You didn’t feel either of those. You did feel an overwhelming, gut-wrenching pain but that was all thanks to a particular blue-eyed biker standing over a few feet away from you.

Your eyes landed on the black and chrome beauty parked right up front, the bright red star painted on the side was glaring back at you, and you could feel your heart being ripped in half all over again.

Some blonde chick you didn’t recognize was sitting on your seat and leaning on your --  _no_.  _Not yours._  The bike isn’t yours, and neither is the man. Not anymore. You watched as she leaned forward and whispered something in Bucky’s ear. You wanted to yank her off his bike by her hair. There was a flash of worry on his face as he leaned over the handlebars of his motorcycle to whisper something back to her.

“Some things never change,” you mutter to yourself as you hopped out of your jeep and slowly walked through the mess of kids playing towards the clubhouse, fidgeting with your white t-shirt and suddenly feeling very self-conscious about how dressed down you were. There were club girls all over the place, dressed in as little clothing as possible. No one was going to doubt how much you don’t fit in it here.

You never really did from the beginning, and you certainly didn’t now.

“Well holy shit,” Tony shouted across the grass lot as he jogged towards you and wrapped you in a huge hug, lifting your feet off the ground just barely. “Look at you! You know I can see your black lacey number right through your shirt, right? That’s gonna drive him crazy.”

You chuckled and kissed his cheek. “That’s the point.”

All the commotion had grabbed Bucky’s attention, he looked up to meet your eyes, and for the first time in five years, he felt like he wasn’t drowning. He felt like he could breathe without gasping for each and every breath. The woman in front of him tugged on his leather failing to gain his attention. His eyes were glued to you, and you couldn’t help but feel a little smug.

Nat frowned from the seat of his bike and turned around to see what had his attention.

“О, парень. Ты в беде.”

“Don’t remind me, Tash,” he sighed, eyes still glued to the only woman that could ever hold his heart. 

“I guess I should get back behind the bar and get off what belongs to her.” She winked at bucky and slipped off his bike. “I’d keep the club girls off you today. She won’t like it, James.”

“No, she won’t like it all.” He muttered to himself watching as you ruffled Peter’s hair, but your eyes were burning into the back of Natasha’s head. You couldn’t make out who she was, but you wanted to end her. What the hell did she think she was doing? Touching what belonged -- what once belonged to you.

Tony grinned and leaned over whispering in your ear, “Down girl. It’s just Natasha. He’s still yours. Don’t worry your pretty head.” Your eyes landed back on the blonde, and you caught a glimpse of her face, and you deflated enough to make Tony chuckle.

“He hasn’t been mine in years, Tony.” You mumbled softly.

‘Whatever helps you sleep at night spitfire.”

\-------- 

You slid up to the bar and narrowed your eyes at the tiny former red-head. “Where was my welcome home, huh? Just leave me alone with Clint and all his overprotective brotherness?”

Nat grinned and shrugged one shoulder as she filled a pint behind the bar. “Wanted to give you some sibling time. Let you have time to adjust to being back. I stayed with Wanda last night. I’ll be back home tonight. Don’t you worry.”

“I see you changed your hair.” You said, mouth set in a thin line. There was a tiny hint of jealousy sparkling in your eyes. 

She laughed and shook her head as she slid a glass across the bar top winking as she did. “He’s still all yours. No one, blonde or otherwise, is taking your place. I have a feeling you knew that before you even showed up though.”

Your eyes quickly scanned the room to try and find the biker in question. It only took you seconds to spot him. Bucky was on the other side of the bar with Clint, taking a slow drag off his cigarette, his hair down and tucked behind his ears and of course, he had his leather on. Thank God you were sitting down because it would have been the highlight of embarrassment to fall flat on your face when your knees gave out.

A shot glass filled with something clear landed in front of you, and you looked up finding Nat smirking at you. “Come on Ms. He-Doesn’t-Own-Me-Anymore. Take the shot. Let loose a bit. Maybe if you get drunk, the two of you will actually talk and realize the mistake that was made by you both.” You met her piercing green eyes, and it hit you, she knew what happened. Bucky had told her what happened that night, but she hasn’t said anything to Clint?

Your eyes flicked over to Clint, he was laughing at something Bucky had said and was patting Steve on the shoulder. No, there was no way he knew. There was no way he could stand to be around them if he knew what Bucky had done.

“He doesn’t know. It’s not my story to tell.” Natasha’s voice pulled your attention back to her. “He would like it if you told him. It eats him up that you ran off and wouldn’t turn to him when you were hurting. I think you forget that you're all the family he has too.”

“I can’t tell him, Nat,” You whispered in weak protest. “He would turn in his patch. You know he would. He would throw punches and think later.” You reached for the shot and slam it back before you could think twice and immediately start coughing from the burn. Leave it to Nat to give you the most potent stuff behind the bar. 

“Holy shit. What the hell was that?” You asked, your smile slowly dropping as you notice her eyes were on your wrist.

“You got it removed?” Nat nodded towards your arm, her expression was blank as usual, but there was a bit of disappointment in her voice. Like a mother getting ready to scold her child for acting foolish.

“Oh. I, um…” 

You looked down at your wrist and slip your bracelets back down, quickly hiding your arm under the bar top, but you weren’t fast enough. Bucky had spotted your bare wrist from the other side of the bar, and the sight of your unmarked skin made him sick. You went and erased everything you were, removed everything you ever meant to each other. All the while Bucky was fighting to stay afloat without you.

“That’s a pretty bold statement. You know that means you’re no longer Bucky's right? His claim on you is gone, and you’re free to date whoever you want. Club members included.” She tilted her to the side. “Not that they would because James would rip them apart for even thinking about it.”

“I know what it means, Nat. What does it matter anyway? I stopped mattering to him a long time ago. This club is important than I ever was.” Your eyes fell to the empty shot glass as you traced your finger around the rim.

“I don’t know where your head is at, but James has never had eyes for anyone but you. He hasn’t even dated since you left.” She said, unimpressed and maybe, slightly angry with you. “As for the club? He would give it up. He would walk away from the club and all of us if you asked him too.”

“Been there. Done that, Nat.” You spat.

You didn’t mean to get so short with her, but you couldn’t control your tongue when it came to Bucky, and that was why you shouldn’t have come tonight. Nat only knew his tale of that night. She didn’t know what you asked of him. What you had begged of him that night. She had no idea the lengths you went to keep him and how he shoved it back in your face.

All for the god damn club.

“You’ve got it all wrong, Y/n.” Nat leaned over the bar and kissed your cheek gently. “You should talk to him about that night. You both made several mistakes, and you can’t fix them by running away.”

Her eyes fell onto the seat next to you, and you were about to ask her what she meant when a tall dark-haired man dropped onto the stool next to you. He smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable from his attention.

“Hey there, who are you?” He asked with a small smile.

“Um, Y/n?” You glance around the club, completely thrown by what was happening. No one came up and started a conversation with you or any of the wives for that matter. But you? Especially not you. Buck had a short fuse when it came to you and more often than not it got him in trouble.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl.” He grinned, as you shifted in your seat eyeing Tony and Nat for help. “I’m Eddie Brock.”

You eyed him cautiously. You didn’t know who he was or what his affiliation was. No kutte. No patch. Was he trying to patch in? Hitting on you wasn’t going to make that happen. Buck would make sure he didn’t patch in based on that alone. In his defense, if he was new, he probably didn’t know who you were. Your eyes landed on Nat for a moment, and even she looked nervous.

“Are you…” You lifted your hand and twirled your finger in the air, gesturing to the club.

“Thinkin’ about it.” He smiled and leaned closer towards you. “Now that I know you’ll be around I'm thinking about it a little harder.” You wanted to laugh in his face. Such a _line._  Like it would be that easy to patch in and then what? You would just fall all over him because he was wearing a patch and leather?

You made that mistake once before, and you’re not in the habit of repeating your worst mistakes.

Tony cleared his throat obnoxiously loud from a few stools down and forced a grin. “I’d walk away if I were you. That little thing is spoken for.  Even if she forgot.”

You wrap your hand around your wrist, covering the unmarked skin.

“She doesn’t seem spoken for. I don’t see a bit of claim on her.” It was true. No one from the club had touched you all night, but that didn’t mean someone hadn’t claimed your heart years ago. He slipped his arm around your shoulders, and you stiffened next to him. He smelled like a barroom floor, and the feel of another man’s hands on you made you cringe. Clint was off his stool and marching towards you but before he could reach your side of the bar someone had already snatched Eddie up and tossed him to the floor.

In the time it took you to turn around and see who had grabbed him, Eddie had a busted lip and what looked like a broken nose. Bucky was shoving him out the front door, growling. “She’s claimed. Next time you touch her I break your fuckin’ jaw.”

The air around them had shifted to something dark and uneasy. If it had been anyone else, any other member and any other woman, things would have gone back to normal as if nothing happened but it wasn’t just any guy, and you weren’t just any woman. You looked down to see the blood covering his knuckles and back up to meet his eyes.

“Not much has changed I see.”

Bucky sighed and wiped his knuckles on his jeans. “He was touching what’s mine. I’m not going to apologize for punching some guy that had his hands all over you.”

“I’m not yours, James.” You hissed. “You made that perfectly clear five years ago.”

Bucky eyed the rest of the club, and they all quickly turned away pretending to enjoy the party around them that suddenly seemed very dull. He stepped towards you and slipped his finger in your belt loop, tugging you closer to him as his free hand fell onto your hip. “You know that’s not what happened.” He whispered. “You know there hasn’t been a moment of my life when I haven’t been yours.”

You swat his hand away. “Don’t do that. I don’t want one of your lines.”

His open his mouth and quickly shut it. It was pointless to do this here. He ran his hand through his hair, nodding towards your arms. “Are you hurt?”

“No, Buck.” You said, much softer than before.“He just put his arm around my shoulder.” His eyes darkened, and you had to grab hold of his kutte to keep him from chasing after Eddie.

“Quit!” You scolded him. “You don’t need to do that. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself.”

“I never said you couldn’t darlin’.”  He grinned at you, his eyes flickered from your hands clutching his leather and back up to your eyes. “I’m glad your home.” He breathed quietly. “I’ve missed you, baby doll.”

“Buck.” You whimper softly. “Don’t. Please. Not here.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Okay.”

He grabbed your hands from his kutte and pulled them off, bringing them up to his lips where he placed a gentle kiss to your fingertips. Your eyes landed on the swallow inked onto his hand, and you knew he did that on purpose. He wanted you to know that it was still there and more importantly, he saw yours wasn’t.

“Can we talk this week?” He asked, hope creeping up in his voice. You couldn’t answer without your voice cracking, so you nodded, eyes glued to his hand.

Someone called out his name, might have been Sam but you were too far gone to notice. He slowly let go of your hands and made his way to the other side of the clubhouse as you sank back onto the stool in front of you.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking...” You blew out a breath, looking over at Nat. “The second I saw him it was like no time had passed at all. As if none of it ever happened. He was still mine, and I was still his for just a moment, and I realized just how easy things would be to slip right back into the past.”

“Would that be so bad?” She asked with a short shrug. “He’s missed you. We’ve all missed you. I know you’re still in love with him. I can see it written all over you. Tattoo or not.”

You didn’t have the strength to deny her accusations. Not after having Bucky's hands on you, but it never lasted long did it? You watched as one of the club girls crawled into his lap and his hands immediately gripped her waist. That was your last straw for the night. You couldn’t handle the sight of another woman touching him even if he was no longer yours. Your heart couldn’t stand it. You slammed back the shot that was intended for Nat and headed for the door.

Nat’s brow furrowed but she followed your eyes to where Bucky was pushing the girl off his lap and shaking his head. She didn’t have to read his lips to know what he was saying. It was the same thing any time a girl tried to get close to him,  _Sorry, honey. My heart and hands are taken._

“Y/n, wait!” She called you. “That’s not what it looks like.” You threw your hand up, dismissing her completely. This was why you stayed away for so long. You couldn’t be around him if you don’t belong to one another and you didn’t have time for games anymore.

You were done with the club and done with him.

“The past should stay the past, Natasha.”  

\-------- 

You tossed your bag onto the counter and pulled your phone from your pocket, seeing the string of missed calls and texts from Clint. You weren’t going to deal with that now. You walked into the hall bathroom and pulled your bracelets off tossing them onto the sink as you flipped the water on.

The water ran over your skin as you steadily worked your thumb over your wrist allowing the gentle motions and the water wash away the coverup and letting the black ink gleam back at you. You took a deep breath as you looked down at it and dropped down in front of the sink, letting your head rest against the cold porcelain as the water slowly chips away the rest of your lie.

God, do you wish you could have gotten it removed. You tried. Several times. And every time you couldn't go through with it. 

As much as you wanted to lose him and remove his hold on you, you knew you would never entirely be rid of him.

His claim on you was inked onto more than just your skin.


	3. Soarched Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old feelings can burn you no matter how deep they are buried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Possessive Bucky. Protective Clint. Protective Steve. Angst. Bucky being soft. and a little bit of a jerk. He’s a jerk, but a soft jerk. 
> 
> A/N: The long awaited chapter! Sorry, this took so long, but it’s finally here. Not a whole lot of happiness in this chapter, but I hope you still like! Send me love??? 
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Thanks!*

Last night had not gone as anyone had hoped it would. 

Clint assumed getting you and Bucky in the same room would have led to some type of resolution, some sort of admission of love or hate. At this point he would take either, he was so tired of seeing you hurt. After you spent the night avoiding Bucky and then bolted out the front door without so much as a goodbye, Clint realized his usual ‘meddling brother’ antics weren’t going to work.

It wasn’t just Clint that was disappointed with how the night played out. Bucky had been confident it would only take seeing each other once to get the two of you on the road to recovery. That the pull between the two of you was still as strong as ever and you wouldn’t need more than one night to realize all the mistakes you both made. He would apologize and everything would right as rain.

Just like always.

This time was different though, and it wasn’t going to be like before.

Before you showed up that night, Natasha had tried to warn him it wouldn’t be that simple. Not with everything the two of you went through and not after the way you ran, determined to get as far away from him as you could. There wasn’t going to be an easy fix this time around. It wasn’t as if you fought over some run he had to go on or missing a date because of club business. If he wanted you back, it would take more than honeyed whispers in your ear.

Knowing all of that, a part of him still hoped when you finally laid eyes on him again, there would have been some indication that you loved him the way he loved you. All he saw was your naked wrist and all the pain you were trying so desperately to hide from him. You’ve never had to hide from him before, and he didn’t want you to start now.

The only person who knew exactly how last night was going to play out, was you. You knew your night was going to end in whiskey and tears the second you laid eyes on him. The headache and nausea you were feeling this morning were a result of not listening to your gut and staying as far away from the club and Bucky Barnes as you could.

Clint eyed you, humor dancing in his baby blues and a soft chuckle slipping from his lips as you stumbled out of your bedroom towards the coffee pot. You glared at him as you poured yourself a cup and attempted to smooth your hair down with your free hand. 

“Shut up, or I will disown you, brother.”

The loud rumble of a bike grew louder and came to a stop, from the sounds of it they stopped in your driveway. You quirked a brow at your brother who gave you a tentative smile as he set his own coffee cup down.

“I think this one’s for you.” He quipped.

“Me?” You asked. “What do you mean for  _me_?”

“I don’t know, sis.” He replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe something to do with drinking and driving, something like that might piss some people off.” He was still upset about last night, and you were guessing whoever was at the door was too.

You narrowed your eyes at him as a heavy-handed fist rapped against the front door. Clint walked towards the front door, and your eyes fell to your wrist, your tattoo was out in the open this morning, you quickly tugged the sleeves of Clint’s hoodie down and crossed your arms over your chest, grimacing at the state of you. Black leggings and an old Barnes Mechanics hoodie. That will make him regret leaving you. You had set your cup down on the counter and looked up right as Bucky stepped into the house and your heart stuttered just from the sight of him.

Stupid heart.

There were a few seconds of shared whispered between the two men and Bucky even chuckled at something Clint said, but you knew it was forced. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe even better than Steve.

Some parts of you are only meant to be seen by the other half of your heart.

His eyes landed you, and Bucky patted Clint’s shoulder on the blonds way onto the porch. He stepped around Clint and heading straight towards you as he pulled his gloves off. He always looked good but the way his black jeans were hanging low on his hips, his leather zipped tight around his chest. It was making your body tremble with want, you leaned back against the counter kitchen counter to keep yourself steady.

By the look in his eyes, he wasn’t there because he was happy to see you -- this wouldn’t be a friendly visit.

“To what do I owe the honor of your presence this early morning, vice president?” The venom lacing your words would have cut him, deeply, but he was too pissed to be stung by your callous words. The second he saw you storming out of the clubhouse, Bucky had tried calling you. He spent the rest of his night trying to get you to answer your phone. Clint had tried. Natasha had tried. You refused to answer anyone and when Clint finally got fed up and came home to check on your you were passed out next to a bottle of Jack.

Bucky wasn’t too happy with you this morning.

“What the hell are you doing driving drunk?” Bucky asked, ignoring your dig at his patch. The very same patch he took for you, not that you knew that and maybe you didn’t even care. 

“You know better than to drink and drive. If you’re gonna drink, I could have taken you home. Or Peter. Or Tony. How about your brother? Forget about Clint?”

“Oh, for Christ sake.” You grumbled under your breath. “I wasn’t drunk. I had two shots. I’ve watched you drink a hell of a lot more and drive your bike. With me on the back might I add.”

“That’s different!” Bucky shouted. “I know you're safe then! I called you probably fifty times  to make sure you were okay, and you wouldn’t answer your damn phone, Y/n!”

“Of course I didn’t answer! I’m not yours!” You shouted back. “You don’t get to come in here and yell at me because something didn’t go your way. If you wanted a say in my life, you shouldn’t have pushed me away!”

Bucky’s mouth set in a thin line and you knew he was holding back, there was something he wanted to say, but he wasn’t going to say it while Clint was on the front porch possibly listening to every word that the two of you were spewing at each other. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. Bucky needed to calm down. This wasn’t going to be the way he won you back, and he knew that.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Y/n.” He conceded, observing you. Looking for any hint at what you’re feeling.

“Then what are doing here?”

“You left yesterday because…” He sighed and stepped closer to you, shifting from one foot to the other. He wasn’t sure if he should just blurt it out or be delicate. He was having a hard time reading you, and he hated it. He’s never had that problem before. He’s always known what you were thinking, how to talk to you and since you’ve been home, everything has been different.

 _You’ve_  been different.

“What’s the matter? Hard to say it to my face?” You asked, jealousy souring your words. “Guess it’s easier when she’s curled up on your lap, and you can’t see my face because your head is buried in her tits, huh?” Even you could hear how jealous you sounded and judging by the smirk on Bucky’s face he heard it too.

Dumb handsome jerk!

“If you would have stuck around instead of letting your jealousy get the best of you, you would have seen that I pushed her off my lap.” He leaned forward closing the small distance that separated you and bumped his nose against yours, whispering. “I’ve got no interest in anyone curling up on my lap but you darlin’.”

“Sure have a funny way of showing it.” You murmured back, voice cracking as you placed your hand on his leather covered chest.

“Give me a break!” Bucky groaned and took a step back from you, giving you the space you wanted. “I was a kid, and you were asking a lot of a twenty-two-year-old that was just handed a shit ton of responsibility overnight.”

“You asked first if I recall.” You blew out a shaky breath and met his eyes. “Doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“It sure as hell does matter! You’re still hurt and I--” He stopped himself, reminding himself to calm down before he said something he was going to regret. His nerves were getting the best of him again. That’s the way it’s always been with you. The more time he spends wrapped up in you, the more he begins to unravel. How was he supposed to make you see how sorry he was, how right you are for each other if you kept looking at him like you  _that?_

As if you wanted to be around anyone, anything but him. 

“I don’t wanna talk about the damn club girl. I’m not interested in her. I’m only interested in you and how to fix us. How to get you back.” He reached out and grabbed your arm tugging you back against him. 

“You really need me to say it?” He asked in a soft whisper.

You were so close to him you had to tilt your head back to meet his eyes. You shrug slightly in response, not sure if you wanted to hear what he was about to say or not.

His forehead rested against yours anchoring himself in your eyes and trying to gather some semblance of strength. It didn’t use to be this hard to talk to you, but after everything, it seemed some things were going to take longer to restore.

“You’re still my swallow.” He breathed, his eyes locked on yours, glimmering with his nerves. “I should’ve run after you. I was a fuckin’ dumbass, baby. I knew it was a mistake the second you walked out of the door, but I was a stubborn dick. I thought I was doing what was right by you.”

“What does that mean? Doing right by me?” You asked, confused. That didn’t make any sense at all. How could hurting you the way he did have been doing what was right by you?

“I--” Bucky froze. Regret filling his features as he realized what he let slip. He didn’t want to get into that now. He couldn’t tell you like this, not when Clint was hanging around and who knew where Natasha was spying from. 

“We can talk about that another day, babydoll.”  Of course, you could. After he had time to fabricate some pathetic tale to try and trick you into forgiving him. There was nothing to talk about, and you knew that. You shook your head and took a step back from him forcing his hands off of you.

It was all just sweet words and utter  _bullshit._

“You know, I think my schedule is fully booked. I won’t have the time. You should take that little girl of yours out and tell her all your lies. She looked like a good time. I especially liked the ‘biker slut’ stamped on her lower back. Your daddy would be so proud of you.”  You hated what you were saying it. The thought of him touching someone else made you sick but you were angry and hurt, and it fell out of your mouth without a second thought. The flash anger that filled Bucky’s eyes let you know you went too far, bringing his dad into this stupid, pointless fight pushed Bucky over the edge and right into pissed off.

Bucky nodded towards your sweater covered wrist, hiding the pain behind his anger, he snapped. “Since you removed your tattoo I guess I’m free to do what I want, huh? Maybe I will. I wonder what her ass would look like with a swallow on it.” 

Silence filled the house as his words hung in the air and settled over both of you. He wanted to take it back.  _God_ , did he want to take it back the moment he said it but seeing those tears in your eyes? That was too much for him to take. Damn, he hated making you cry, and it’s happened more often than he would like to admit.

“Y/n--”

“I’m sure you two will be really happy together.” You stuttered as tears spilled over onto your cheeks. “I hope she handles your bullshit better than I could.”

“Baby doll.” He reached out for your wrist, but you pulled away before he ever got close to touching you and he sighed. “You know I didn’t mean that. No one else--”

“Please just leave, James.” You mumbled, bottom lip trembling as you tried to hold back your tears, not wanting him to have the satisfaction of knowing he can still make you cry after all this time.

 _James._  It was like ice in his veins. He hated the way it sounded on your lips. It sounded wrong, and he would do just about anything to take the pain and anger out of your voice. There was no chance to fix what he had done, to apologize. You were gone, hiding away in your room before he could blink.  

“Fuck me.” He groaned as he bounded out of the house, avoiding eye contact with Clint on his way out the door. Bucky knew he heard everything that was said the second he saw how tense Clint was leaning against the porch railing. Clint crossed his arms over his chest as Bucky stomped down the front steps towards his bike.

“Way to fuckin’ go man. That how you won her over the first time?” He called after him, his voice was light and full of snark, but Bucky could hear the malice under all of it.

“Shut it, Clint.” He snapped, slipping his gloves on and straddling his bike. He took a chance and looked up to meet Clint’s eyes. He ignored the angry dwelling in them and nodding towards the house. “Go check on her, please. I-- make sure she knows I didn’t mean it. There’s never been anyone but her. Never will be anyone but her.”

Clint’s eyes softened, only a fraction but they did soften.“Yeah, I know man. Everyone knows it’s only ever been Y/n.” He eyed the brunet and finally asked the question everyone has been thinking since you came home. “You thinkin’ she can fix your broken ass?”

“She’s the only one that can fix me, Clint,” Bucky replied instantly. No hesitation, because he knew without a doubt it was true. He didn’t need to think about it. You were the only one that could bring him back from the shell of a man he’s become.  \

“Listen, I’ll see you at chapel in a few hours. Steve wants everyone in. We’ve got some shit to talk about.” His wrist flexed slightly, and the bike roared to life under him, ending the interrogation Clint had started only a moment ago.

“Buck?” Clint shouted over the rumble of his bike, waiting till he got the taller mans attention before continuing. “You make her cry like that again, and you and I are gonna have a problem. I won’t be bringing it to the table. We clear?”

He gave a curt nod and pulled out of the driveway without another word. He had no intention of making you cry again, threat or not.

“Bug?” Clint knocked on your door and slowly nudged it open, not waiting for an answer. He had planned on asking if it was okay to come in, making sure you even wanted company, but the second he saw you laying on your bed with tears streaming down your face, he didn’t care if you wanted him there or not. He was by your side in a flash and collapsed next to you in bed, pulling you into his arms and letting you hide your tears in his shirt.

“It’s okay, bug.” He cooed softly in your ear. “I’m right here. Let it all out. It’s gonna be okay.”

“He asked me you know? Five years ago he asked me and now look at us.” Your voice was already hoarse from how raw your throat had gotten, and it only made Clint’s urge to beat Bucky into the ground that much stronger. It took a lot for him to keep his voice neutral, if you thought he was upset with Bucky, it would only add to what you were feeling -- and truthfully, he was worried you would run again. That was the last thing Clint wanted. 

He could keep his anger in check for you.

“Asked you what bug?” He pushed gently after you fell silent. He wasn’t sure what you were mumbling through all your tears, but you certainly had his attention. 

You sniffled, stuttered and sucked in a trembling breath as you attempted to calm yourself enough to answer. Every time you thought you were relaxed enough to answer another wave of sadness would rush over you, your mind racing to thoughts of who Bucky was with and where he went when he drove off, leaving you behind once again.  You choked out another soft sob hiding your face in Clint’s shirt, trying your best to avoid crying all over his leather.

He wouldn’t care if you did, he only wanted to help and if that meant ruining his leather then so be it.

“Talk to me, Y/n,” Clint begged as your silent sobs continued. “I’m freaking out here. I want to help, but I don’t know how, sis.” 

A small smile tugged at your lips as you tightened your hold on the fabric that was twisted in your fist, stretching and wrinkling his shirt. It took a few more minutes of stuttering breaths before you were able to stop your tears and put yourself in the right headspace to answer him.

“Right-- right before dad died Bucky asked me to marry him. He told me to take the weekend to think about it because it would be a big deal, being married to the club president and then the accident happened--” You blew out a shaky breath and wiped the few stray tears away.

“--And, well, here we are.”

Clint closed his eyes and leaned his cheek on top of your head. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but he was right to give you time to think bug. You just lost dad, and Buck just took over the club a few months before that. I’m guessing he didn’t like that you said no? Is that why you left? He gave you ‘it’s all or nothin’’ speech, and you ran?”

Oh, how you wished that was how it all happened.

“I said yes.” You whispered so softly Clint wasn’t even sure he heard you right, but the second he saw those tears returning and spilling over onto your cheeks he knew he had. You had said yes to marrying Bucky. That didn’t help explain what happened, it only added to his confusion.

“You said yes? Then why did you leave? Did he -- did he sleep with one of the girls or something?” Clint’s brain was going a thousand miles a minute. He was replaying that night in his head. You were clinging to Buck all night like you had since your dad died. Then you two disappeared. Next thing he knew you had taken off with Nat and Steve sent Clint home to check on you. You could have easily caught him with someone else before you had a chance to tell him yes.

“He’s never cheated on me. Bucky wouldn’t cheat on me.” 

Clint blew out a breath and tightened his arms around you as the tension eased out of him. He loved Buck like a brother so it would be a shame if he had to beat the life out of him for cheating on his sister.

“What happened, bug? Did you change your mind after dad?”

You shook your head. It wasn’t the whole story. It was enough for now, and you were too tired to talk anymore today.

\-------- 

Natasha somehow managed to calm Clint down before he went to meet the club for chapel. You hadn’t been in the room, but you had heard her soft, soothing whispers, telling him to calm down and remember that mistakes were made by more than one person and Bucky wasn’t entirely at fault. You weren’t sure if she was referring to you or to Steve, but either way, it didn’t matter who she was blaming. She was right. The things you did, the choices you made that night, all of it was worse than what Bucky did. You let your anger and your pride rule your decisions, and it left you alone and heartbroken.

If you had just taken a few minutes to really think about things and the consequences of your actions, maybe you could have fixed things before they spiraled out of control. Perhaps you wouldn’t have lost Bucky entirely if you had just talked to him instead of listening to all those prideful whispers in your head. 

Placing blame and pointing fingers was pointless now and it wouldn’t have made a difference who was more at fault. None of that would change the outcome. It looked as if the two of you were destined to end up here, broken and in love with a reality neither of you could have.

You had spent the afternoon sulking in your room when Natasha had stormed up, yanked you up out of bed and handed you a list of things they needed from the market. She had to get to the club and Clint was out of coffee, if that wasn’t rectified by morning, there would be chaos in the Barton house. You had a feeling Natasha was only forcing you out of the house in an attempt to stop your moping.

It sorta worked not that you would ever tell her that. You had picked up several bottles of wine, grabbed Clint’s coffee and were now staring at the stacks and stacks of baked goods in the bakery. Maybe some chocolate treats will keep Clint calm and prevent him from killing the man you love. Or, loved? Whatever he was to you at that moment.

“Hey.” A deep voice called out to you from across the pile of brownies, stopping your internal debate over fudge covered brownies or cookies and cream, you glanced up and found Eddie Brock smiling at you over the stack of baked goods, no leather this time, but he still looked handsome.

“Y/n, right?” He asked, charming grin in full effect.

“Yeah, Y/n.” 

You gave him a small smile in return and gestured to your own face, referencing his split lip and busted nose. You winced when you noticed the deep bruising around his nose and just how deep the cut on his lip was. Bucky had not held back in the slightest by the looks of things. 

“I’m sorry about that. I feel like that’s kinda my fault.” You confessed softly.He chuckled and shrugged it off as if it was nothing that his nose probably needed to be reset thanks to her overprotective boyfriend-- or,  _ex-boyfriend_. 

“It’s okay.” He said, sporting an easy smile. “I should have known someone as pretty as you wouldn’t be single. Of course, your old man had to be the crazy hothead of the group. Just my luck.”

What is with bikers, hm? Did they all think these stupid lines turned women into a whimpering mess? There was only one man that could turn you into a whimpering mess, and he certainly didn’t need to use a cheesy line to do so.

Still, this one was kind of cute.

“He’s not actually mine.” Eddie raised his brow, and you shrugged in response. “It’s a long story, but you should know I’m not really available either.” 

Because your heart belonged to someone else even if you didn’t want to admit that out loud and that was not something he needs to know. The fact of the matter was, Bucky still very much occupied your head and your heart. There wasn’t room for anyone else, no matter how cute. 

“If it hadn’t of been Buck, my brother would have kicked your ass.”

“Damn. The blonde with the purple bike right?” You nodded, and he grinned playfully as he flexed for you. “I’m pretty tough. You’re counting me out that easy? You think he could kick my ass?”

“I mean, yeah.” You grinned. “My brother is a badass. How do you think I got to be this amazing?”

He dropped his arm and leaned over the table, cocky grin curling up the edge of his lips and whispering only loud enough for you and the baked goods to hear, “Pretty sure you got there on your own. No man helped you get where you are.”

And,  _that_ was the first time your heart had flipped for someone that wasn’t Bucky Barnes. You weren’t sure how you felt about that, but you weren’t given a chance to linger on the thought for long.

“Y/n.” Steve’s sharp voice cut through the air and silenced the conversation. He walked over to stand next to you and crossed his arms over his broad chest. “Eddie.” He narrowed his eyes at the shorter man. “I think it’s time you move along. She’s spoken for.” 

You meet Eddie’s eyes, your apology was written in them along with an ‘i told you so.’

Eddie’s eyes flicked from yours back to Steve’s, and you knew he was about to say something stupid. “I think she can make her own decisions, Rogers. We aren’t in your clubhouse. You don’t have jurisdiction here.”

You winced at his choice of words. Yep. Something stupid.

That wasn’t going to go over well at all. Steve dropped his arms and pushed you behind him as if he was protecting you from something, he leaned over the stack of packaged muffins and brownies glaring hard at the other man. “Leave. Now.” He growled. “Stay away from Y/n. If I see you around her again, I’ll show you just how far my jurisdiction goes.”

Thankfully Eddie had the good sense to shut his mouth and walk away. No one wanted to cause a scene in the middle of the market. Might have had something to do with that fact that there were three other club members parked right outside ready to jump up and stand by their president’s side.

Odds weren’t exactly in Eddie’s favor.

“What the hell are you doing?” Steve snipped at you once they were alone. He must have lost in damn mind in the last five years if Steve thought he could talk to you like you’re just another club girl. He knew better.

“Excuse me?” You snapped back and lifted up your basket full of food. “I was trying to buy some chocolate chip muffins and brownies because Clint can’t eat anything healthy, but apparently I can’t get away from asshole bikers no matter where I go.”

He looked like he was about to yell at you, but you stepped forward, lowering your voice, “I’d watch what you’re about to say, Steven Grant.” He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair, anger flashed in his eyes for just a second before they settled back to their standard, calmer blue.

“Did you forget the rules? What’s expected of you?” He asked, tone gentler than it had been a moment ago, but it was the meaning behind the words, not the tone. You narrowed your eyes at the man before you. He wasn’t Steve right now, he was the club president, and you had no patience for the MC president. 

“No. I haven’t forgotten. I’m not trying to date anyone let alone date another biker.” You hissed back at him. “I haven’t forgotten anything, Steven. Have you forgotten? Or are you just planning on hiding your bullshit lies from everyone, Bucky included?”

“Y/n--” He sighed, and his whole frame softened as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s more complicated than you realize and you won’t fully understand until you talk to Buck. Actually, sit down and talk to him.”

This wasn’t the first time someone had told you to talk to Bucky since you’ve been home and frankly, you were  _done_  with all the secrets and all the bullshit. What the hell was everyone talking about? How could it more complicated than it already was?

“Why don’t you come by and at least listen to him.” Steve nudged you with a sly grin on his face.“Clint said your car was acting up, the guys can work on it for free and the two of you can talk. Clear the air.”

“With everyone watching? No thanks.”

“Well...” He bent down and whispered, “You could let Buck take you for a ride. I know how much you like being on the back of his bike.” Steve grinned as your eyes went wide and you shifted your feet nervously. 

“Pretty sure he missed it more.” Added Steve at sight of your nerves.

You had missed it. A lot. More than the bike you just missed being close to Bucky like that, being able to wrap your arms around him as tight as you wanted, the way you could nuzzle your nose into the crook of his neck, and slip one hand into his open shirt so it could rest against his skin right over his heart.  

Despite how much your heart ached to go back and have all of that again, you weren’t sure that was even an option anymore. Especially after this morning.

“Look, I’ll think about it okay?” You said as you punched his arm lightly. “But you can’t just scare away every man that dares to talk to me. He was only being friendly, and it’s kind of my fault he’s going to need some rhinoplasty.”

Steve snorted and shook his head. “Bucky would disagree with you. Stay away from Eddie Brock.” He ordered, going serious again. “He’s not a good guy like you think he is and we both know if Buck had seen you two talking, it wouldn’t have ended so civilly.”

You couldn’t argue with that.

“I’ll make sure the club girls are gone this time.” He said with that dumb know it all smirk.

“Jesus.” You breathed in annoyance. “Don’t you two have a club to run instead of spending your days gossiping? Does he tell you everything?”

Steve’s grin widened as he walked past her towards the registers. “Oh,” He shouted back at you. “Nice tattoo.”

You look down at your wrist at the completely visible swallow, flashing like a neon sign on your wrist. You close your eyes at the sound of Steve’s deep chuckle. “Talk to him, Y/n. What the two of you had doesn’t simply go away because you ran away, and I think we both know that.”  

Steve was a giant jerk, you’ve officially decided. A giant jerky jerk face. You had no idea why you ever liked him. You open eyes and look back down at the swallow on your wrist. You would never admit it to his smug face, but Steve was right. Feelings like yours don’t just vanish because you begged and pleaded with your heart.

Five years was long enough.

It was time to clear the air and put all of this behind you.

You both deserved the truth, and you were going to get it out of him if it killed you.


	4. Gasping For Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You decide it’s time to put the past to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Protective Clint. Angst. Cute, sweet Bucky. 
> 
> A/N: This chapter is mostly a flashback. It’s dark and sad. So? Enjoy? Send me love because I’m needy. No pun intended with the summary btw. No one is going to anyone’s bed. Sorry. 😂
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Thanks!*

_**Five years earlier** _

_You wandered through the clubhouse in search of your boyfriend, well boyfriend for the next few minutes. Fiance as soon as you can find him. Your finger hooked into the gold band hanging from the chain around your neck and smiled at the thought. It was the first time you had smiled since the funeral. You could both go for some good news right about now, and you had stalled enough._

_Buck’s been waiting on an answer, and it was time you gave him one._

_“Steve?” You called, clearing your throat, so he pulled himself off, Peggy. After a few gentle shoves to his chest by the pretty brunette that was perched on the bartop in front of him. He reluctantly pulled back and turned to face you, pushing his longer than usual hair out of his face._

_“What’s up, Y/n?” He asked as Peggy reached over and wiped her red lipstick from his jaw and around his lips. As always you were jealous of how flawless Peggy looked, high waisted jeans, a black corset top, and bright red lips. Somehow she looked perfect, even after Steve had attacked her like a suckerfish._

_“I was looking for Buck,” You answered, glancing around the clubhouse. “Have you seen him anywhere?”_

_Steve stepped out from his spot between Peggy’s thighs and closed the gap between the two of you, one hand still holding onto his girl’s hand. Every time the clubhouse was full of visiting charters Bucky and Steve had a problem leaving the two of you alone. Hands were always on you._

_Rules. Claim. It was all part of the life you both signed up for._

_“He’s in chapel. You need something?” He questioned, overly eager and nosy -- as if you weren’t allowed to go back and see your boyfriend._ _You met his eyes and gave him a small smile._

_“Nothing you can give me. I like a little hair to grab onto while I’m riding, Stevie.”_

_You winked at the blush that filled his cheeks and walked past him through the double doors that led to the most essential room in the clubhouse. Every single meeting took place in this room, club business was rarely discussed outside these doors, the safe was kept in Bucky’s office at the back of the room and against the back wall was a giant hand-carved wood plaque that said ‘Winter Soldier’s MC.’_

_It was also the very same room where you would lose your boyfriend every time he stepped through those double doors. The sweet, adorably cocky, charming boy that won your heart slipped away the second he stepped through those doors and was replaced with a cold and calculated leader. He didn’t have much of a choice if he wanted to come home to you. If he wanted to be respected by his brothers and their rivals. His dad taught him years ago what would be expected of him when he took over, and he was doing everything he could to live up to the man his dad wanted him to be._

_Your heart sank the moment you laid eyes on him. He was sitting at the head of the table, eyes glued to the gavel before him and the scowl on his face told you he was losing the battle with whatever dark thoughts are dragging him down. He was so wrapped up in his head; he didn’t hear you come in. You slowly made your way around the table until you got by his side, his hand slowly lifted from his lap, and he held it up for you to take, which you did. He gave a gentle tug and pulled you down onto his lap where you tucked your head under his chin letting him wrap his arms around you._

_The two of you sat in silence for longer than you would have liked, but you knew when he was ready he would talk. He would tell you what’s wrong after he was able to center himself. He finally gave you a firm squeeze and placed a kiss to the top of your head._

_“Why don’t you go see what Peggy is up to? Or Nat?” He suggested._

_He was kicking you out, gently, but he was still kicking you out._

_Something terrible must have happened in chapel, and you needed to know what, but first you had some things to talk about. You slowly sat up straight, staying on Bucky's lap and shook your head. “Steve has Peggy busy. Covered in red lipstick last time I saw him.” Bucky rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh._

_“So glad I made him my VP. Good to know he’s spending the night making out with Peggy instead of handling business.”_

_You didn’t like the way he said handling business. As if you were part of ‘business’ and needed to be kept in line._

_“Did -- did you tell him to keep me away from you?” you asked, narrowing your eyes._

_Bucky’s large hands landed on your hip, and he lifted you up onto the table. He looked up at you, and you could see the fight in his eyes. Whatever he was fighting against wasn’t something you were going to like, you knew that much. There had been rumors of getting back into some of their more illegal activities, and you had been adamant that you didn’t want Bucky or your brother involved in any of that. Bucky had listened to all your reasons, but when it came down to it, you didn’t have a say what the club did and didn’t do. It didn’t matter who you were with, president or not. Old ladies did not have an opinion on club business._

_Those pesky rules popping up again._

_“I didn’t tell him to keep you out specifically. I said, everyone. I needed a minute to clear my head is all.” He sighed and ran his hands up and down your thighs. ‘“It’s fine. I don’t want you kept from me, you know that. Did you have something you needed to talk about? You had the face.”_

_“I did not have the face!” You pouted, crossing your arms over your chest in a huff._

_He smiled, but it didn’t quite touch his eyes. “Yes, you did. What is it?”_

_You let out a shaky breath and slowly pull the chain from your neck, holding it out for Bucky to take. He swallowed hard and met your eyes. “What’s this? You givin’ me the ring back? I gotta say, doll, you could have waited to say you didn’t want to marry me.”_

_“Oh, you are so dumb sometimes.” You laughed and unhook the chain letting the ring fall into his hand. “Ask me again, Buck.” You whispered, a small smile on your face._

_The ring felt heavy this time around. It didn’t feel like it had when he asked you to be his the first time around. It felt easier somehow when he asked you to give up your dreams and spend the rest of your life by his side. He closed his hand around the ring, hiding it in his tightly closed fist._

_“I’m trying to say you’re going to like the answer,” you tried again, hoping he would be a little more excited but his expression was blank, so you kept urging him along._

_“I thought about it like you said and I know it’s a lot to take on. I know the rules and what’s expected of an old lady, the president’s old lady. No flirting, especially club members. Not that I’ve ever been interested in anyone but you. If something ever happened between us, I’m forbidden to talk about the club business and no dating any other members. I -- My career can wait. I have one semester left, and it’s not like I couldn’t get a nursing job at the hospital here. I’m sure you outlaws could use someone with medical training hanging around.”_

_Bucky closed his eyes and abruptly stood up. “Stop. Just stop.”_

_You could feel your heart racing, the fury beats filling your chest from the sharpness in his voice. Your hands suddenly felt clammy and you could have sworn you could hear your heart racing, a fierce buzzing in your ears. You’ve never seen him look at you like that before -- like he wanted to keep his distance and never see you again._

_“I don't think now is the best time.” He said softly, unable to look you in the eye. “I just took over the club, your dad and now all this club… shit. I think it would be better if we wait before we get married.”  You could feel little pieces of your heart breaking off with each word he said. He didn’t want to marry you. You made him wait too long, and now he’s changing his mind. You could fix this. Everything would be fine once you talk it out._

_Just like always._

_“I didn’t say we had to get married right away--”_

_“--It’s just not gonna happen, Y/n. Drop it.”_

_“Wait,” You shook your head and hopped off the table. “Not now or not ever?”_

_His eyes were begging you to stop pushing but the tremble of your bottom lip you were trying to hide, the resolve in your eyes made it clear you weren’t going to back down. “I have some things I need to handle with the club before that can happen. I need to clean up the club a bit first, and then I can give you all of me--’_

_“That’s just it though. It’s never going to be all of you is it, Buck?” You rebuked, fighting back your tears. “It’s always going to be the club first and then Steve and then Sam and then maybe me. Way, way at the bottom.”_

_Bucky’s brow drew together, and his eyes darkened. You both had a bit of temper, and in any other situation, you would have stopped and come back after you both had a moment to cool down. You’ve been drawn tight since your father’s funeral, and Bucky has been overly stressed with the club, you were both ready to snap at any moment._

_This just happened to be when the tension broke._

_“You think you’re the bottom of my list? Everything... EVERYTHING I do is for you!” He shouted back. “I don’t make a decision for this club without thinking about how it could hurt you, how it will impact you or us! You shouldn’t even come into my head when it comes to the club, but every decision I make revolves around you and your safety. My entire world is wrapped up in you, and for once, I need you to not second guess me and just trust what I’m saying. We need to take a step back so you can find a good job and I can get the club under control.”_

_“And you’re not going to tell me what chapel was about tonight?”_

_“No.” Bucky said quickly, his voice was firm, and you could see the resolve in his eyes. He wasn’t going to break. If he wasn’t going to give in, neither were you._

_“Why are we the thing that needs to slow down, huh? Why is it that the club has to be taken care of before you can marry me? You asked me might I add! Why can’t you step down and be a normal twenty-two year old for a little bit? Not forever, just let Steve handle some of the bigger things and--”_

_“--Stop. Stop, Y/n. I’m not going to dump the club on Steve’s lap and take off with you.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “You knew who I was when you got on the back of my bike that first night. This is who I am. You said you knew what it meant to be my old lady. Start acting like it.”_

_You swallowed the lump in your throat, digging your nails into your palms as hard as you could. There was no way in hell you were going cry in front of him after that. “I know the way I have to act in front of the club and outsiders. I know I have to respect you and this club, but it’s just you and me right now, and I thought I could be honest with the man I love. The man I have loved since I was fifteen.”_

_You walked over to him, and his arms automatically dropped to his side giving you room to lean into his chest. He didn’t wrap his arms around you like he usually would, but you felt him melt into your touch._

_“I’m asking that man, to love me more than his so-called brotherhood. I’m not saying you have to abandon the club. I can’t keep doing this. Not after your dad and not after mine. Let someone else carry the burden._ __Please, Baby.”_ You whispered. _

_“No.” He shook his head. “I’m not leaving the club behind to go play house with you. I can’t do that, and you know I can’t.”_

_You shouldn’t have been surprised. The club has always been more important than you, but you always thought if it really came down to one or the other Bucky would have picked you. You took a step back from him, a few tears slipping through before you could stop them._

_“So that's it?” Your voice was shaking ever so slightly, and you couldn’t do anything to stop it. “You're picking the club over me?”_

_"Yeah, guess I am. This club is my family--"_

_"And what am I?!" You shouted through the onslaught of tears that were now steadily falling._

_"Please don’t do this, Y/n.” He begged, looking pained as he forced the words out through gritted teeth. “Give me a year to figure some things out. I need you by my side, but I can’t just walk away from the club.”_

_Now he needed you? A moment ago you weren’t even considered family. This was exactly what your father always warned you about. The club would always come first, and you were just his second prize, a pretty thing to keep the back of his bike warm. Not anymore._

_“It’s the club or me because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep being second or third or fourth to everything else in your life. You let me know what’s important and what isn’t because I can’t do this anymore.”_ _You dropped the chain to the floor and walked back towards the double doors doing your best to wipe away any evidence of your tears._

_“If you walk away from me, from the club.” He called after you, his voice was hard and filled with fury. “You can't ever come back, Y/n. There's no coming back from that." You stopped at the door and turned back to look at him, fresh tears threatening to fall._

_"Then I guess you made your choice on what you can and cannot live without."_

_The doors slammed behind you, and you swore would remember that sound for the rest of your life. You turned the corner rushing to get out of the clubhouse as fast as you could, but you ran face-first into Steve’s chest. He had to grab your arms to steady you enough to keep you standing._

_“Woah!” He chuckled. “Where are you off to?”_

_“I need to go. Please let go of me.” Steve frowned at the tremble in your voice and stepped back to get a look at your face, he knew right away what had happened._

_“Listen,” He said softly. “I don’t know what happened in there, but I have a good idea, and you have to know, he’s not strong enough to walk away from you. You need to be the one to end things. He’s never going to get the courage to do what he has to. It’s better if you walk away. Leave town if you have to.”_

_“Steve!” Natasha hissed from behind him._

_“Don’t worry. He had no problem picking the club over me. Your president always does what he has to, and now he won’t have me holding him back from his potential,” You spat as Natasha wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you away from Steve, glaring at him as she ushered you out to your car._

_Clint jogged up behind Steve and nodded towards the parking lot where Nat was dragging Y/n away without so much as a goodbye. He frowned and looked over at Steve._

_“Where is Y/n going?”_

_“You should get home, Clint.” Steve lamented. “She’s going to need her brother tonight.”_

\-------- 

“You’re doing what now?” Clint asked in disbelief, watching as you moved around the bathroom.

There was no way he heard you right. Not after what happened last week. You ranted for over an hour about how you never wanted to see ‘that dumb blue-eyed asshole’ again. He wasn’t sure if you meant Steve or Bucky, but he wasn’t about to ask. He glanced back at Nat who was giving him her best ‘I told you so’ grin and man did he hate that. She wasn’t going to let this go for days.

“I am taking my car into the shop today so you dumbasses can work on it and that way, Bucky and I can talk.” Your voice trailed off there at the end, but it didn’t matter, Clint had heard you, and he did  _not_ like it.

“You think that’s a good idea?” Clint crossed his arms over his chest, eyes darkening as he watched you applying your second coat of pink stuff on your lips. He doesn’t know what it is, but he doesn’t like that you’re getting all dolled up to see Bucky. 

“You gotta wear all that to get your car looked at? The whole garage is filled with guys who are basically your brothers.”

“Besides the one that used to bend her over the back of his bike in said garage and--”

“Nat!” Clint groaned and pointed at you. “Sister! Please for the love of the club don’t say that again. I really don’t want to punch him.”  You flipped the bathroom light off and walked over to Clint placing a kiss to his cheek as he grumbled something you couldn’t catch under his breath.

“I love you for worrying, but I’m fine bubba.” 

You slipped the strap of your purse over your head, securing it around your body and grabbed your keys. “I’ll be back later tonight. Don’t wait up. I don’t know how long my car is gonna take.” He watched you practically bounced out of the house. He didn’t like this idea, and he didn’t like that pep in your step.

“Right. Sure.” Clint snarked. “Customers usually stay well into the night when they are getting their cars worked on.” Nat sighed and walked over to him, placing a kiss to his cheek to calm him down.

“She’s not coming home at all tonight. They never could stay away from each other, and everyone knows it.” She shrugged. “You know as well as I do he’s trying to fix things. They have always been drawn to each other. Like a moth to a flame that one.” Clint yanked his kutte off the counter. He was at least going to be close by if you needed him.

“Yeah, and the moth always gets burned, Tasha.”

\-------- 

It didn’t take long after you arrived for a particular club member to wander out of the clubhouse and into the garage. He was in those damn black jeans you loved so much, a black button-up shirt and his leather jacket thrown on over. You had thought he would have wanted to be the one working on your jeep, figured it would give the two of you the chance to talk while he did. Not to mention, he never let anyone besides himself or Clint work on your cars. It seemed he had something else planned for today.

“Hey, pretty girl,” Bucky said softly as he stepped into the garage.

Your heart fluttered in that dumb, silly schoolgirl way it always did when he called you that. You loved and hated that he could still do that to you after all this time. He’s always had a hold over your heart, and you couldn’t shake it no matter what you did. You were both a little too addicted to each other, a little too in love and it’s only ever led to your downfall.

“Hey, Buck.” You whispered, ignoring the way Peter was giving you both heart eyes from under the hood of your jeep as he worked alongside Sam.

Bucky leisurely strolled around his bike, taking a long drag off his cigarette and flicking it to the ground. You crossed your arms over your chest trying to pretend you were ignoring his presence. As if you didn’t get all dolled up and put on your tightest pair jeans for him. He chuckled and shook his head as he swung his leg over his bike and sat down. The second he saw your name on the books this morning he knew you weren’t coming by for your jeep. There was a shop closer to your house, that wasn’t home to your ex-boyfriend, and he knew you well enough to know that you if you were as pissed as you claimed you were, you would rather pay someone else to fix your car than ask him for help.

You’re stubborn like that but as angry as you were, you were reaching, and he was more than willing to take the hand you were holding out.

He kicked the kickstand back and slowly walked his back, so he was right in front of you. His eyes never left yours as he pulled your old helmet of his handlebars and held it out for you to take. A flashing sign that said, he knew the two of you would end up right here. He didn’t say a word, just smirked at you and held the helmet out, waiting for you to take it.

You rolled your eyes, definitely did not smile and grabbed the helmet out of his hands, swinging your leg over the back of the bike. Your body immediately sought out his leaning against his back as you put your helmet on and slipped your arms around his waist.

All of this was easy, natural. It always had been. This, the two of you were good at. It was the talking thing you didn’t have down.

“Ready, baby doll?”

You rested your chin on his shoulder and breathed in his ear. “Yeah. Just don’t go too fast, Buck.”

“Now, darlin’.” With a flick of his wrist, the bike rumbles loudly under you sending a shiver through you. “What makes you think I’m gonna go fast?”

It’s been five years since you’ve been on the back of someone else’s bike and there was a little part of you was nervous. It was entirely possible that your nerves had nothing to do with the bike and everything to do with the man still holding your heart.  The man that you were holding onto so tightly he could feel the tremble in your hands.

You didn't have a chance to answer him, he was flying out of the parking lot before either of you could decide this was a mistake. All you could do was squeal and tighten your arms around his waist. You couldn't hear his chuckle but you felt it shake his whole body and all the lies and secrets and heartache you’ve been wrestling with were put on hold. He grabbed your hand and placed a kiss on the inside of your wrist, right over your hidden tattoo.

And for just a moment you thought, maybe you could fix this. Everything would be fine once you talk it out, but it never did end the way you thought.


	5. Never Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint & Y/n learn the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Protective Clint. Angst. Soft, sad Bucky. Angsty. 
> 
> A/N: I know this has taken forever. I’m sorry. My muse has left the building I guess. I’m fairly sick so I probably missed a few things while editing. Send me love because I’m needy. 
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

With Bucky out of the garage, Peter was able to have the radio on whatever station he wanted, and no one was going to throw screwdrivers at him or threaten to rip his voicebox if he decided to add another voice to the chorus -- loudly. In Peter’s defense, about the singing? Everything is really loud at the clubhouse, and it’s not like motorcycles known for being quiet! There are clients, club members, and wives dropping by all day. It’s noisy. If he doesn’t sing loud how will he know he’s hitting the right notes? It was nice to have a bit of peace in the garage though. He forgot what it was like to work in a place where everyone wasn’t grumpy. 

“Peter!” Clint shouted through the garage startling the poor kid enough to cause him to smack his head on the hood of Y/n’s jeep. It was too good to be true. He shouldn't have even thought it!

Clint pushed right by Tony and completely ignored Sam -- who was attempting to block his path to Peter. “Where is my sister?” asked Clint, stepping between Sam and Peter. “Buck’s bike is gone. Where did he take her? You were here when they left, right?”

Peter rubbed the back of his head where a bump was already beginning to form and nervously glanced at Sam and then Tony. “I-- um.” He dropped his hand and fiddled with the broken belt in his hand doing everything he could to avoid eye contact with Clint. “You see, I-- I am not really sure what I am supposed to say here. Because technically Bucky is in charge, but the way you’re glaring at me right now is making me feel a little sick if I'm honest.”

Sam sighed and stepped around Clint grabbing the teen by the shoulders and ushering him away from the jeep and Clint. 

“Go get the replacement belt, Pete,” Sam pressed, gently, turning back to face Clint. He shook his head and grabbed the dirty rag hanging off the propped up hood cleaning his hands the best he could with just the thin cloth. The tension between the two men steadily rising through the silence and most of it was pouring off of Clint.

“What are you doing Clint?” Sam eventually asked, disapproval ringing loudly in his voice. “He’s a kid. You know she’s with Buck. She’s not seventeen anymore. She can make her own decisions.”  

Because Y/n’s decisions making skills when it came to Bucky always worked out in her favor. Was Clint the only one that thought this wasn’t a good idea? Because it was starting to feel that way.

Clint crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Sam, he wasn’t in the mood for games today. He didn’t care who was in charge and not in charge. Everyone was so wrapped up in worrying over Bucky and what would happen to him if Y/n left town again, but no one was worried about what would happen to Y/n if Bucky  _made_  her leave again. Clint wasn’t a dummy -- regardless of what his sister says after one too many beers. After everything Y/n told him last week, he knew whatever happened the first time around was Bucky’s fault. Y/n was the only family Clint had, besides Nat and the boys, and he wasn’t going to let her walk away again.

“I’m just protecting my sister,” Clint said, harshly, starring Sam down. “Where is she at? They go to the lake?”

“You think she needs protecting from Bucky?” Sam challenged, his frown deepening as Clint’s unspoken accusation filled the already tense air around them. Ringing loud and clear for everyone to hear, Clint didn’t trust Bucky with Y/n. “You really think he would do anything that would put her in harm's way? After everything he has done to keep her safe, you think he would hurt her?”

“Yeah, I do.” He replied, coldly, his eye darkened with anger. “I don’t know if you noticed, but when it comes to each other they don’t think clearly, and she’s always the one that ends up hurt in the end.”

“Buck was hurt--”

“Don’t,” Clint growled cutting him off before he even attempted that pathetic defense. The same shit excuse he has heard for years, and he was  _done_  listening to it. “Don’t try that bullshit with me. Buck hid away for a few months and drank himself into a coma. I didn’t get to see my sister for five years because of what he did to her.  Where. The fuck. Are they Sam?”

“Clint.” Steve beckoned, the sharp edge to his voice putting an end to the fight that was about to break out in broad daylight, in the middle of their only source of legal income. That wasn’t something they needed at the moment. 

“Bucky took Y/n on a ride about thirty minutes ago. I told her it would be a good idea if they took some time to talk in private and it looks like she took my advice.”

Clint spun around to face Steve, “Why the hell would you do that? They don’t need any help forcing whatever the hell they are.”

“No one is forcing anything. We all knew Bucky, and Y/n would end up here, and they both need this. They both need to clear the air, and I think it’s time you and I do the same.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Steve stepped out of the doorway that led into the clubhouse and nodded towards his office -- the office that once belonged to Bucky. Clint glanced around the garage at Sam and Tony, two men he considered family was all avoiding meeting his eyes, and he didn’t like that one bit. What did they all know what he didn’t and how long have they kept it from him?

“You should know everything that happened the night they broke up. You should know the truth, Clint.”

\-------- 

There was a natural calm that came with being on the back of Bucky’s bike. It hasn’t always been like that. The first time he took you on a ride you had squeezed your eyes shut, refused to open them and held on so tight your bracelet left an indent on his ribs -- you apologized profusely for that. It didn’t take long for that fear to fade with every ride after that. Everything slipped away the moment you wrapped your arms around him. It was just you, Buck and the road and you realized how easy it would be to slip back into your old life. Bucky was just waiting for you. 

Everyone knew that, including you.

Your hand made its way up to his chest and rested over his heart atop his leather, it was automatic, and you hadn’t noticed you had done it. It was the same way you always rode, hand over his heart and chin resting on his shoulder. In the past, you would have nuzzled his neck, placed random gentle kisses to that spot right behind his ear, and whispered sweet things at stoplights. It would be so easy to let him take your heart and run with it again. It would be simple to go back to the way things were before you left, without even missing a beat. Bucky’s hand came up over yours, and it gave it a tender squeeze, firmly pressing it against his chest.

Who were you trying to fool? There was no letting him take your heart. He never gave it back, to begin with.   

When you recognized your street, you felt a sharp blow to your chest. Bucky was just driving you home -- the long way, but he was still just taking you back from the shop, and it made you ache. You don’t know where you expected him to bring you, but you didn’t think it would be back to your house. Part of you had hoped the lake or somewhere the two of you could just be Bucky and Y/n for a little while longer. It didn’t look like he was ready to take that leap with you yet. His motorcycle slowed to a stop in your driveway, and Bucky killed the engine setting both feet on the ground as he did.

You weren’t ready to go back to reality, but you didn’t have much choice in the matter.  

Bucky grinned when he felt your arms tighten around him and he could have sworn his heart sparked when he heard the soft ‘shoot’ you breathed out before forcing yourself off the back. You tried not to look too disappointed when you moved towards the front of his motorcycle, but you couldn't look him in the eye. It was too much all at once. You slipped your helmet off to hang on the handlebars. Bucky shook his head and held his hands up.

“Keep it. It’s yours after all.”

“I don’t know how much use I’ll get out of it,” You mumbled, clutching the fiberglass helmet to your chest like you needed it to keep breathing. It was the only lifeline you had left.

“I have a feeling you’ll be getting plenty of use out of it darlin’.” He smirked at the way your eyes widened and nodded towards the old wooden swing nestled in the shade of your front porch. 

“I kinda wanna talk if you’ve got a few minutes.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded practically running to the porch steps. The faster you sat down, the sooner this was all over and you could both move on.  You hated the way that sounded, it left a cold empty pit in the middle of your chest. Bucky’s boots weren’t far behind you by the snap of several twigs hitting your ears, you dropped your helmet on the post at the top of the stairs and twisted around to face him.  

“C’ mere. Please?” 

He held out his hand, and you didn’t hesitate to take it this time around.  Holding his hand didn’t seem like that big of a deal after spending forty minutes with your arms wrapped around his waist. The gentle tug to your hand urged you forward, and you sank down onto the swing, Bucky following your lead.

“I forgot how much I like having you on the back of my bike. It’s been a long time since...” His voice trailed off as he tried to find the right words to describe what he was feeling. He didn’t really know, but he did know his fingers were aching to touch more than just your hand. He knew he couldn’t and shit, Bucky despised being kept from you like this, hated the distance he put between the two of you and Bucky really disliked how tense you were to be sitting this close to him. That hurt more than the morning Clint told him you skipped town without even a goodbye.

“It’s just been a long time is all, and I missed you. When I heard you were home -- I knew you would find your way back to me eventually,” Bucky whispered, feeling your tension fading with every gentle caress of his thumb. Your eyes fell to your intertwined hands, and you watched his thumb drawing small circles over your skin. How could something so little have such an effect on you?

Bucky’s always had that hold on your heart. You shouldn’t be surprised. 

“I missed you, too,” You admitted, reluctantly, still staring at your fingers laced together, unable to meet his eyes. “I wasn’t sure it was okay to come back, so I stayed away, and the longer I stayed away, the easier it was to pretend I didn’t care about everything that happened. About you.”

Bucky sighed and draped his right arm over your shoulders closing the tiny space between you. His left hand tightened on yours until you glanced up to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry about everything I said that night. I never wanted you to leave. I was mixed up with what I thought I had to do for-- We, uh, should probably talk about that night.”

“Okay, let’s talk.” You muttered ramming down the overwhelming desire to run as fast as you can.

“That night--” He blew out a breath and shook his head, annoyed with himself. He barely said anything, and it already sounded like an excuse. A bad one at that, but he had to get it off his chest. Honesty, Peggy had told him. _Be honest with her, and she will come around_. 

“The club was getting back into trouble you didn’t want me in, trouble you made clear you wanted me to stay away from, and I was trying to find a way to keep you out of it. After I proposed your dad got into that accident and we went to see him in the hospital. Remember that?”

You nodded not trusting yourself to speak and hold your tears back. That had been one of the longest months of your life. You lost your father and the love of your life in one swoop and in turn, lost a part of yourself when you fled.

“Y/n,” He sighed, tightening his arm around you. He had a feeling you weren’t going to like what he said next. “I know what Steve said to you. He told me everything.”

“W-what?” you stammered already attempting to push him away, but he gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze, silently asking you to hear him out. 

“He told me about a month or so after you left and he was right. I would have never let you go. I wasn’t strong enough to let you go, and I made your dad a promise.”

“I’m sorry. Wait--” You stopped him with a squeeze to his hand, trying to clarify what bullcrap just came out of his mouth as you forced Bucky's arm off your shoulders and turned to face him. There was no way you heard that right. There was no way he broke your heart all because of some stupid foolhardy commitment he made to your father. 

“You did what now? Because it kind of sounds like you broke my heart and left me for some bullshit vow, you made to a dying man that was so loaded on pain pills he couldn't even remember his daughter’s name?” Bucky tightened his arms around you to keep you from jumping off the swing and bolting away from him. He knew you better than anyone, and he knew when things got tough, your first instinct was to run and to run fast. 

“For once, stop running from me,” Bucky begged, urgently, fear building in his eyes. “Since we were kids I’ve been chasing after you. Just stop running and hear me out?”

You didn’t have some snappy comeback or crude jab. Bucky was right. Your whole lives he’s been chasing you, waiting for you to come around. Every time he got close and thought you were within reach a new wind would blow in and you’d be ten miles ahead and out of his grasps again. You sank against the back of the swing letting Bucky pull you a few inches closer to him, he needed it and truthfully so did you.  

“I promised your dad I would keep your safe even if that meant letting you go. I’d burn this whole damn town down to keep you safe and you know that. I never thought it would be somethin’ we needed to deal with. Once I got to thinkin’ about it, I got pissed. What right did he have to tell me I’m not good for you? As if he wasn’t doing the same damn things at my age.” Bucky blew out a long breath to steady his voice and gain the courage to say what he needed to say next. “Then the vote came down, and everyone agreed the only way to handle Red Skulls was to take down the charter. Clean house. And to do that we needed to make some deals with some... questionable people.”

You didn’t need a further explanation. You knew what it all meant. Take down the charter meant bloodshed. Questionable people was code for illegal trades to handle the 'clean house.'

“What was the vote?”

“Y/n--”

“You wanted to talk. I want the truth for once. What was the vote Bucky?”

 _Be honest with her thick head_.

“It was unanimous.”

You let out a half-suppressed laugh, jerking and untangling yourself from Bucky’s hold -- He didn’t even try to stop you this time. You paced up and down the small porch before finally standing in front of the man you once loved, leaning on the porch rail behind you because you weren’t sure your knees could hold you on their own. 

“My brother?” You asked, cold and detached. “Clint agreed?”

“Yes. Red Skulls-- Clint had his reasons.”

“And you?” You spat pushing yourself off the railing and storming towards the house, intent slamming the door in his face, packing your things and never looking back. 

“You knew I didn’t want you getting involved in any of that and you still voted yes? So much for doing everything you could to keep me out of trouble. Just more James Barnes bullshit--”

“They threatened you!” He shouted, stopping you in your tracks your hand frozen on the doorknob. You didn’t make a move or prompt him for more. Just waited until you could feel him standing behind you and you sagged back against his chest listening to his strained whispers, “They threatened you and Peggy and Pepper. It was an easy call to make. I’d vote the same damn way today.   _No_  one threatens your life and gets away with it.”

His hands settled on your shoulders giving you a soothing squeeze while you considered everything he just dumped on you. The question that fell from your lips next was one he expected. He would have been disappointed if you hadn’t asked him. 

“It’s been five years, and they are still around. Why?”

He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, nervously chewing at it. He was dangerously close to saying too much, saying things he wasn’t allowed to talk about outside of club walls. Things that could put you in danger and he promised himself he would never put club business before your life again, but if Bucky continued to hold back, he was terrified that would push you so far away he would never get you back.

“We’ve had some complications is all. We’ve got some eyes on us right now. Just being cautious, being smart.” He nervously drums his fingers against your shoulder letting his hands fall down to your wrists, encircling your wrist in his hand. He could feel your need to run, your want to get away from him. After everything you’ve been through together you didn’t trust that he just wanted to keep you safe?

 _That_  stung. 

You wiggled your wrists out of his hold and stepped towards the front door. All the times you played this very moment over in your head, all the excuses you thought he would use and all the bullshit he would give you about ‘being an MC girl’ not one of those moments played out like this and you just needed a minute to process all of this. 

“So that’s it?” Bucky asked, hurt filling his voice. You didn’t have to see his face to know the look the anguish he was wearing. In fact, it would be better if you didn’t see it. It would just make this harder. 

“You’re just gonna walk away again? Yeah, I messed up, but runnin’ wasn’t the answer back then and it’s not now. We are meant to be together, darlin’.”

“I need some time, Bucky.” Your voice cracked as you forced the words out .“I need some time to understand all of this and what it means. I got laid off at the hospital did you know that? I thought it was a sign to come back home and figure things out and now…” 

You shook your head as you pulled your keys out of the front zipper of your purse and unlocked the door with trembling fingers. Bucky didn’t have much left, but he had one last hand left. 

“I love you, Y/n,” Bucky choked out. “I love you, and I know you love me. Did you really forget everything we were to each other? There was a time when that was all you needed. Me lovin’ you isn’t enough anymore? Are we that lost?”

“Yeah,” You whispered softly, “I think we are, Buck.”


	6. Barely Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hopelessly damaged people find healing in each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. Heavy Angst (I know. What else is new with series right?) 18+
> 
> A/N: I’m sorry it’s been so long between updates, but tbh this fic takes a lot out of me when I write it – it’s emotionally exhausting to write. If you want something to listen to while reading, I would recommend ‘It’s been a while’ and ‘Everything changes’ by Staind. I know some of you will be surprised by this chapter, but this has been a clear theme throughout the series. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

The days apart stretched into weeks and the weeks turned into a month, and with each passing hour, you found yourself struggling to put one foot in front of the other. You wanted to leave. It would be so easy to start your life over. You’ve done it once you could surely do it again. Nothing was keeping you in this shit hole of a town. You were still jobless after all this time being home. So much for nursing always being in demand and as much as you loved Clint, you were starting to suffocate under the weight of all the memories encompassing you. The only real tether to this town was the one reason you should leave it.

If there was ever going to be a reason for you to leave and never look back, Bucky was it.

And it wasn’t just affecting you anymore. Clint had not been to the club since the day you went on your ride with Bucky. He wouldn’t say what happened, but you haven’t seen his kutte in over a month, and Clint told Nat she wasn’t allowed to work the bar for a while. That didn’t go over well. If your dumbass brother had simply asked her not to she would have agreed but he had to go all caveman – he slept on the couch for a few nights after that.

Clint doesn’t always think things through when he’s upset. You might get that charming quality from him.

It’ had been a month since Bucky told you the truth, but it didn’t change anything, did it?  Bucky was still the same man you fell in love with – flaws and all. It’s taken an embarrassingly long time for you to realize you were always going to come second to James Barnes and yet, you couldn’t stay away from him. No matter what happened or how hard you sought to keep your distance the pull between you was louder than any reasoning your brain could come up with.  

That’s how you knew you would end up here the moment you decided to come home – outside the clubhouse at two in the morning, fingers trembling as you typed in your old code. Your body sagged in relief as the light flashed green and the handle unlocked allowing you to slip in.

This was not the first time you crept into the clubhouse while everyone was asleep. It was the first time you had done it alone. The floor, couches and pool tables were covered in unconscious lumps and most snoring away. It wasn’t uncommon to see when multiple charters were getting together, patch overs, or family announcements. Whatever happened last night you missed one hell of a party. Times like these made it hard to be on the outside. Good times and bad, you were no longer a part of Bucky’s world, and it chipped away another piece of your heart every time it was shoved in your face.

“Y/n,” Steve said, hushed, careful of the people sleeping on couches around them. He was leaning on the bar watching you with an amused grin.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

Steve chuckled quietly and walked towards you. “Shouldn’t you be at home?” He snarked back. You narrowed your eyes, but the corner of your lips curled up into a small smile. 

“Is his room still his room?” Steve nodded and followed you as you walked towards the back hallway stepping over the sleeping men on the floor as you went.

“Y/n?” You turned back to look at him brow raised in question. “If you go back there, it needs to be for good. I’m not telling you to take him back or saying you have to walk away. You should follow your heart but whatever you choose needs to be forever. He needs all of you. Not this half in bullshit. If you’re done, let him go.”

“I know.” You assured him. “That’s what why I’m here, Steve. No more half in.”

\-------- 

Torture.

Untold anguish.

Plain and simple.

This last month has been sheer agony. Bucky hasn’t seen or spoken to you in over a month, and the only thing keeping him from completely wasting away was knowing you hadn’t skipped town. He half expected to wake up that first morning to find Clint beating down his door because you took off in the middle of the night again – a burning need to get away as far away from him as you could. Clint never came, and your jeep has been parked outside of Clint’s place since Peter drove it home.

There was a bit of contentment in all the anguish. A realization. Bucky needed to let you go, but it has never been that simple. If it were, he would have done it when your life was at risk six years ago.  Bucky’s been fighting to let you go since the day you left, and there were times when he thought he made it through and then there were nights like tonight where he didn’t believe he would ever be free of the ache that came from losing you. One of these days, he hoped, your love won’t have this grasp on him anymore. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to live in a world where he no longer loved you.

No, that was not a hurt he wanted to endure. This was all pointless if his heart doesn’t belong to you.

There was a soft knock at his door, and he was immediately irritated. Steve checking in on him again. He did the same thing five years ago. Always stopping by at random hours as if Bucky was going to drink himself to death or something else equally stupid. He pushed his hair back out of his face not bothering to put a shirt on. If Steve wanted to bug him at two in the morning, he got to see Bucky in nothing but dirty ass sweatpants. Maybe he will think twice before waking someone up after this – not that he has been sleeping at all since your fight.

“Steve I swear to God–” Bucky stiffened and sucked in a sharp breath when he saw you standing on the other side of the door, wide-eyed and restlessly fiddling with your bracelets.  Damn, he should have put on a shirt. No words were exchanged – words weren’t needed when it came to you. He let go of the doorknob and stepped back giving you space to come in when you were ready. It needed to be your choice just like it would be your choice if the door stayed open.

You slipped into the small space he left ajar and quickly shut the door behind you. You both stared at each other unsure who should speak up first or what to say once you did.  His brow wrinkled, mouth opened and then shut. Bucky didn’t know where to start, _Why are you here? What the hell took you so long? Is this what my death looks like? Two in the morning and dirty sweats? Because I’m done for if you leave again. I can’t go another day without you._

The stillness in the air made your heart pound against your chest threatening to break free and reveal all your weaknesses. Your eyes roam over his chest taking in the new additions to his skin. Your eyes followed the black ink along his left arm,  _‘sine timore’_  sticking out in the middle of his bicep as of reminder of what comes first. Every member had those words inked somewhere on their skin, and you  _hated_  them with everything you had There was only one addition you noticed – a date over his heart.

The date you met.

It had been added to the work he had over the left side of his chest, and your heart was heavy from the weight of your guilt and all the things you kept from him. Your fingers fiddled with the straps of your bracelets and with your heart pounding in your ears the soft brown leather slipped from your fingers landing on the floor between you.

Bucky’s eyes fell to your wrist trying to understand what you were doing, but the second he saw it, he knew. His eyes snapped up to meet yours, they were begging you for an explanation, and all you could give him was a shrug. Because you didn’t know why it was still there. You couldn’t count the number of times you had tried to get it removed, but it never felt right. No matter what how hard you endeavored you couldn’t erase him from your skin. 

He moved slowly towards you until your back was pressed flat against the closed bedroom door, his hand was on your wrist the second you were within reach and pad of his thumb pressing heavily against the swallow still imprinted on your delicate skin. Bucky bent forward slightly, his eyes watching you silently asking for your permission. It’s always had to be your decision. Yeah, in the past, he wouldn’t have held back at a time like this, but things were different now. Tattoo or not, you weren’t his, and you haven’t been his in years.

It’s taken him a long time to admit that, still, all he could see was your lips.

Your chin raised silently giving him the permission he was seeking. His hips pushed into yours pinning you against the door, and his lips were on yours before either of you could think about the consequences. His lips brushed over yours, delicate and demanding – devouring every inch of you. A hand came up and cupped your jaw holding you still, your eyes fluttered closed letting his touch, his lips consume you entirely. Bucky didn’t let up until you were both panting and breathless.

He released your jaw and tightened his hold on your wrist as he pulled you back towards the bed, his grip loose enough that you could pull away not that you were going to. Your heart has been struggling to find it’s place since you returned and it finally found it.

\-------- 

Bucky blew out a thick cloud of smoke and put out the last of his cigarette in the ashtray next to him. The sun had been up for a few hours now and there were hushed movements in the kitchen but he was in no hurry to move. There was plenty of reasons to not leave his bed this morning, and every one of them was wrapped up in you.

A soft orange light was peeking through the cracks in the blinds covering his bedroom window, setting a gentle glow against your skin. He stared at you laying in bed next to him, your back rising and falling steadily with each breath and your arms wrapped tightly around his pillow. Fuck, he really messed this up. Bucky didn’t want things to go down like that way this time. He was trying hard to not repeat his past mistakes, but it seemed Bucky couldn’t escape them no matter how hard he attempted to right all the wrongs he had done to you.

The thin white sheet was barely covering your lower half – a sight he never thought he would see again after your talk. He ached to be happy that you were here, but his brain wouldn't let go of every way this could go wrong. What was going to happen when you woke up? The whole night felt like a mistake. The rock sitting in his gut was telling him this was a mistake. It was too sudden, too rash and after everything that happened, he should have taken his time. The genuine fear was eating away at his heart telling him you were going to bolt when the realization of last night finally hit you.

His knuckles grazed down the back of your arm as you began to stir.  Time to face the music then. You reached out in your sleepy haze and wrapped an arm around his waist attempting to pull him closer to you.  He obliged and grinned at the sight of his name scrolled on your ribs following the curve of your left breast. Bucky was the only one that knew it was there and he wanted to keep it that way – or he thought he was the only one. A pang of jealousy washed over him as his mind wandered to the five years you were gone, and he wondered how many men have seen it.

Probably better if he doesn’t dwell on ‘what ifs’ this morning. You were there in his bed, and that was all that matters. He bent down and pressed a kiss to your temple. The heady scent of cigarettes and soap pulled you from the soft waves of sleep you were floating in.

“Hi,” You croaked, hoarse from sleep as you caught his eyes.

“Hey.”

Bucky smiled and ran his left hand down your back letting his hand rest on your lower back, fingers skimming the edge of the sheet. He could just not say anything. You could both avoid the inevitable and live in this little bubble for a few moments longer, but it would be an insult to both of you. Bucky knew all too well he can’t hide from what’s beyond that door and all that was expected of him. 

“We should talk about last night, baby doll. Last night was incredible. Unexpected but incredible. I thought–” He ran his right hand along his jaw. “It’s been over a month. I thought I lost you and all this. Then you show up here in the middle of the night, and we slip right back into old habits.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Buck.” You admitted before he got any further because it was the truth. You didn’t know what you were doing when you showed up at his door, all you knew was this is where you should be regardless of the history you shared and the warning bells that were echoing, loudly, in your head.

“Clint?” 

You answered him with a simple head shake. No, Clint didn’t know you were at the clubhouse and in bed with Bucky. Though he would be figuring it out here any minute when he went to wake you for breakfast only to find an empty bed and a hastily written note stuck to mirror above your dresser.

“We can chalk up to lingering feelings and a late-night mistake. No one has to know,” Bucky breathed, distressed and worn from the sheer thought of having to forget the feel of your skin under his hands. 

“Steve knows.” You whispered, “He caught me trying to sneak in.”

Bucky chuckled as his fingers slipped under the sheet and ghosted over the delicate skin hiding beneath the covers.  “Okay, just the three – or, four of us have to know.”

“Peggy?”

“Yeah, he definitely told Pegs.” He said with a roll of his eyes. “Steve spills everything the second they are alone. They won’t say a thing if I tell them not to. Say the word, and it’s forgotten.”

It would be easy to claim it was all a foolhardy slip-up spurred from the closure neither of you was granted years ago. There was no doubt that there were flames still burning, embers still smoldering for him – there would always be pieces of you lingering within his soul. Forgetting would be the easy out for you both.

“What if I don’t want to do that.” You whispered, soft and hesitant, a silent tremor in your voice.

“Do what, doll?”

_You’re either in love with him, or you’re not._

“I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen, but I’m scared this is going to blow up in my face again.” You mumbled, your voice barely above a whisper.  “I think I’m addicted to you. There are good reasons they say addictions break you down and tear you apart.”

“I promise you nothing is going to break you down again,” Bucky swore, scrambling not to lose this second chance.  “I know there are more than enough reasons for you to never trust me again and I know you deserve better than me, but I swear I’ll do whatever it takes to make us work this time.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat watching your fingers trace the swallow on the top of his hand. Steve was right, and man did you hate it when he was right. You couldn’t continue to be half in, one foot out the door always ready to run if something doesn’t go your way. You either loved him, or you didn’t, and you needed to make a choice. Right then. The right decision was palpable, and you knew what choice you were going to make.

“If we do this you can’t hide things from me. Even things that might hurt me and all the things that you’re scared of. You have to show me all of you, even the broken pieces you don’t want me to see.”

“Baby.” He sighed and let his forehead rest against yours. “I’ll show you the broken parts of my soul if you promise not to run when you see the monster I am because of them.”

“You are many things, Buc.,” You whispered softly. “But a monster isn’t one of them.”

Doubt and worry were flashing vividly in his eyes. You could practically hear his mind racing as he tried to figure it all out that very second. He needed it all planned out before either of you made it out bed and that wouldn't happen. It wouldn’t be that easy. Your relationship was too complicated for that. Bucky brought your hand up and placed a gentle kiss to your wrist – The two of you were gonna have a chat about that here soon you had a strong suspicion.

“What does this mean?” He asked finally.

“It means,” You said, interrupting the raging thoughts you knew were surging in his head. “We are going to take things one day at a time.”

“One day at a time,” Bucky repeated. “I can do one day at a time.”

Slow and steady. Bucky could do that if that’s what you needed. He would do whatever it takes to make this forever.

Forever won’t happen overnight, but he can it make it one day at a time.


	7. Convictions and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s becoming increasingly clear that Bucky will have to choose between his brothers and his girl. Y/n learns a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. Heavy Angst (I know. What else is new with series, right?) Sweet Bucky because I still standby that as a warning. 
> 
> A/N: I’m sorry it’s been so long between updates, but tbh this fic takes a lot out of me when I write it – it’s emotionally exhausting to write. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

You’ve been falling; falling fast and hard, tumbling down into the dark -- the same darkened, treacherous place your head told your heart you would never visit again.

At least that’s what you have been telling yourself the last few years-- an attempt to soothe the ache of losing the other half of your heart. It turned out the dark wasn’t so scary and hidden within the shadows was the promise of something brighter. If you could give enough of your heart and place your trust in the one person, who knew where the light is hidden.

The only source of light your soul has ever needed never failed to be found within James Barnes's heart. No matter the fearsome winds and dark clouds that roll in threatening to steal his warmth, the darkness never comes, and this time would be no different.

Seven days you’ve spent, and the clouds that lingered nearby have yet to change directions even with the powerful winds approaching.

A week of sweet kisses, soft whispers, and delicate touches pointed you towards those dark hidden shadows -- sunlight pierced holes through those dark clouds that loomed just off the coast, and you’ve never felt more at home. As you lay in Bucky’s bed, watching him sleep, your heart was right there to remind you of the promises you made to yourself and how you’ve broken every one from the moment you came home. There wasn’t a part of you that could be moved to care, heart included. The only place you have ever felt at peace was when you were by Bucky’s side. He was the only home your wandering soul knew, and no one could change that.

And while nothing, absolutely nothing, sounded better than spending the day sheltered in Bucky’s arms and basking in the glow radiating from his heart and yours, you needed coffee.

Your bright morning would quickly take a wrong turn onto a dimly lit backroad if you did not find some type of caffeine and fast. Begrudgingly, you tore yourself from his side and grabbed some of the clothes you had stashed around Bucky's room. The real trick was going to be making it downstairs without anyone seeing. Not that you were in any way ashamed or embarrassed by where you spent the last several nights -- scared was a more accurate assessment of your feelings.

Scared to let go and fearful of what would come when you do. Adding peoples opinions to that fear would only create a fire you were not prepared to handle.

For now, this was only you and him.

You quietly slipped down the stairs to avoid attention, but the amount of noise you made wouldn’t have made a difference. All eyes were on you the moment you landed at the bottom step. You groaned internally but managed to keep your face blank as you crossed the room towards the only friendly face in the room.

You sat down on the table next to Peggy and asked with a smile, “No one noticed me, right?”

Peggy smirked and handed you what you assumed was her cup of coffee. “Of course not.” She assured you. “No one noticed that you came down at seven-thirty in the morning and had a pair of lace panties stuck to your jeans.”

She winked and pulled the blush-colored lace from your thigh. “Shall I wash it for you?”

You snatched it from her hand and shoved it into your pocket. “Let’s never speak of this again, and thank you for the coffee.”

“You’re welcome,” Peggy added as she stood intent on grabbing herself another cup from the kitchen.

“It looks good on you darling,” Peggy mentioned, turning back to find your head tilted to the side and confusion written all over your face. You didn’t have anything special on, just jeans and an old Guns N’ Roses t-shirt Bucky had bought you years ago. She playfully rolled her eyes nodding to towards the bird on your wrist -- the one now bared for all to see.

“Settling back into your life. Being home.” She clarified. 

The sound of footsteps making their way downstairs had her grinning, and she promptly made her way to the kitchen. No need to add another pair of eyes to this already  _delicate_  situation.

The room full of nosy boys were enough.

Bucky descended the stairs a moment later, only adding to the awkward tension in the air. His was hair tousled from sleep still, his leather unzipped and open to show off the thin white v-neck he was wearing under it. In the middle of his chest sat a small ring hanging from a silver chain. You would know that ring against a thousand others. You doubted anyone would recognize the chain let alone the ring, maybe Steve.

You didn’t know what Steve was paying attention to back then or now, for that matter. By the look of things, no one was the same person they were five years ago -- Bucky more so than the rest.

The leather he was sporting wasn’t new, but the smile on his face certainly was.

Since the night you snuck in, tensions within the clubhouse have shifted, and the focus was no longer on who was breaking whose heart. It made the days a little sweeter and the nights a little longer, not just for the two of you. Bucky’s been smiling on the regular, talking openly and even laughed when Peter made a joke. Sam had been there to ease the kid into a chair when he went pale and queasy.

Naturally, they all wanted to ask what had their vice president so cheery, but no one dared to tease him. There was never a discussion between you, but it had seemed you both agreed not to talk about what was happening. Though you were sure everyone knew you were the reason, it was hard to miss the sun shining through to break up a rain cloud.

Still, avoiding the topic was probably for the best. Clint hadn’t been to the clubhouse since his chat with Steve and hadn’t spoken to you in three days, six hours and twenty-six minutes (Not that you were counting or anything). He couldn't -- wouldn’t accept your decision, and you didn’t know how to repair the rift it caused between you. The last words he uttered to you was a promise that has been replaying in your head ever since. He swore to you that taking Bucky back was a mistake, and if you went down this path, he didn’t know if he would be able to fix things this time. 

You had to trust that in time, Clint would understand. He’s never been able to stay mad at you for long.

Bucky continued by every member that sat, scattered throughout the clubhouse missing countless opportunities to sit near someone else. He could have found a place near Peter or Tony and avoided the one thing the club considered to be a chink in Bucky’s armor -- his defect.

As weak as you made him, you have never been his weakness regardless of what anyone else thinks.

He swung his leg over the chair in front of you, his eyes glued to yours as he lowered himself onto the harsh wooden seat.  He smirked and tilted his head to the side, watching as your eyes frantically searched to see who around you were paying attention.

Everyone was watching with interest. Typical.

You looked back at Bucky to find him grinning, eyes shimmering in delight and you knew he did this on purpose. He was never one to shy away from touching you in public. You knew what it looked like from the outside -- a possessive claim, but the truth was the poor boy has never been able to keep his hands off you.  

He wanted this, and it was okay to admit you did too.   

“Hi, pretty girl.”

You beamed, and your eyes lit up. 

“Hey, Buck.”

“So,” Bucky whispered as his hands landed on the tops of your thighs and casually moved up and down the soft material of your jeans. Getting the hint, you set your coffee down and draped your arms over his shoulders. He stopped at the top of your thighs and gave a gentle squeeze as he spoke again softer this time but still confident. “I was thinkin’ you could bring some of your things over from Clint’s.”

“Buck.” You scold, gently and slightly amused. You should have expected it really. Bucky didn’t know what slow meant when it came to you.

“Remember we are taking things slow so we can figure out how to be with each other again and you are not going to punch someone for talking to me.” You reminded, and he grinned.

“Baby...” Bucky’s voice trailed off as his hands tightened on your thighs and he carefully pulled you off the table where you fell into his waiting lap. A soft squeak fell from your lips, and he quickly swallowed it with a chaste kiss.

It only lasted a second, but it had your head spinning.

“I’ve had you spread out in my bed the last six nights in a row,” He said, raspy and quiet, his lips so close they brushed against yours as he spoke, “You haven’t been home since and I know you got things stashed in around. What’s the difference if you have some clothes in my closet?"

Everything he was saying was right, and in some part of your brain, it made sense but, what happened when you let go? Your heart wasn't ready to find out.

“If you think I’m living in this filthy ass clubhouse you aren’t very smart.” You sassed, covering fear with a sassy quip worked for your brother it could work for you. Too bad the man you were trying fool knows every inch of your skin and every beat of your heart. Bucky could see right through you.

“Okay, let’s get a house,” Bucky conceded, pulling back just enough to clear the haze your lips filled his head with. “I can go anywhere as long as you’re there with me, baby doll. There isn’t much I need to get by. Just one important thing.”

You ignored the thudding that was sounded from your chest and wrapped your fingers around the chain slowly twirling the glimmering silver around your hand. You gave it a gentle tug until your noses were nearly bumping and inquired. “You take things that aren’t yours now? Should I add thief to your resume?”

“Outlaws don’t have resumes darlin’.” He grinned.

A large hand splayed on your lower back pushed you further into his lap, and bucky quickly cleared up why it’s still hanging from his neck. “The woman I love left it behind. I’ve just been keeping it safe until she’s ready to carry the weight of it again.”

 _Oh_.

“What if she can’t carry the weight of it?” You whispered, tightening your hold on the chain to the point it was beginning to tear at your skin. “What if the club and everything this ring stands for can’t coexist?”

Bucky bumped his nose against yours, and his eyes flicked up from the chain between you to meet your eyes. He felt stupid for not seeing that coming, but the answer was so simple he thought you would have figured it out by now. Bucky’s had five years to live with the consequences of not choosing you, and it’s not a pain he’s willing to shoulder again.

“I can live without a lot of things, but you are not one of them,” Bucky said gently and with firm conviction. “I learned that the hard way and, I can promise you, it’s the only thing I know for certain. There is nothing that could keep me from choosing you, and if I have to, I’ll burn it all down for you.”

_Burn it all down, for you._

Nearly six years it’s been, and those words were like a sweet prayer you never thought you would hear. You knew the look Bucky was wearing, the determination and sincerity in eyes gave life to his words in a way that left you aching to believe him.

Deep down, you both knew it wouldn’t be that easy though, regardless of who was burning, you both would get caught in the flames.

Steve cleared his throat, dousing the kindling between you in cold water, smothering your bright morning in a toxic cloud of smoke and ash. Just like always, the perfect reminder that the club would always be there to steal him with such ease, it left you feeling silly and naive for having ever having hope.

Bucky peered over your shoulder at Steve and pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “I’ll be done in an hour. Hang around, please?” Your arms tightened around his waist, and he sighed. “We can go to lunch when I’m done and talk. I’m not going to hide anything from you, but I gotta go in there baby doll.”

Your arms slowly fell from his side, and you did your best to shimmy out of his lap without falling -- your trembling legs were no help. Bucky rose to his feet and zipped his leather concealing his heart and your ring, not that there was much of a difference between the two.  A light kiss was placed to your temple, and heavy boots echoed through the barroom ending with the rattling slam of the wooden doors that separated you.

\-------- 

The dread that came with being behind these doors made Bucky sick. The heaviness of the gavel never left his hand even after he passed it on to Steve, and now that you were back in his arms, it only made him yearn to be free of it all. Every bullshit meeting, every idiotic rule, and every painful decision that pushed him further away from the man he wanted to be -- the man he was when he was with you.

The club would be alright without him when the time came, or it would come crashing down. Bucky wanted to care, but he didn’t. He only needed to get the club through this bullshit with Red Skulls, and he was gone, whether Steve let him go or not.

Several grumbled voices rang throughout the room as Steve’s gavel came down. Bucky was uneasy, and the meeting hadn’t begun, you didn’t want him sitting at the table, and he honestly didn’t want to be there. None of this shit has mattered for years, and it didn’t hold a candle next to you. He’d much rather be tangled up in you with his head buried between your thighs drawing out those sweet whimpers that drive him crazy than listening to their next mistake.

“Where is Barton, and how come his sister is walking around like she owns the damn place?” An annoyed voice griped from the back of the room, Bucky wasn’t sure who said it, but they were about to regret ever opening their damn mouth. He sat up, and Sam’s hand was on his chest shoving him back into his seat before anyone could take notice -- Steve noticed of course.

Punk never does miss anything.

“Clint is dealing with some family shit that isn’t anyone’s business and as for Y/n,” Steve glanced at Bucky, waiting for the okay before continuing. “She’s your VP’s old lady, so watch your damn mouth and show her the same respect you give Peggy.”

Everyone's head jerked over to Bucky who didn’t say a word, just gave a slight nod to the room and turned to face Steve. He wasn’t talking about you or whatever was happening between the two of you in this room. Ever again. His relationship was not club business any longer.

“Right,” Steve said, club president demeanor in place. “Now that all of that is out in the open, can we focus on club business? Red Skulls are dipping their hands into things I can’t let slide -- selling guns to kids and trading their girls for weapons and information on their enemies. Primarily us and our families. This has been a long time coming. They have threatened everyone sitting at this table, and it’s time we take them down before they hurt anyone else.”

“Agreed?” Steve looked around at a room of nodding heads -- everyone but Bucky. Didn’t matter anyway, when Steve called for a vote it was simple numbers, and Bucky was the odd man out.

“On to our bigger issue,” Bucky frowned and finally looked over at Steve.

Bigger issues? What the hell is more significant than taking down another club?

“We’ve got a rat within our ranks, or that's the way it looks at least."

\-------- 

The girls were great, and you loved Peggy, truly did, but you couldn't sit idly by in the clubhouse while they voted on your life and Buckys. Yeah, you didn’t know what the vote was, but there was always a vote. It may not be directly tied to you, but every choice they made in that room affected every aspect of your lives.

Peggy was wrapped up talking to Pepper; you took your chance and snuck out the backdoor to get some air. You briefly thought about waiting on Bucky’s bike, so he knew where you were but decided against it. It would just make it easier for the girls to find you and, you needed a break. So, you snuck off to hide in your jeep.

Bucky would find you. He always finds you.

"Hey, pretty girl." 

That  _wasn’t_  Bucky. 

Your entire body stiffened at the sound of another man's voice saying those words to you. That was Bucky's and Bucky's alone. It felt dirty coming from someone else, and you really didn’t like the way Eddie Brock said it.

"Eddie. How are you?" You greeted and let him ramble on about while you subtly kept your eyes on the clubhouse. Eddie knew what he was doing. No one just showed up there without an invitation and certainly not someone who was kicked out by the club’s vice president.

"Y/n?" You blinked and refocused on Eddie.

"You okay?" He asked with such concern you almost believed he cared.

"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry." You cleared your throat and gestured back to the clubhouse. "I'm just waiting for my boyfriend. You know the one. He broke your nose and kicked you out?”

Eddie placed his hand on Jeep, caging you between his arms, and you suppressed a shiver that was threatening to reveal your fear. You wouldn’t give him the pleasure. Eddie bent forward and whispered in your ear, "You shouldn't get involved with this club, Y/n. You don't know what they are capable of. Especially your boyfriend."

You huffed a humorless laugh and shook your head. He’s got a lot of nerve, you’d give him that. Here he was telling you what  _your_  Bucky was like? He couldn't imagine the things you knew, and he had no idea what your boyfriend was capable of, but he was about to find out precisely what your boyfriend was like.

Eddie was walking a trembling tightrope that was about to snap under him.

"I know exactly what he is and if I were you, I wouldn’t be here when those doors open, or Bucky will be the least of your problems.”

Try fifteen angry bikers. That was never a pleasant sight.

"Lemme take a guess why you're out here all alone, waiting for him to put you first? He had to rush off because Steve summoned him. Trouble with the club and left you here, alone, to handle business? You deserve better than this life.” Eddie slipped a small white card in your hand and stepped back from you.

"Do you really know him, Y/n? Think about it and give me a call when you’re ready to talk.”

You watched Eddie slink off fiddling with the piece of paper in your trembling hands waiting until he was out of sight to look at whatever he handed you. You unfolded the paper he gave you and tour stomach sank when you read it. Eddie Brock was a detective.

Eddie was never trying to patch in -- he had no interest in joining the club, his only interest was bringing it down, and from the looks of things, he was going to use you to do it.


	8. Something to Remind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are no more secrets, or are there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. General foreboding. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) 
> 
> A/N: The first part of this chapter is a flashback to sweeter times. It gives a glimpse of what they were like before everything went south. Music to listen to while you read? Tangled up in You By Staind and Call Your Name by Daughtry. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

_**Six years ago** _

_“Baby, what are we doing here?” You asked in the softest whisper you could manage. Your chest was pressed against Bucky’s back, your arms wrapped around him and chin resting on his shoulder as you watched him unlock the back door to Star-Lord Ink._

_The shop was cloaked in absolute darkness, and there was only one other motorcycle in the parking lot beside Buckys. By the looks of things, the place had been closed for hours. With it being two in the morning that made sense. You knew that Bucky and Peter were good friends, all of Bucky’s ink has come by his hand, and Peter was the artist that did the matching swallows Buck and you share. It still didn’t explain why your boyfriend had a key to the front door and why he was allowed to wander around the shop unsupervised._

_You weren’t about to ask._

_It was unlikely Bucky would tell you even if you did. More often than not in moments like these he responded with, ‘Its club business, baby. You know I can’t talk about it.’ It was annoying -- even if it was to keep you safe from other club and the cops. The less you knew, the less trouble you could get in._

_That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to know Bucky had an entire life you could never truly be a part of. You hoped one day he would realize he couldn’t live split down the middle and you prayed he would choose the path that led him to you._

_Doubtful. On both parts._

_“You’re gettin’ inked, babydoll,” Bucky answered with a bright grin. He hung his keys on his belt and flicked the lights on bringing the shop to life. You blinked a few times to let your eyes adjust to the fluorescent lighting, and you were right; it was empty.  His hands landed over yours, locking your arms around him as he made his way deeper into the shop._

_“I don’t get it,” you mumbled against Bucky’s shoulder and slowly detach yourself from him. “The place is closed. Who is doing it?”_

_Bucky looked over his shoulder at you and smirked as he shrugged out of his leather, hanging it on the chair. You scanned the stainless steel table next to the cellophane-wrapped table and caught a glimpse of what looked like everything a tattoo artist would need. But there was no tattoo artist around._

_It was just you and Bucky. Only the two of you--_

_Oh!_

_He grinned when your eyes twinkled from your realization and patted the table in front of him._

_“Hop up on the table, pretty girl.”_

_You bounced onto the table without hesitation or question. Bucky wouldn’t do anything to hurt you -- that included a terribly done tattoo. If he brought you here to do this, Bucky knew what he was doing and knowing your boyfriend, he practiced before he ever thought to bring you here. That didn’t mean you couldn’t tease him about it._

_“You sure about this? Do you even know what you’re doing?”_

_“I think I can follow a stencil and besides I practiced on Steve a few times.”_

_“Steve has James tattooed on his chest? That’s so sweet,” you sighed dreamily and held your hand to your heart. “Tell me, will you give me a warning before you run off together?”_

_“Okay, Smartass.” Bucky kissed your forehead and he sank down on to the small round black stool, using your ankle to pull himself between your legs._

_“Shirt off,” Bucky instructed with a teasing grin._

_Ah, it all made sense. Bucky didn’t want Peter, or anyone, to see you without a shirt on. Well, if he wanted a show, you could give him one._

_You raised your hands and slowly undid the button to the ‘Barnes Mechanics’ shirt you had put on in a rush when Bucky declared the two of you had somewhere to be.  Bucky licked his lips as he watched your fingers pop each button, and his eyes went wide when he saw you had nothing on under. Must have slipped his mind that little lace number you were wearing had been tossed somewhere in his room earlier that night._

_Bucky leaned forward as the last button of the shirt popped open and brushed his lips along the soft skin under your left breast, ghosting his lips over the spot where his name would soon rest._

_His eyes flicked up to meet yours, and the cool grey of his eyes had blurred black with desire. The desperate want in his eyes and the firm grip on your waist made you shiver with an unexpected need. A silly tattoo was the last thing on your mind when Bucky was between your legs looking up at you like he could see all of you; even the parts you tried to keep hidden._

_The loud buzzing from the tattoo gun in Bucky’s hand had goosebumps prickling your skin, or maybe it was the way his right hand was clutching your waist and the feel of his breath tickling your skin as he leaned in._

_“You okay?” he wondered aloud._

_You hummed in response, but all words were failing you. You couldn’t think of anything, but incoherent babbles. His breath on you, the dark, lust-filled eyes that were haunting you left you breathless and all you could do is watch as Bucky blew softly on the purple ink the stencil left on your skin._

_“Breathe,” you quietly reminded yourself._

_The stinging burn hit you for only a moment when the needle first touched your skin, and Bucky was quick to check-in. _Ever your protector; no matter the danger._ He made sure you were okay before he went on. _

_This was nothing like your swallow._

_It was terrifying when you sat before Peter. Bucky made sure to hold you, whisper how much he loved you and how lucky he is to be tied to you this way. It still made your heart summersault when you thought about it. This time though? You couldn’t breathe from the heat that was overwhelming you and it wasn’t steaming from the burn of the ink._

_There was no fear. Just want; a deep craving for the man nestled between your legs._

_The needle danced against your naked skin, and the longer it went on, the more your body was itching to be against his. It was begging you for something. You needed more of him on you. You wiggled your hips trying to relieve some of your ache, but Bucky tightened his grip on your waist, silently telling you to behave and quit squirming._

_Until he was done at least._

_“Done,” Bucky said through gritted teeth seconds later._

_You weren't the only one tingling from the heat._

_He gently wiped the last bit of blood, and any lingering ink from your skin, wrapping it with whatever it was Peter had left on the counter. His fingers ghosted over your skin and fumbled slightly at the feel of your bare skin under the heat of his hands.  You had to bite your lip to keep from grinning. There was something incredibly sexy about the way you could make him come unglued with so little effort._

_Bucky slid his hands around your ribs down to your butt and pulled you to the edge of the table, pressing you against him. He wanted to beg for you to tell him you sensed it too. He needed to hear that you felt the fire that raged between you; that you burned for him the same way he did for you because he nearly came undone every time you touched him._

_His fingers trailed along your spine silently asking for permission, and your shiver gave it. Long, thick fingers make quick work of the six or seven buttons on your shirt, and by the look in his eyes you knew he was grumbling in his head, ‘Why the hell did she have to wear those stupid ass stockings under her shorts.’_

_You wanted to make some snarky comment about how much he liked these shorts and the stockings when you tried them on for him in the dressing room but you couldn’t. Your thoughts were consumed by the way his fingertips were gliding against your skin._

__He wanted to take you right there on Peter’s table, but Bucky wasn’t about to let anyone see what belong to him. You would both have to wait._   
_

_Bucky helped you off the table and onto your trembling legs, and he could see the workings of some smartass remark sparkling in your eyes. It only spurred his need to have you quivering for him._

_“You know--” You were cut off by soft lips commanding yours. Bucky's fingers tightened on your waist as he quickly took control,  claiming your lips with raw hunger. You often found yourself here. Bucky’s fingers gripping your waist until you had the soft mark of fingertips left behind and kisses that left you so weak he had to hold you up. He forced himself to break the kiss, panting and heavy-handily setting you back to your feet, but he didn’t let you go completely._

_“I like my name on you,” Bucky whispered against your lips. “Does this mean you’re mine forever?” He said it with a smirk, a trace of humor, but the genuine fear behind the mask made your heart ache._

_Bucky was always waiting for the day his love would no longer be enough. No matter how much you assured him. Bucky has anticipated the end of your story from the moment it began, and from the fear in his eyes, he didn’t expect it to end happily._

_For once, he was going to be wrong._

_“Tonight. Tomorrow. Every day for the rest of forever. You've got me, James Barnes. I'm yours,” you swore._

_Bucky’s hand slid up to the back of your neck and pulled you to him for a softer, slower kiss -- a firm contradiction to the way his lips were dominating yours only moments ago. He slowly pulled back and smirked when he saw you chasing after his lips._

_“I better get you out of here before someone walks in and hears those pretty noises you make only for me,” His thumb ran along your bottom lip, eyes widened when you nip at it gently. Bucky narrowed his eyes at the satisfied smirk on your face and pulled you towards the door._

_“I can’t wait to show Clint when I get home.”_

_Bucky stopped short and turned to look at you, only relaxing when he spotted the taunting grin on your face._

_“You want your brother to kill me, darlin’? Is that it?” Bucky pulled the door closed behind him and gave it a few tugs to make sure it was locked. His hands were on your hips, pulling you back against him before you could get far._ _You giggled at the feel of his scruff tickling your neck as he trailed kisses along your neck._

_“He wouldn’t kill you.” You turned around in his arms and wrapped your arms around his neck, “Besides, I would never put you in harm's way. You know I couldn’t make it a day without you.”_

_“Neither could I.” He said, seriously again, edging on terrified.“My heart is yours. I don’t want anyone else. I’d fall apart if I ever lost you, pretty girl.”_

_\--------  
_

“Baby? Y/n, you alright?”

You blinked the memory away and looked back at Bucky standing in front of you and nodded, forcing your best smile. He didn’t buy it. You knew that by the gentle squeeze he gave your waist. Bucky would be asking about where you drifted off to as soon you had fewer people crowding you. You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him towards you, hoping to distract him, but he just grinned and shook his head.

So much for being his only distraction.

“What happened in chapel?” You asked, careful of how loud your voice is and mindful of all the other people enjoying lunch around you.

It didn’t seem to bother Bucky though, which was strange. Yes, he had taken you to an MC friendly bar for lunch, and sure, you were sitting outside with a band playing, but that didn’t mean it’s okay to spill club secrets to the open air. 

“Steve wants to move against Red Skulls now.” Bucky leaned his hips against the railing he had you propped up on and let his hands fall to your backside. “Probably within the next week. Depending on what intel Tony can dig up.”

All you could think about was Eddie.

“Now? Why now?” You questioned, trying, and failing to keep your anxiety hidden. Bucky, being Bucky, sensed it and placed several kisses on your cheeks, jaw, and chin until he could feel your tension ease.

“If we don’t make a move, they will.” Bucky finally answered. He was choosing his words carefully to keep your concern to a minimum. But it was important you knew how dangerous things were. 

“They have been digging around on everyone in the club, families included. I’d like you to move into the clubhouse until all this over so I can keep a better eye on you.”

You eyed him for a minute and shook your head. “Conveniently there is a danger that requires me to move in with you right after I turned down your offer to move into the clubhouse?”

Bucky chuckled and shrugged. “I might have to thank them before I dump their bodies.”

“Bucky…”

You had gone stiff in his hold yet again. It was like a knife to the heart. This was why he didn’t want to tell you what kind of man he really was, but you asked for honesty. He wasn’t going to keep secrets anymore.

“They know about you, Y/n. They threatened your life before, and I won’t let it happen again. I’ll do whatever I have to keep you safe.” You shivered at the meaning behind  _what I have to._  You didn’t want to be the cause behind any stains on Bucky’s hands.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t want you hurt any more than you want me hurt.”

That was the real reason why you were upset. 

Relief and then immediately after panic flooded Bucky. He needed to soothe your worry. His brain was frantically trying to think of something, anything that would put your fears to rest. He just got you back he certainly wasn’t going to do something that could take him away from you. But how would he convince you of that?

You pecked his cheek, interrupting his racing thoughts, and nodded your agreement. He would understand what your nod meant. He always does. And he did. You would move into the clubhouse with him until this was all cleared up.

“What about Clint?”

“What about Clint?” Bucky echoed. “He’s been away from the club long enough, and we need him. Everyone is coming in. Pepper and Morgan. Peggy and the twins. I’m going to go talk to him later today but probably better if I do that on my own. We need him, Y/n. I know he hates the idea of us together, but I think I can convince him.”

You raised your brow, and a grin formed you couldn’t prevent. “You sound confident.”

“Yeah, well.” Bucky shrugged and tightened his arms around you. “I told you, it’s different this time. I’m not letting anything ruin this. I’ve got a plan, baby. I just need you to follow my lead for a bit and trust me.”

Trust should go two ways. You couldn’t tell him you needed complete honesty and keep your own secrets.

You chewed your bottom lip and slowly pulled Eddie’s card out the bag that was still hanging across your body -- weighing your choices. Wives and kids bunking up in the clubhouse, the whole place on lockdown meant they were about to do something reckless and dangerous. You had to tell Bucky before things got out of control and he wound up in jail, or worse.

“That’s not even all of it, babydoll. Just the beginning," Bucky sighed, exhausted from whatever he had to tell you. "I can’t believe I left this out. Someone is talking to the cops,” Your heart stopped. Shit. You crumbled the card in your fist and stuffed it back into your purse. “

“S-someone from the club?" You stuttered.

“Yeah, I don’t know who but someone is talking. Tony is on it. I’m sure he will figure it out. Shit, I’m sorry. I’ve been running my mouth since I got done with those idiots. You said you had something you wanna talk about, baby?” Bucky placed a kiss to your shoulder, waiting patiently for you to tell him.

It didn’t matter if you wanted to tell him everything. If you showed it to him now, he would think you were the one spilling secrets, and he would never be able to trust you again. You couldn’t say anything. Not yet. Not until you figured out what Eddie wanted from you and what he was planning.

“It was nothing. I just missed you.” You lied with an ease that made you sick to your stomach.

Bucky grinned and lifted you off the railing. “How about we make a quick stop off before I go talk to Clint?”

“Putting off club business, VP?” You asked, your heart jumping from the look in his eyes. He grinned and kissed you quickly. 

“I told you. You’re the only thing that matters, baby doll.” 

\-------- 

“What are you doing here?”

Bucky tensed at the cold, harsh tone voice coming from one of his closest friends. Maybe he should have brought you to talk to Clint. You have always been good at turning him into a big softie. 

“Came to talk to you.”

Clint grunted in response. 

“You can’t keep ignoring Y/n,” Bucky tried, hoping the mention of hurting his sister would wear his walls down. “She can’t stand it when you’re mad at her.”

Clint huffed and threw the wrench back into the toolbox in front of him. “Right. She’s never had any problems pissing me off. I think you’re thinking about you.”

Bucky raised a brow, smirking at the insinuation. “You know what you’re sayin’, right? Your sister. The one that has screamed at me in front of the entire club on more than one occasion?”

Clint just shrugged. He wasn’t phased at all. 

“Seriously, Bucky. What do you want?”

 _Fine._  All business then. 

“I need you to come in.”

“Oh, you do?”  Clint shook his head. “Or does the club need me and you pulled the short straw?”

“Red Skulls threatened the club and your life.” 

Bucky knew that wouldn’t be enough because it wasn’t enough for him either. Not anymore. In the past a threat on the club wasn’t ignored, the gravity of any peril to the club was put above all else.  Both men were in different places than they were five or six years ago.

It all came down to what was important.

Nothing the club had to offer was more significant than you.

“They have information on Nat.” Bucky’s words made Clint still. “They were asking around for her schedule at the bar. What type of car she drives and when she’s not with you. They threatened your wife and your sister.”

Bucky couldn’t see Clint’s face, but the tension in his shoulders looked like a bow that was pulled tight and ready to snap. Bucky knew what he needed to hear, and it was long overdue.

It should have been said a decade ago.

“I know you hate that Y/n took me back and part of me is sorry she did. I’m sorry that she chose me. We both know she deserves more than me, but she did choose me, and I’m thankful for whatever the hell made her want to give me another chance. I know you want more for her, and so do I. It’s different this time, Clint.”

“Yeah?” Clint muttered as he fiddled with the spark plugs in his hands. “How so?”

“I’m done,” Bucky’s declaration hung in the stale air of the garage, and Clint slowly sat the spark plugs down, he looked up at Bucky waiting for him to continue. “I’m done with the club, Clint. After we handle this, I’m done. I’m turning in my patch, and I’m going to ask if I have to, beg Y/n to leave with me. I want to take her as far away from all this pain and bullshit as I can. I’m going to give her the life she deserves."

Clint chuckled softly and slowly rose to his feet. He always knew this day would come. He thought it would have been when you were twenty, not now. Guess the two of you needed a little more time to realize whatever everyone else knew from the start.

“I don’t think you’ll have to beg, Buck.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

Clint didn’t miss the nervousness in Bucky’s voice. It amazed him that Bucky could still think you wouldn’t follow him to the ends of the Earth just because he asked you to. The club has blocked your path before, but Clint had a feeling Bucky won’t let that happen again. Of course, Clint doesn’t want you to go, but you would be safe and happy with Bucky. 

That was all Clint’s ever wanted for you. He just needed to make sure Bucky wasn’t blowing smoke this time; if Clint was going to put his sister’s life firmly in Bucky’s hands.

“What about the club?” Clint asked, eyeing him warily, but Bucky doesn’t even flinch at what Clint was implying.

_Would you really leave your brothers for good?_

Bucky wouldn’t have much choice. If he handed over his patch, his time in Winter’s Soldiers MC was done. There was no going back, and while Steve wouldn’t force Bucky out of town like he would other members, Bucky would have to leave eventually. All part of the rules and life he signed up for before he could understand the gravity of his signature.

“Club can survive without me. I can’t survive without her.”

Clint smirked and shook his head. Dammit. That was the right answer. It took Bucky long enough to grow up; too long if you asked Clint. 

This was the first time Clint understood how important it was for you to leave the way you did. If you had stayed, you wouldn’t be where you are now. You might have gotten married. Maybe had kids. But you would be tied to this heartbreak and carnage for the rest of your lives and your kid's lives.

It was always supposed to happen this way.

“Lemme finish up here. I’ll grab Tasha and head over. I’m assuming we are on lockdown till they are dealt with?”

“A week tops. Steve wants to move as soon as the intel comes in,” Bucky said, and his whole body relaxed. He really expected a bigger fight. He figured he would be dodging several swings and at least one arrow.

Clint whistled lowly and with a wince. “Tasha is going to hate that.”

“Wait till you talk to your sister. She is being held hostage apparently.”

He rolled his eyes and shuddered at the thought of having to have that argument.  Thankfully you were Bucky’s problem again. The older brother in him had a moment of panic; if things were this bad, you shouldn’t be left to your own devices right now.

“Where is she anyway?”

“Dropped her off at her jeep and followed her nearly the whole way to the clubhouse,” Bucky said with a chuckle. He knew the look Clint was wearing. “Should be back at the clubhouse by now. She knows how serious this is.”

Clint hummed. He wasn’t convinced. If anyone knew how to get herself into unforeseen trouble, it was his sister. Call it whatever you want, brotherly intuition or whatever, something wasn’t right.

\-------- 

“I’m glad you wanted to talk, Y/n.”

“First of all,” You sneered as you peered around the small dinner.  There was a reason you said you would meet Eddie a town over. You didn’t want anyone to spot the two of you and spill your secrets to Bucky. 

“Stop saying my name because I’m not officially here. I’m deceiving the love of my life and my brother; my best friend, and the only family I’ve got. Do you get that? Do you get that just by sitting here with you I am betraying them both in the worst way possible?”

“I do understand that. I don’t know if you understand what you’re saying and who are saying it about. I know you think you love him--”

“I don’t think I love him. I love him. There are no maybes when it comes to my love for him” You snapped as you pulled your sunglasses from your eyes and tossed them on the table.

“What the hell do you want from me? I can’t help you. I don’t know anything.”

Eddie set his hands on the table and leaned forward, letting his voice drop in a quiet whisper meant for you alone. “We both know that’s not entirely true. I need your help. I already have enough evidence to arrest nearly everyone, your brother included, but I don’t want to bust the entire club. Most of those guys are good men. I don’t want to send guys like Tony or that kid, Peter, to jail. I just want to bring the club down. It’s poison, and I know you know that.”

He paused and let you take in his words. This next part was going to be hard for you to digest. Eddie waited until you asked him again what he wanted with you and he hoped there would be some small part of you that would understand.

“I want Steve and… I want James to take responsibility for the club’s actions. I want you to testify against them, and in exchange, I’ll keep your brother out of jail.”


	9. Life After You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets are spilled and old wounds are reopened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. General foreboding. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) Protective big brother Clint. 
> 
> A/N: It’s the beginning of the end my loves. Only 4 more parts left! I couldn’t get this part to come out right, but here it is! Music to listen to while you read? Everything Changes by Staind. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

There was something dark about the movement within and surrounding the clubhouse. A whispering feeling of dread was filling winds that were rustling the trees surrounding the twenty acres. The distressed, hurried actions made for an unfriendly scene when you pulled into your usual parking space. Everyone was preparing for a storm that had yet to show its face. There was no sign of how they would fair at the end of this, so preparations were for anything possible.

Cold winds or not, no one was going to take the chance.

For an outsider, things appeared to be no different from any other weekend.  A packed clubhouse wasn’t entirely uncommon for a Saturday night. There was always something going on; parties, barbeques, and MC events that never failed to get out of hand. This was unlike all of those times, though. The atmosphere around them hung onerous; there was a heaviness that clung to your skin and stiffness in each breath that made it nearly impossible to breathe.

This was no party. There was nothing to celebrate. Fear was the driving source behind the rushed and tense movements. The dark clouds hovering nearby were crawling closer with each passing seconds and rainfall was imminent. No matter how thoroughly they anticipated every possible outcome, there would be losses this time around that no one could stop.

Those very losses were the reason behind Steve’s frantic declaration that everyone needed to be close by. He needed to be with the club, but he couldn't bear to be away from his family. If something happened to Peggy or his babies, he would never be able to forgive himself.

Peggy and the twins, Henry and Emma, showed up that morning after locking their house down, per Steve’s begging. They were no longer babies, despite Steve’s wishful thinking. Explaining the sleepover to a pair of six-year-olds was not exactly Peggy’s shining moment as a mother. Too many questions she can’t answer. Too much of her own worry colored her words. Steve’s assurances did nothing to quell her uneasiness this time.

All she could do was hold on and hope there would be something left to rebuild when the tempest had passed.

Pepper arrived only a few minutes after you pulled up with Morgan and Peter following close behind her. You haven’t had a chance to meet Morgan, but just from the glimpse you caught as she made her way passed you sat atop Peter’s shoulders, she was without a doubt Tony’s daughter. You met Pepper’s eyes for a flash, but she was frantically trying to get her kids inside.

“Mom, it’s fine,” Peter dropped his arm over her shoulders as they walked through the rising grass. “Nothing is going to happen here. We are all good.” You couldn’t hear what Morgan responded with, but Pepper did not look pleased the look was followed by a sharp, “Tony!”

Pepper didn’t have the same calm demeanor that Peggy did. When she was overwhelmed, it showed. To be fair, she did live with Tony. Thankfully, Peter was by her side to help get their bags together and keep a close, protective eye on Morgan in Tony’s absence.

For a brief moment, when you were young and still innocent enough to believe this life and your love could occupy Bucky’s heart side by side, you had illusions of starting a family with Bucky.  The thought seems so silly now. It was a childish fantasy that was never meant to be a reality.

It was nice to see that some were able to have both.

Your eyes flicked from person to person. Everyone was there but Tony. You figured he has been locked away, eyes glued to those damn blue screens as he tried to figure out who their rat was and keep a close eye any and all movements made by Red Skulls. The thought left you feeling a tad queasy, but you kept moving forward. Natasha watched as you got closer to the front doors. You knew the look. She was disappointed with you, but what else was new? You’ve been in trouble since you came home.

It looked as if you were one of the last to arrive and the expression on everyone’s face, especially Bucky’s, made your chest burn with remorse. He was upset, anxious. From the glimpse at Clint’s face, he wasn’t happy with you either, but you weren’t sure what he was upset about or how much they knew.  

It seemed as if you were about to find out.

“Y/n,” Bucky growled as he advanced towards you. “What the hell happened? I told you how serious this is. You can’t just disappear like that! I thought--” He glanced to Clint and the rest of the group that was standing far too close for Bucky’s liking. The guys were quick to look away at the tremble in Bucky’s voice, but Peggy’s eyes softened a fraction as she ushered everyone but Clint back inside.

“I thought you ran like last time. I thought I lost you again.” Bucky admitted, his words are wrapped in doubt and past hurt you could do nothing to ease because you had the same hurt inked onto your heart. He didn’t want to admit that in front of Clint, but his heart was screaming, begging him to make sure and he simply couldn’t hold back.

You pressed a fleeting kiss to anxious lips and quietly assured him. “I promised you I wouldn’t run. I’m not running again. It’s you and me, forever. Although you did finish off the last of the pie. Maybe I should find someone who saves me the last piece of pie.” You purse your lips and glared playfully at him.

Bucky huffed out a constrained laugh and kissed your forehead, relief filling the shakey whispers he left against your skin. “I’ll buy you more. I’ll get you whatever you want. You just-- You had me scared for a minute there. I flashed back to five years ago and -- I, I can’t lose you again, pretty girl.”

His quivering confession lifted the tension in the air just long enough for your head to remind your heart how easily you betrayed him only hours before. The ache it brings you is laced with guilt, and it sent a shiver through you.

“Where did you go?” Clint interrupts your distorted notions.

Leave it to Clint see through you and get right to it. He was never much for subtlety. If the thought entered his head, it often left his lips before he could question whether it was a good idea; especially if he was upset and right now wasn’t pleased with you. You glanced back at your jeep towards the several boxes stacked up in the back and slowly lift up the bag in your hands.

“I was at our house. I figured I would need a few things if I had to stay here till this is all over. I must have just missed you guys.”

Bucky nodded, but there was still a flicker of apprehension dulling the sparkle in his eyes. Even after everything the two of you have shared since you came home, a large piece of him is waiting to wake up, and all of this be a dream -- a nightmare. One where you never came back at all, and he’s still living with that tear in his soul.

“Next time please let me know where you’re at, baby doll.”

“I should have. You’re right. I’m sorry, but you don’t have to worry. I’m not leaving you, Bucky. Never again.” Bucky wrapped his arms around your waist his hand gripping you as tight as he could without hurting you. An exchange a whispered of ‘I love yous’ and a few dozen kisses later Bucky resembled a somewhat calmer version of himself, no longer frightened with thoughts of old heartbreaks and melancholy daydreams.

For the time being, he was okay.

Bucky’s hand squeezed your waist once more as he ushered you inside, still whispering sugary words in your ear as you went. He couldn’t go long without getting his hands on you or telling you just how pretty you are. It has always been that way, but today it hangs heavy. Tainted and splintered. The gentle whispers and old pet names have been ruined by secrets and lies and guilt and Eddie.

Eddie took the only thing that’s ever been solely yours and infected it with deceit and treachery; it would be forever marred as such.

“I need to help Peggy get some of the kids settled you gonna be alright for a minute?” Bucky asked once you reached the threshold.

You laughed at his protectiveness. Even while you’re locked inside the safety of the clubhouse, he’s still trying to shield you. Part of you wondered how long that would stick around once he learned the truth, once he discovered what you had done. You quirked your head to the side a natural smile curling the edges of your lips.

“I think I can make it up a flight of stairs and into your room with no incidents.”

“Our room.” Bucky corrected you and placed a soft kiss to your lips.

“Right. Our room,” you echoed, softer this time because who knows how long it will be your room too. This wasn’t the place to dwell on things you couldn’t control. Too many eyes on you and too many opinions to be had once the truth finally broke; none of which would be on your side.

Except for Clint. He would always be on your side.

“What happened to your phone?” Clint inquired as you walked by him, leaving Bucky behind you. You were thankful for the reprieve if you were honest, but Clint wasn’t going to let you escape before he got some answers.

“Oh, it died, and I already packed my bag. So I couldn’t find my charger.” You let the lie roll off your tongue so easily you were beginning to wonder if you even knew what the truth was. Clint followed behind you without missing a step. He stepped into Bucky’s room and closed the door behind him. You knew what was coming. 

You could feel it -- blood or not.

“What were you really doing?”

And there was the question you were praying never came up. Clint had no idea how badly you wanted to just blurt it all out. How much you wanted to tell him where you had been and let him know what kind of trouble you were really in, but what good would it do? Clint couldn’t fix things, and he was already so disappointed you couldn’t stand to add anything else to your list of failures.

Not now. Not when you had so little time left.

“I see you’re talking to me again. I guess this means you’re no longer mad at me?” You asked purposely keeping your eyes downcast as you dropped your bags onto Bucky’s bed.

“This isn’t a joke, Y/n.” Clint snapped, voice tight and filled with dread. He was unmistakably scared of something, but you didn’t have the slightest clue as to what it could be. You could guess, though. If there was anyone besides Bucky that knew you, really knew you, it was Clint, and he knew when something wasn’t right.

“I was at our house picking up a few things.” You shrugged and tossed your old wooden box on the bed, ignoring your brother once again. It was the easiest way to aggravate him and hopefully get him to leave you alone. Your box of memories sat on the bed, watching you slowly come undone with each word you spoke.

“Bullshit. Maybe you went there and grabbed a few things, but it was on your way home. Where were you before that?” You turned your back towards him and started to pull your clothes out of your duffle bag, disregarding him and the question but Clint was done playing. He walked over and snatched the shirt you were folding out of your hands, he tossed it back on the bed and turned you around to meet his eyes.

“We just worked on your jeep I can check the mileage and figure out where you went from there.”

“I’m having senior year flashbacks.” You joked. Clint didn’t laugh. He crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged. “You wanna act like a teenager, I’ll treat you like one.”

The silence in the room reminded you of the morning Clint caught you sneaking in your bedroom window after sneaking out to spend the night with Bucky. He never did tell your dad or Buckys. He’s always known what you were doing before you did and he’s done everything he could to keep you from getting hurt. Why would this be any different? Either you did this alone, or you let your brother in and let him help you.

The pleading look in Clint’s eyes let you know you made the right choice; he would need your help and you needed his.

You pulled the card out of your back pocket and handed it over to Clint, but you couldn’t look him in the eye when you did. That had him worried. Hundreds, maybe thousands of scenarios went through his head, and all of them scared him shitless. There have been a handful of moments in his life when Clint caught you doing something stupid or reckless, and they almost always involved Bucky, but you’ve never been scared to talk to him, and at that moment you looked so afraid his stomach dropped like a brick.

Clint uncrumpled the small white card and read gleaming black letters; over and over. He must have read the damn thing twenty times.  There was no way he was reading it right. Eddie Brock wasn’t-- They thoroughly vet potential club members, so things like this don’t happen. No, no. No. There was a mistake. Eddie couldn’t be a cop, and he wasn’t working with his sister.

Not his bug.

One glance at the tears pooling in your eyes, and he just knew. You were with Eddie today and whatever you talked about involved the club. If he had to gamble, going by the tears catching in your lashes, Bucky was weaved into the threads of whatever this was.

“He threatened you with jail time, didn’t he?” Clint didn't need you to respond because he already knew, That’s how they worked. They go after the ones with the most to lose and out of everyone that was you. No one threatened his sister-- Cop or not.

“Stay here.” He ordered as turned on his heels, but you grabbed his arm and pulled him back before he could put one foot in front of the other. This couldn’t leave Bucky’s room. Once it did, it would be too late.  

“No! You can’t. He said he had information on the club and you. He said he could throw you in jail unless--”

“Unless what, Y/n?” Clint was begging for you to just give him something, anything he could go on.  “I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s going on, bug.”

“Unless I testify against Steve and Bucky. If I testify against them, he said he won’t go after the rest of the club.” You spoke so softly he had to read your lips so he could catch what you were saying. It was much worse than he thought. He knew he should have ripped Eddie apart the moment he laid a hand on you.

“Do you have any idea what you’re messing with? You’re playing games you don’t understand.”

“I’m not trying to play any games.” You interpreted, frantic for him to understand. “I didn’t know what to do, Clint!”

That had him seeing red because you knew better than that. He knew you knew what to do the second you were in trouble -- no matter the cause.

“Why didn’t you tell Buck right away? The man quite literally worships the ground you walk on. He would do anything for you! You don’t think he would protect you even from the cops?!”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged and asked with a sniff. “What if Bucky thinks I’m the rat?”

Clint couldn’t even dignify that with an answer. Bucky could hear the words from your own lips. You could tell him yourself that you betrayed him, that you sold him, Steve and the club out and Bucky would still defend you. Clint doubted he would even believe you; no matter the proof and no matter who it came from.

“Let me talk to Steve and Bucky first, okay? I’ll handle everything.” You nodded and sank down onto Bucky’s bed.

“What about Bucky? Or the club?” You asked before Clint could pull the door open. He looked back at you and shook his head. He really thought you would have finally got it.

“Sis, if you think for one second Bucky would let anyone in this club lay a finger on you you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”

**\---------**

“Steve, got a minute?”  

“Yeah, Tony.” Steve followed Tony into the room and arched his brow as he watched the shorter man close the door. “What did you find that needs this kind of secrecy?”

Tony tossed several photos on the table and crossed his arms over his chest as Steve took in the images. “Eddie is a cop?” Steve growled, flipping through each picture of Eddie. “How did we miss that? He’s the rat, and we opened the damn door!”

“That’s not all. Kind of the least of our problems big guy.” Tony pulled the image out of the stack of photos and met Steve’s gaze, “She met with him today. I hacked into the police system and did a little search to see if Eddie popped up on any red-light cameras, security cameras.  I wanted to get an idea of who we were dealing with. He went inside roughly five minutes before she did. She left first, in a huff but he followed quickly after.”

Steve’s eyes traveled over the grainy images. They were hard to make out. Y/n’s jeep was easy to spot on the traffic cameras, but there wasn’t a single shot of her license plate. She could easily explain that away, but what looked bad for everyone was the image of her entering the diner shortly after Eddie. The swallow on her wrist stuck out like a sore thumb through the blur of the poor quality of the photograph.

“I thought it would be better if you spoke to Bucky about it.”

Tony was right. Something like this coming from anyone but him would end badly. Bucky would go to the ends of the Earth to keep Y/n safe. Everyone knew that and Steve hoped they knew better than to disrespect her or Bucky with ridiculous rumors and a shortage of facts.

“This doesn’t leave this room,” Steve told him quietly, still staring at the images spread across the table in front of him. “You tell no one. Not Pepper. Not Peter. No one. I need to speak to Buck.”

"Yeah, yeah. I figured. So, you thinking…"

He took a deep breath and met Tony’s gaze. "I think the club, all of us are in trouble and by the time this is all over, I think I’m going to lose my best friend."

“That’s what I was afraid you were going to say,” Tony muttered.

Steve lost track of time, he was unsure how long he had been staring at the black and white prints staining the cherry wood table. How long is too long when death is knocking on the front door? The look of annoyance growing on Tony’s face hinted that it had been too long. He squared his shoulders and gave a sharp tug to his leather. Persona in place. Steve had to take a backseat, right now the club and Bucky needed that.

The large double doors swung open, and Steve scanned the common room stopping when his eyes landed on a mop of brown hair and thin chain holding a delicate piece of the man’s heart.

“Hey, Buck?” Bucky looked up, and his smile fell at the look on Steve’s face. “I need to talk to you a second.”


	10. Half Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky learns you’ve been hiding some things and makes a decision that will change everyone’s future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. General foreboding. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) Protective big brother Clint.
> 
> A/N: The first half is a flashback from Bucky’s pov. It’s after the flashback from chapter 4, so this is right after they broke up and before she left town. Three more parts loves! My plan is to finish up chapter 11 tomorrow and get the last few chapters posted by Tuesday. We will see though. You know how it goes with RL and all. Also, remember you love me and I make you guys happy with Astrophile, okay??? Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

_**4 years and 364 days ago.**  _

_The morning brought a new onslaught of pain Bucky wasn’t equipped to handle in his dejected state. He spent the night in a fit of restless sleep. Every time he succeeded in dozing off, he was cursed with visions of you, the only part of his heart that’s worth a damn, walking out of the clubhouse and his life. In the hours he spent awake, praying it was all a terrible nightmare, he was drowning in her broken pleas begging him to leave and love her more than this God-forsaken club._

_A deep pulsing ache was pounding in his head as he slowly sat up. The pain in his head and empty bottles on the floor of his room were there to remind him this was no nightmare, but the cool metal of her ring against his skin burned -- the added weight was unwelcomed, and he wished he didn't have to bear it. she had given him everything she had, and he shoved it back in her face all because he was scared. Scared to leave the club, this town and scared that part of the reason she loved him was who was because of this club._

_Stupid? Maybe, but it haunted him regardless._

_He didn’t know how to be anything else other than this. All he’s ever been was this club, Bucky didn’t have a plan or goals or anything close to the dreams you had. His only dreams are filled with loving you, and the part of him that made a promise to your dad was glad you wanted to end things. Your love was toxic and bad and all things... good and right in his shitty life. He couldn’t let you go, not yet. He was going to fight for you until you told him to not to._

_6:04 a.m._

_The alarm clocked glared back at him, regarding him with enough judgment to make Bucky hate the damn thing. It just stared at him, waiting for him to make a move. 6:05 a.m. You would likely still be asleep, but he couldn’t wait. He needed to tell you he loved you and how utterly stupid he was. He needed to feel your hands on his skin and have your lips on his or he wouldn’t make it to see tomorrow. He had to find you and fix this-- right now._

_Bucky jumped off his bed, kicking the empty bottles around his floor as he gathered clothes that were thrown about and his bag. A black shirt, his leather and a pair of jeans he found crumbled in the corner of the room, he didn’t have time to worry about what his choice in fashion. He had to make things right, and he had to do it now because he couldn’t live this life without you._

_Steve slowly stood up as Bucky came barreling down the stairs. “Buck? We’ve got chapel in a few hours. Where are you going?”_

_“You’re gonna have to run it without me. I’ve got somewhere I gotta be, Stevie.”_

_~  
_

_“I guess I should have known you would show up sooner or later. How was your night, Buck?” Clint greeted the brunet in the doorway to his house, obviously refusing to let Bucky passed the threshold._

_“Hey, Clint.” Bucky blew out a breath and chuckled at the uncomfortable strain between them. He should have known this wouldn’t be easy when he had to get through Clint. “This is awkward. I need to talk to Y/n. I know she probably told you what happened, but you know how much I love her. I was an idiot, and I know I shouldn’t have said anything that I did last night I just--- I need her, Clint, you know? I love her, and I’d like to say sorry if she lets me.”_

_Clint’s tough act faltered just enough that allowed the door to open fully -- still blocked Bucky’s path, but he could at least see into the house. He might be mad at Bucky, but he was no fool. Anyone with eyes could see how much Bucky loved his sister, his love had never been in question -- at least not to Clint._

_But it doesn’t mean, Clint had to like it._

_“I don’t know what happened last night. She wouldn’t tell me but, yeah, you were a fucking idiot from what I could get out of her,” Clint shook his head and let his arm drop -- along with the protective big brother performance. “ She’s not here Bucky.”_

_Dread washed over him. There were plenty of people who would love to hurt her because of who he was, and he may have driven her right into their arms. He pushed the panic down and took a deep breath, and asked, “Okay, well, where did she go? I’ll bring her ass home and get it all sorted out.”_

_Clint’s eyes grew dark, and Bucky didn’t have to be a genius to know Clint was about to deck him. Natasha walked up and put a hand on Clint’s shoulder, tugging him back into the house and out of the way before continuing in his place. “No, James. She’s gone. She loaded up her jeep around four this morning and left. I don’t know where she went, but she promised she would call me when she got there safely.”_

_“Wait --” Bucky couldn’t breathe.  “She’s gone?” His vision had gone blurry. “Like gone for good? She just grabbed her things and left without a goodbye…”_

_The beating in his chest had stopped, and he knew this was it. He always knew this day would come, he’s always known you were too good for him, and he’s never been foolish enough to think he deserved your love, but he didn’t think it would happen like this._

_He thought he would at least get the chance to say goodbye._

_“I think she thought you two already had your goodbye.”_

_Natasha has never seen Bucky look quite like this before. He looked vulnerable, abandoned, and broken. A new scar was added to the mangled mess he called his heart, and he could pinpoint the second it tore his chest open. Natasha took a step forward to grab his hand, intent on making him come inside, she doesn’t like the idea of him driving when it looked as if he had just been torn apart and shoddily patched back together._

_“Why don’t you come in and I'll--”_

_Bucky shook his head and stumbled back down the stairs. “I can’t stay Tash. I gotta -- I have to go.”_

_Bucky floundered on inept feet back to his motorcycle regarding the black duffle bag on the back with thoughtless, senseless hope. It was stupid of him to think he could simply show up and say sorry; tell you how much he loved you, he made a mistake, and he’s ready to go whenever you wanted to go. You’ve waited long enough and he was stupid to think you would still be waiting after every terrible thing he’s done to shatter your heart._

_Too little, too late, Barnes._

_The front door to the clubhouse flies open, and Bucky stomped through, heading straight for Steve. He slapped his hand to his chest, pressing something against the rough leather. Their eyes met for a brief uncertain moment before he was gone, he grabbed a few bottles from behind the bar, ignoring every nervous stare and uneasy glance. Steve looked down in his hand and ran a finger over the president’s patch. Gaping up at Bucky from his bar stool, there were frayed pieces of string and leather where the patch once stood over Bucky’s heart._

_Nothing was there now, it was empty and tattered -- just like him._

_“What the hell is this Buck?”_

_He shrugged, uncaring and unthinkingly. “I’m done. It’s your club.”_

_Bucky pushed through Sam and Steve, blew right by Tony and little Peter, taking the stairs two at a time. Ending the questions and the stares with a final slam of that echoed through the club._

_Steve looked over at Sam. “What the hell just happened?”_

_“I think you just got a promotion.”_

_~_

_“Steven…”_

_“Peggy, I’m not going to let him drink himself to death. He's acting like an idiot. I can’t run this club without him, and I don’t want to. He can’t just waste away because she’s gone.”_

_“He's not an idiot. He’s brokenhearted. Put us in their shoes, darling. Where would you be if you lost me, hm? Nowhere good, I think we can agree on that. Be gentle.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and left him alone in front of Bucky’s door. They had to navigate this on their own -- like brothers._

_Steve doesn’t knock. He has spent days and days knocking on his door every hour on the hour, then at random times to check-in. Bucky never answered anyway. Steve pushed the door open and winced at the mayhem before him. The room was dark, covered in trash and beer bottles, but the mess didn’t end there. Bucky sat perched on an old wooden stool by the window, dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep or the booze -- Steve isn’t sure, but both needed to stop. He was still wearing the same dirty jeans he had on the last time Steve saw him and that damn chain he refused to take off. At least he took off the filthy shirt he seemed to be so fond of lately._

_Steve couldn’t recognize the man in front of him, and he never wanted to see his best friend like this again; only he couldn’t fix it -- he wasn’t the one Bucky needed._

_“Come on, Buck. We’ve got some stuff we gotta deal with. Why don’t you get dressed and come down?”_

_Bucky didn’t answer. He took another drag of his cigarette and flicked it out the window as smoke fell from his lips. He wasn’t interested in anything that had to do with the club. His patch was gone, and he had a good reason for passing it on. He was done the moment you asked him to be-- just too stupid to make the right choice._

_“I need you and so does the club.” Steve implored him. “I want to help. I don’t know how.”_

_“There’s nothing you can do Steve. Y/n’s gone. I’ve got no idea where she went, no way to contact her, and even if I did, she wants nothing to do with me. No one can do anything to help me. Least of all this damn club.”_

_“Well, you can’t just hide away in here and live on stale chips and whiskey.”_

_Bucky finally turned to face Steve, his eyes were dark and nothing like the blue they were when they were kids. “Did you not hear me? I fucked up. She’s gone!” Bucky bellowed. “What the hell do you want from me? What am I supposed to do, huh?”_

_Bottles clattered together as Steve pushed his way through the room and dropped into a low squat in front of Bucky, holding out something small and black in his hand. Bucky inspected the piece of material in Steve’s hand, staring at the white letters glaring at him in stark contrast to their black background: Vice President._

_“For starters, you’re going to get up, shower and get some food in you. Give your niece and nephew a few cuddles, and you’re going to put the damn vice president patch on your leather because this is your club, not mine and you need to be at the table with me. I can’t do this without you. Then you’re going to wait.”_

_Bucky took the patch from Steve’s hands and looked down at him, brows furrowed and a dark scowl on his face, “Wait? Wait for what Steve?” He sighed and gave Bucky a fond albeit exasperated smile, the kind you save for your clueless, slightly reckless sibling when you have to save their necks once again._

_  
“Y/n, Buck. She will come back. Somewhere in that bourbon filled head of yours, you know that; she will come back to you. She always does.”_

\--------

“Okay, are one of you going to tell me what the hell is going on in here?” Bucky crossed his arms over his chest watching Steve and Tony with half amusement and half fear -- the fear was beginning to win out.  Something wasn’t right, and he was worried Y/n was in trouble. His only peace of mind was Clint not being in the room. If she was in danger, there was no way Steve would leave Clint out this talk. 

They would never hear the end of it if they did. 

“Buck,” Steve started, switching from foot to foot as his brain worked out the possibilities of Bucky knocking him out the second the words left of his lips. There was a decent chance that was how this whole thing would play out. Bucky would tolerate a lot from Steve, more than anyone else, but calling the love of his life the possible rat was not one of the things Bucky would offer a reprieve for. 

Bucky swore under his breath and looked between Tony and Steve. Their uneasy expressions made his heart sink. “For christ sake. Did they threaten her life? What? I’m about to lose my mind over here.” 

Steve blew out a breath and passed over the pile of photographs that Tony had collected. “Eddie is a detective. He’s been passing information back about things he’s seen and details about the inner workings of the club. He didn’t get much since he was never brought into chapel or fully initiated, but he probably has an enough to put a few of us away for bullshit petty crimes.” 

Bucky flipped through the photos slowly as Steve went on. He knew Eddie was trouble from the moment he stepped into the club -- he could feel it. If it had been Bucky’s call, he would have tossed him out on his ass right then, but he gave up say in those decisions a long time ago. He flipped to the middle of the stack and froze at the grainy black and white photo before him, letting the rest of the images fall to the floor. His gaze was glued to the swallow on the thin computer paper in his hands.

That wasn’t right, but it was her. Bucky knows every line of that tattoo and every single inch of her skin, terrible resolution or not -- that was his girl. 

“What the hell is this?” Bucky asked, looking up at Steve. 

“Buck, listen--” 

A hollow laugh bubbled up from his chest as Bucky tried to control his temper, he stepped towards Steve holding out the picture and spoke again. “What. The. Hell. Is this?” Tony stiffened up next to Steve as if he needed to protect the club president from some threat -- Bucky being the threat. Bucky turned to look at Tony and snapped. “Seriously, Tony? What are you going to do?” 

“Kind of depends on what you do.” 

“Just for shits let’s see what you got--” 

Steve groaned and held his hands out against their chests, pushing them apart, scolding the pair.  “Are you both done? Get it all out of your system? Because we have bigger issues to deal with besides your egos.”

Tony held up his hands and stepped up back, but Bucky didn’t back down -- not that Steve expected him to. 

“You know she’s not the rat. Whoever talked to Eddie, if anyone even did talk, knew things she doesn’t know about. The things Eddie has on the club happened while she was gone, so how the hell could it be her?” 

“I know, Buck,” Steve answered calmly because he needed Bucky calm for what he was about to ask. “But we need to figure out why she’s meeting with him in secret and keeping it from you. Would she make a deal to save Clint?”

“No!”

“Fine. Okay. Would she make a deal to save you?” 

That Bucky couldn't answer. 

You wouldn’t sell him out, and he knew that, but would you make a deal to keep him out of prison? To keep him there with you even if it was for only a little longer? He couldn’t answer out loud because his heart knew the answer. Your hearts were one and the same, so he knew precisely what you would do -- the same thing he would. He would trade his life for yours without a second thought, he would do whatever he had to keep you safe, and Bucky doesn’t doubt you’ve done the same. 

But he wouldn’t admit that to the club, and as much as he hated it, Steve was the club. 

The double doors swung open with a clumsy dramatic flair that could only belong to Clint. They slammed shut behind him, and some of the tension seemed to have found an escape while the doors were open, leaving room for a new strain to fill up the air around them. Steve looked past Bucky to meet Clint’s eyes.

“Not now Clint. This-- we are in the middle of something.” 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about. Thanks for letting me know you’re in here talking shit about my sister by the way,” Clint added with an air of annoyance. He handed the over wrinkled card to Bucky, not Steve. He had his reasons, and all of them had to do with keeping his family safe. “Y/n gave it to me. It’s not whatever you are thinking.” 

“And what do you think I’m thinking Clint?” Steve prodded evenly, not allowing Clint to goad him into a petty fight -- everyone was upset, and fighting wasn’t going to solve anything. 

Bucky flattened the card in his hand and stared at the words printed on the small piece of white cardstock. He already knew what Clint was going to say before he said it and Bucky knew what he had to do to make all this go away.

“I’m not sure, but unless you think she’s completely faultless in this, you’re fucking wrong. Eddie threatened her with jail time, Steve. The dick said if she didn’t testify against you and Buck, he had enough to send the rest of us to prison, myself included. She didn’t know what to do.” 

Bucky felt sick -- everything burned and his stomach twisted into knots. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

After everything you’ve been through together you didn’t know you could come to him with anything? He was racking his brain to try and figure out what he had done over the years to make you feel like you couldn’t come to him when you were scared. He really thought you knew how deeply his love burned for you and how far he would go to keep you safe. He had to get away from all this. Bucky couldn’t stand to be in that room, in the God damn clubhouse for a second longer. 

The picture Steve had given him was thrown onto the table, and Bucky stalked towards the doors, crumbling the card in his hand; he had a someone to visit. Steve’s voice and boots called after him, “Bucky, where are you going?” 

“Out, Steve.” 

“Bucky--” 

He paused at the doors and looked over his shoulder at his best friend. “I gotta cool off, Steve. Just give me some damn space, okay?” 

Steve paused and gave him a small nod. 

“Okay, Buck.”

Bucky nodded, quick and tremulous. His fumbling fingers zipped his leather up, and he tucked your ring under the protective layer as he stormed out of the room. Clint clapped his hands together and looked at Steve and Tony, “Way to go. Who had the bright idea to talk to Bucky first and not me? He’s punch first and talk later when it comes to Y/n.” 

“Right, because you’re always so level-headed?” Steve countered, gently shoved Clint out of the double doors and looked back at Tony nodding to the photos. “Keep all that in the safe. I need to talk to Y/n.” 

Clint huffed and shook his head. “Not without me around, you’re not.” 

“What do you think I’m going to do her? She’s practically my sister--” 

“Yeah, well, she’s actually my sister.” Clint’s growl was cut short by the sound of Bucky’s bike starting up in the garage. 

“Is Bucky leaving?” Everyone spun around to you find standing at the bottom of the stairs, eyes wide and pleading with them. Begging for what, Steve didn’t know, but he could take a few guesses.

The sound of the motor grew quiet the further Bucky got from the front doors, and dust clouds could be seen from the windows as his bike sped down the dirt road that led up to the clubhouse. You glanced at Clint and Steve. Steve knew you could tell by the look of disappointment on his face-- even though he was trying to hide it. Your eyes quickly fell to the floor, and within seconds you felt an arm come around your shoulders, you figured it was Clint, but when you looked back up it wasn’t your brother. 

Steve smiled and gave your shoulder a squeeze. “Come see the kids. Henry and Emma were babies the last time you saw them, and you haven’t met Morgan yet. She’s a mini Tony, but it turns out all that sass is cute when it’s coming from her.” 

“Steve… What-- Is he…” 

“He just needed a minute to cool off that’s all Y/n. I’m sure he will be back before you can blink. Buck can’t be away from you for long, and you know that.” 

Bucky only needed a minute to cool off, and he would be back. It sounded all well and good -- so perfect you could wrap a bow on it.  Steve was good at that. He has always been better at that than Bucky. Bucky wears too much of his heart on his sleeve, and it made his anxiety and doubt easy to spot. Steve was good at that kind of talk; the rousing speech that made the crowd feel better, smarter or stronger and led to the belief it would all be okay as long as everyone stuck together and did what was right. 

This time, his words didn’t seem to carry the same weight they usually did. 

Your heart knew better. 


	11. The Hardest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky chooses his path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. General foreboding. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) Protective big brother Clint. ANGSTY. 
> 
> A/N: We are almost there. I’m sorry this is so dark, but I swear it’s not gratuitous. All of this has a purpose. Two more parts! We are almost there loves. Fingers crossed I can have the series finished by this weekend? Maybe. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

The kids were sweet. 

Quite possibly, the most adorable kids you’ve ever seen. Emma looked just like Peggy but had Steve’s eyes and soft smile. Henry? He was going to be a charmer, a regular James Buchanan Barnes -- a sweet talker with a kind heart. Morgan was smarter than you, that you were confident. She had clung to her brother at first but warmed up to you eventually. Steve was right; Tony’s sass could be cute when it was coming from that sweet face. 

You wished you could give them more of your attention but you couldn’t. Your heart hurt too badly to give more of yourself. You didn’t know what was happening, but you knew it was bad -- whatever trouble Bucky was getting himself into was not going to result in some fairytale happy ending. You sat downstairs with the kids and played for over an hour before your head and heart began to wander to a place they wouldn’t come back from on their own; you needed Bucky. Henry had become bored rather quickly and decided to follow Steve around, his little shadow Peggy had said. 

If Henry was going to look up to and aspire to be anyone, there weren’t many men better than Steve Rogers -- having a little bit of his Uncle Bucky in him wouldn’t hurt either.

The girls took the absence of boys to talk about their favorite glitter nail polish, but Morgan didn’t seem to share Emma’s enthusiasm. Somewhere between the sparkle teal and cotton candy polish debate you snuck off, leaving the girls with their mothers and retreated to Bucky’s room -- your room according to Bucky. Or, well, maybe not now. You didn’t know if he ever wanted to see you again. You couldn't blame him if he didn’t. 

The bed sagged when you sat down on the edge, and you regarded all the bags and boxes you brought with you. Steve wasn’t judging your choices, but your boxes were -- especially a particular wooden box that held a lot more than just some old letters. You tucked your legs under you and sat the old box on your lap, running your hands along the edges. Stupid box. You had no idea why you kept it this long, it’s just a dumb box Bucky used to keep all your photos, concert tickets, and notes in. Somehow the damn thing ended up with you when you left, and you haven't dared to peek inside. 

If it's just a dumb box, then why couldn’t you look inside? You swore you could hear the case mocking you, judgemental and condescending tone firmly in place. “No one asked you, okay? I can open you if I wanted to.” You grumbled quietly to the empty room, taking a deep breath and forcing your fingers to flip the lid of the box open. 

A strangled sob fell from your lips that quickly melted into laughter at the sight of the note resting on top,  _‘Meet me after English? I haven’t seen you in hours, and I don’t think I can make it another hour without kissing your lips, pretty girl.’_ The paper had begun to yellow, and the edges were soft to the touch from age. 

You gently set the waned paper on the bed beside you as your fingers slowly flicked through the contents of the box -- so many concert tickets you couldn’t count them all, dried daisies you had long forgotten and piles of pictures that held your best memories. 

“Are you going to marry Uncle Bucky?” A little voice asked from the doorway, making you jump. You looked up to discover Emma and Morgan watching you with a curious glint in their eyes. Somewhere downstairs, Peggy Carter was far too happy with herself. You waved them in and set the box on Bucky’s bed so they could have a look, and the shock wore off enough for your answer. 

“Um, I don’t--I don’t really know.” 

"I think you should,” Morgan admitted. 

"Why's that?” You asked, an amused smile curling up your lips. 

"He loves you," Morgan answered with a head tilt and 'are you serious' expression on her face -- Tony's daughter. No question about it. 

“And you’ve loved him your whole life, and he's never loved anything as much as he loves you. That’s what momma says anyway,” Emma added, you quirked a brow up as you watched the girls flipping through your old pictures, you inquired, “What else did your momma say?” 

“That you both are stubborn and if you stopped running and talk to each other you could be finally together and be happy.” Emma giggled and held up a picture of you and Bucky from seven or eight years ago -- you’re not entirely sure at this point. It was a long, long time ago. 

The date didn’t matter, it was pre-breakup, before your dad and before-- back when you thought the two of you could get through anything as long as you had each other. The both of you looked so young and so full of hope for your future. That was a good day. You could see it all clearly; it was another clubhouse bonfire, and Peggy had snagged the picture while your eyes were focused on the fire and your attention was zeroed in on the salacious whispers Bucky was murmuring into your ear, and whatever he was saying had you both grinning a mile wide. 

Things were so much easier back then. If you could go back and tell yourself anything, you would tell twenty year old you,  just how easy she had it, spend less time worrying about the club and more time loving the man in front of her 

“You guys look funny.” Emma eventually continued. “Uncle Bucky looks weird with short hair and no beard, but you look funny, too.” 

You laughed and took the picture from her. “Gee, thanks. I think I have some of your momma and daddy in there, if you want to look, Emma.” The little girl’s eyes lit up, and she grabbed two handfuls of photographs to search through. 

Morgan climbed into your lap so she could look at the picture in your hand one more time, and said with a grin. “So you marry Uncle Bucky and then you can be my aunt! Can I be your flower girl? I like daisies.” 

You looked down at the bright little girl in your lap and back to the bundle of dried daisies in your box. She was too smart for her own good, “I think Uncle Bucky has to ask first, and that might be a long time away. I can still be your aunt, though.”  

“Okay, but I’ll tell him to get moving, so it’s official.” She said with beaming smile and bright eyes as if she just figured it all out because all your problems would be solved if you simply married Bucky, wouldn’t they? You couldn’t tell her the truth. She didn’t need to know that your life was far from a fairytale, and marrying Bucky would never happen. 

After all these years, at least you can finally admit it to yourself. 

\--------

“I should have been expecting this I suppose.” Eddie started, strolling up to the tree Bucky was leaning against. When Bucky had called and said he wanted to meet, Eddie thought maybe a restaurant or somewhere with air conditioning. He should have seen this coming after his talk with Y/n, but he thought from everything he’s heard about their relationship she was ready to move on from all that death and destruction. 

“I didn’t think you still had that hold on Y/n. Wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong, though. I should have known she would run right to you.” 

“Don’t bring Y/n up again. I’d hate to rebreak your nose.” Bucky flicked the bud of his cigarette to the ground and leaned in as if he was inspecting Eddie’s injuries. He pursed his lips as if he was studying the damage and then, smirked as smug as can be all while he taunted him. “Looks like you still got a little purple under the eyes there. Didn’t get ice on it in time from the looks of it. You gotta move faster than that.” 

“What do you want, Barnes?” Eddie grumbled. 

As fun as it was to make Eddie squirm, he didn’t come here to ridicule him. “I want to make a deal.”

That had Eddie’s interest piqued. Getting Y/n to testify against the club was good, but having an actual club member, the former president, who knew every secret behind those big double doors and wooden gavel? That was gold. That was the deal he wanted to make from the beginning, but, he never found an in with any of them. This…  _This_  could have potential. 

“What kind of deal?” Eddied pushed doing his best to keep the excitement out of his voice. Bucky caught it instantly and grinned like a cat that got the cream. “I can get you Red Skulls, president and all. You and I both know that’s a much bigger win for you than taking bring Steve and me in.” 

Bucky wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t enough. He was tasked with bringing the Winter’s Soldiers MC down, and there was no way everyone was getting off the hook -- not this time. 

“What else?” 

“What else?” Bucky echoed. “Taking down a large crime organization that's selling guns and killing innocent people ain’t enough for ya?” 

“No, it’s not.” 

Bucky smiled, but it was bittersweet. He already knew it wasn’t going to be enough. He had hoped, but he knew. 

“I’ll take ownership of the mess that happened two years ago. Out on Lone Oak. No one else from my club was involved, and everyone walks for whatever you found out during the few times you infiltrated my club like the rat that you are.” 

“I thought it was Steve’s club?” Eddie urged, disregarding the rat comment completely. 

“It was my father’s club and passed the gavel to me, it’s my club. I give the orders and take full responsibility for anything that happened over the last decade.” 

“Lone Oak, huh?” Eddie takes a deep breath. Lone Oak was a pretty big deal, and the case was never closed. It would be a huge deal to finally put the cold case to rest and have someone to charge for the mess of illegal weapons they found under all the rubble and ash. Eddie was pretty sure the credit for Lone Oak belonged to Schmidt, and Steve and his men were simply cleaning it up, but if Bucky wanted to take the blame and Eddie could claim the takedown, then who was he to fight Bucky on it?

“You’ll get the max with your record. That’s fifteen years--” 

“Seven and no parole.” Bucky countered. 

Eddie snorted and shook his head. “Seven is a joke. How about I just arrest all of you now? You, Steve, and Clint on gun charges. Oh, and Tony and little Petey boy on hacking into how many federal databases?” 

Bucky pushed off the tree behind him and started towards Eddie. “You can’t bullshit me like you can Y/n. She’s got a soft heart, and I know men like you use that to your advantage, but I know how this works. You don’t have shit on the club. Maybe you can arrest a few of us on minor charges, but Fury will have us out before you can finish typing your damn report, which is why you haven’t made your move and why you went after Y/n.” 

“I thought she should know who she’s going to bed with,” Eddie hissed. 

Bucky eyed him for a longer than usual pause, watching the man as if he was in the middle of working him out and discovering a weakness he could use against him. Bucky didn’t like the look in his eyes when he talked about Y/n, and he didn’t like his temper. It left a traitorous pit in of bottom of his stomach -- before this went any further, he needed to be sure his girl was safe. 

“What’s your deal? I gotta say you seem a little too invested in my girlfriend.” 

“You don’t remember me do you?” Eddie asked with a broad smile, but it wasn’t a pleasant one. It was born from anger, annoyance, and maybe, a little embarrassment. 

“Can’t say that I do,” Bucky answered, not apologetic in the least. The man threatened his girlfriend so no, Bucky doesn’t have an ounce compassion for Eddie Brock. Eddie sighed and glanced up towards the clouds before he explained.

“I shouldn’t be surprised. Y/n didn’t either. We went to the same school for four years, and not one of you recognized me, but none of you paid any attention to me back then either. How do you think I was able to slip in and go unnoticed for long?” 

“So that why you’re doing all this?” Bucky needed the clarification because if this is what Bucky thought it was, he had to make sure Steve handled Eddie once this was all over and he wasn’t around anymore. “You’re mad because she fell in love with me and not you?”

“No,” Eddie laughed -- Actually laughed at Bucky as if that was the craziest thing he could have said. “No, but she did help me once. It was a silly thing. She’s always had that soft side you mentioned, but everyone knew she was yours. There was no room in her heart for anyone else, and no one was stupid enough to fall for her when you already had her. James Barnes always got what he wanted. Always.” 

Bucky was torn between the overwhelming desire to laugh in his face or knock his teeth down his throat. There hasn’t been a time in his life that Bucky has gotten what he’s wanted. He wanted to tell him how he had to watch his dad die for the sake of the club, how he lost the other half of his soul, repeatedly, and how he finally got her back only to lose her again; this time it was for good. The only thing he’s ever wanted was Y/n, and he could never hold on to her. 

So, no, James Barnes has never gotten what he wanted, and that will never change. 

But he wouldn’t give Eddie that satisfaction -- he was getting enough.  

“Fury already has the deal worked out. Seven years, no parole and I’ll help you get the Red Skulls. That’s my deal. Take it or leave it.” 

Eddie still wasn’t sold, and Bucky could see it in the way he watched him, but that’s the thing with guys like Eddie, Bucky just had to wait him out. So, Bucky crossed his arms over his chest and stared him down as he paced back and forth in the grass. He damn-near wore a brown patch in the field before he finally stopped in front of Bucky and nodded. “Alright, I have to clear it, but for now, you’ve got a deal.” 

He held out his hand, and for a moment, Bucky wanted to take it all back, but he knew that wasn’t an option. He didn’t have a choice. Bucky slowly reached out to shake his hand, clasping the shorter man's hand in a firm grip. Eddie grinned, and Bucky yanked him forward, _hard._  Eddie stumbled forward, but Bucky held him in place by his navy blue blazer and snarled. “I don’t care what deal we made or where I am if you go near Y/n  again I’ll make sure it’s the last fucking thing you do. She’s not part of this. She doesn’t know anything.” 

Eddie ripped his jacket free fro Bucky’s grasps, but they both knew the only reason he got away with it was that Bucky has already loosened his grip -- if Bucky had wanted him to stay right where he was he wouldn’t have moved an inch. Eddie straightened his jacket and met Bucky’s dark glare, he took a breath before he answered.

“I know she doesn’t. The only thing she’s guilty of is being stupid enough to fall in love with you before she knew the real you. She should have seen you for what you really were like I did.” 

“She’s the only one who knows the real me,” Bucky whispered just loud enough for Eddie to hear. 

It was easier if everyone thought he was the one that duped her into loving him -- he chased her until she fell for him and she simply couldn’t fight it, but that was never the case. From the moment Bucky laid eyes on her his heart was gone before he knew what was happening -- he was the one that never stood a chance. 

All he’s ever tried to do was be good enough for her; maybe this will finally make him worthy of her love. Too bad he won’t be around to see that. 

He took a step forward and tapped Eddie’s pocket with his middle finger, right where his badge was hiding. He smirked when Eddie caught the gesture and told him. “Get the deal typed up and signed or I walk. I won’t make a move till it’s approved by the D.A.”

“That’s it? You’re ready to give up everything, just like that?” 

Bucky ignored the question and turned away from him. It was a dumb fucking question, and he didn’t have the patience to entertain it. Of course, Bucky wasn’t ready to give up everything. This wasn’t his plan. His plan was simple, help Steve one last time and finally,  _finally_  get to love his girl the way she deserved -- away from this town and most importantly away from the club. He had a brief fantasy of shared vows and maybe even some blue-eyed babies; the dream was gone as quickly as his brain thought it up. He walked back to his bike where his smokes were hiding, and it gave him a second to remind himself why he has to do this. He reached into his shirt and squeezed the delicate band in his rough, calloused hand. Bucky turned his head to glare over his shoulder at Eddie and sighed.

“Once it’s approved and signed by all parties, I’ll make the call.”

“It’s going to take a few hours.” 

Bucky let go of the ring and turned back around to face Eddie. There was no going back now, and it’s not like he had anywhere else to be tonight. “I’ve got nothing but time, Eddie. Nothing, but time.” 


	12. More Than Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A means to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. General foreboding. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) ANGSTY. A lot of Angst. I’m so sorry. 
> 
> A/N: One more chapter left. (and an epilogue of course) I’m sorry this is so dark, but I swear it’s not gratuitous. All of this has a purpose. I didn’t drag this out because while this is an important moment in the story, the story is about the reader and Bucky. I have the epilogue edited and done as of last night I just have to wrap up a few pieces from chapter 13. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)  
> Come tumble with me @all1e23
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

Steve stared at the email for twenty, maybe thirty minutes. He wasn’t sure. It came in unexpectedly, and from the moment he read the subject line, he knew there was going to be trouble. There was always trouble when Fury had to get involved and with Bucky missing? Something big was happening, pawns were being moved, and Steve didn’t like being kept in the dark. If moves were being made, he wanted to know who was moving and where to because secret plays meant they were all in trouble.   

He never liked surprises because no matter the intention behind them surprises always ended badly.

Just once Steve would like to get good news. No end of the world. None of this trouble in Brooklyn or Queens. No crisis right before he was about to have dinner with his family. Just once he wanted everything to go the way it was supposed to. Steve read the email one more time, and his stomach twisted into knots, _‘Rogers, got a call from Barnes to work up some deal to present to the D.A. Why do I feel like a shit storm is coming and I’m the last to know? By the way, my retainer has gone up.’_

“Of course, your retainer has gone up,” Steve bristled to himself.

It’s not like the club didn’t have the means to see Bucky through whatever this was. They did, but a plea deal meant no trial. There was nothing to see him through because it was already decided. It meant he already talked to Eddie. Steve was not an idiot. Whatever Fury was referencing Bucky went straight to the source to handle it, and if he knew anything at all about his best friend, he was shouldering the blame, so no one else had to.  

“Daddy?” Steve looked up from his phone to find Emma standing in the doorway to his office, looking apprehensive. There was a big question on the tip of her tongue; she was trying her best not to ask, but it was shining in those bright eyes of hers. Steve smiled and waved for her to come in. She bolted into the room and climbed on his lap, snuggling into him as deeply as she could and seemingly content for a half-second. 

“What are you doing in here, princess? Shouldn’t you be having supper?” He asked and wrapped his massive arms around her locking her on his lap, despite the wiggles starting to take over her body she stayed put. 

“What about you, daddy? You has to has some.” She tilted her head back to meet his eyes and Steve could only smile down at her. His sweet, thoughtful baby girl always thinking about everyone before herself, especially him. She got that from Bucky. He pecked her cheek and told her, “Why don’t you go tell momma to get our plates ready, and I’ll come up and have a tea party with you?” 

Emma pulled back, beaming brighter than the neon club sign hanging on the wall behind her. “Really?!”

Steve bit back a chuckle and confirmed: “Really, baby girl.” 

"Can Uncle Bucky come with?" She begged -- puppy eyes and pouty lip in full effect. 

How the hell was he going to explain to his little girl that Uncle Bucky wouldn’t be around for tea parties anymore? No more dress up and the treehouse in the back yard would have to be finished without him. Yes, Steve didn’t know that for sure, but he had a pretty good feeling, and his feelings were rarely wrong. There weren’t many people alive that knew Bucky better than Steve does. Peggy might have to take point on this one. Steve wasn't sure he could tell them Uncle Bucky might not be coming home. Tonight, ignore the ache in his chest, he would tell Emma the same thing he was telling himself in the hopes he was wrong. 

"He's not home right now, baby. I'm sure when he gets back, he would love to have a tea party with you--" The vibrations of his phone from its place on the wooden desk in front of them cut him off. He doesn’t need to move to see who it is. He can see the name from where he’s at, and his baby girl doesn’t need to be in the room for this conversation.

“Emma, baby, go see momma, and I promise I’ll be right up.” 

“But daddy--” 

Her argument was quickly cut short by raised brows and a kiss to her nose. Steve waited until the door slammed behind Emma before he picked up his phone. He usually would lecture about slamming doors, but he was going to need a raincheck on their tea party so he would let this one slide. The call had gone to voicemail, which Steve ignored, and he quickly dialed Bucky back. 

“Buck, what the hell is going on? Y/n has been trying to call you. I got this strange email from Fury…Where are you? What deal did you make?” 

“Steve, I need you to not ask a lot of questions. I can’t tell you what's going on just yet. I gotta ask you a favor though.” There was a moment of pause. Steve had to pull the phone back to make sure he had called Bucky because the man on the other end of the line sounded nothing like the kid he grew up with and the man he knew.

“Alright,” Steve blew out a breath and leaned his arms on the desk in front of him, “What is it?” 

“I need you to set up a meeting with Red Skulls that I am going to take on my own--” 

“Like hell, you are!” Steve shouted, momentarily forgetting about the clubhouse full of people sitting just beyond the single-paned door in front of him.

“Steve,” Bucky growled. “I need you to trust me. This is the only way to make this all go away. When it’s all over meeting me at lockup and bring Y/n. Fury will give you a call when it’s time.” It was quiet on Steve’s end, and Bucky knew he was trying to find a way to meddle. He was working up some scheme on how he can fix this and stay by Bucky’s side. That wasn’t an option this time, and Steve needed to get that through his thick head. Bucky had one card left to play, and it was now or never. 

"You’ve trusted me your whole life to have your back, and I need you to trust me now, Stevie." 

He couldn’t deny Bucky that after everything they have been through together. 

“Yeah, okay, Buck. I’ll take care of it and text you with details when it's done  Sit tight.” 

It wouldn’t take much to get Schmidt to agree to a meeting. He’s been gunning for Steve and Bucky for years, and he would love the chance to get retribution. An eye for an eye, for all the times they’ve wrecked their plans and nearly sent him to prison. He sent off the message and tossed his phone onto the desk. All they had to do was wait on location confirmation. Steve just wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. 

“Steve?” 

He looked up from where his phone was resting comfortably, unaware of the damage it was causing, and the harsh lines on his face softened when he saw you standing there, eyes rimmed red and wrapped in Bucky’s sweatshirt. He’s never seen you look so small before. By the expression on your face, it was taking everything in you to stay standing, and for the first time in his life, he hated Bucky for whatever the hell he was about to do you. 

“Y/n, you’re not supposed to be in here,” He scolded half-heartedly and gave the nod for your to close the door, giving the two of you some semblance of privacy. You shut it, but you only took a few steps into the middle of the room. You snuck away when you asked Clint to grab you something to eat, so you only had a few minutes before he came looking for you. 

Having a big brother was great most of the time. It wasn’t so great right now -- when you wanted to fall apart and be left in pieces.

“Give me a break, Steve. Do you know all the things Bucky has done to me on that desk?” 

Steve winced at the implications of the tone lacing your words and the smirk on your face. He slowly pulled his arms off the desk, “Okay, well now I have to burn the desk. Thank you for those images.” 

You covered your mouth to stop your laughter, but the soft sound of your giggling slipping through your fingers had Steve chuckling. For a split second, there wasn’t anything wrong. You were simply laughing with an old friend, and things felt normal, simple, and comfortable like they had been years ago. The laughter slowly died out, and so did the comforting bubble the two you were floating in, and you were both reminded that everything was falling apart, and neither of you could stop the hands of time.  

“S-Steve,” He looked up when he heard the tremor in your voice, and his heart splintered when he saw tears spilling over onto your cheeks. “I know that was him you were talking to on the phone. He’s not coming back, is he? Will you at least tell me where he is?” 

“He’s handling club business. He will be home soon. You gotta trust him, Y/n.” 

It was hard to trust him when it was clear Steve was struggling to do the same. 

“I feel like I’m losing him, Steve. It's as if he’s already gone. I don’t know how or what's taken him but, he's gone.” You confessed. Your voice surprisingly calm despite the tears that were steadily falling now. You still hoped Steve would tell you you were crazy and only upset and all of this would be fine by morning. 

It wouldn’t be. Nothing would be the same tomorrow, and you both knew it.

“I'm right, aren't I?"

Steve wanted to tell you that you're wrong, ludicrous even but you aren't. He didn’t know what Bucky had planned, but one thing was for sure when this was all said and done Bucky wasn’t coming back. From the moment you came home, Steve knew the club would lose Bucky. He was going to do whatever it took to keep you away from this life even if that meant hurting himself in the process. Steve wasn’t sure what that sacrifice would entail until now. 

\--------

“All you have to do is get them to admit to one of the hundred felonies we both know they have committed over the last five years. The bigger, the better. I’m sure they will show up with illegal weapons on them, but if you can get them to admit to dealing and working in stolen guns that would go a long way to making sure they stay behind bars.”.

Eddie held out a kevlar vest for Bucky to take and continued, “We need specifics and not something they can talk their way out of later. Nothing that could be turned into a wish and not an action. Dates and locations would be best but try not to lead. Straight forward questions that leave no room for some crackpot defense team to have their confessions tossed.” 

The vest was still hanging from Eddie’s fingers when he finished up his little speech, he glanced at Bucky and surged the garment towards him again. Bucky huffed and shook his head, answering his unasked question with a small smirk.“I ain’t wearing that.” 

“What if they come in shooting?” 

“Then it’s my time to go,” Bucky said simply. “Look Schidmt might be a psycho but he’s not an idiot. He will be able to tell I’m wearing one and things will get real bloody, real quick.” 

“And you know that for a fact?” 

“We’ve known them a long time.” Eddie stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate. Bucky sighed. He already hated this deal. “About six or seven years ago, Steve and I found out about some of their more… unsavory pastimes. Killing women and kids to make a point. Selling guns to young kids on the streets, urging them to use them and showing them how. We put a stop to a few of their outings. Sent some anonymous tips in and busted up a few... parties.”

“That’s why you went after them on Lone Oak two years ago. You wanted to make sure they weren’t hurting anyone.” Eddie nodded in agreement, but Bucky didn't say a word. He wasn’t giving him anything about Lone Oak until this was all final. There was still something he ha to barter for, and he needed leverage to do it. 

“They threatened Y/n’s life, didn’t they?” Bucky met his eyes but didn’t answer him. He’s said enough. He’s given Eddie enough of himself, and he’s done talking about Y/n to this piece of crap. 

“Point is,” Bucky went on to explain. “They’ve been after Steve and me for a long time, you should get everything you want if you just hang back and listen.” 

“And if they shoot first?” 

“He likes to talk. I’ll be fine.” 

“Okay. If you’re not?” 

Bucky took a deep breath and pulled the chain out from under his shirt. He held the ring out for Eddie to see and tucked it back away just as fast. “Make sure that gets back to Y/n if I’m not.”

Eddie watched as he walked towards the abandoned building they were set up in, there was something off about him. He wasn’t acting like the Bucky he observed in high school, and he definitely wasn’t acting like the Vice President he had come to know over the last year. Something was amiss, and if Eddie didn't know any better, Bucky was hoping this would end bloody. Bucky was praying they came in shooting and he was the only casualty, Eddie could feel it. 

He cleared his throat and called through the unit’s earpieces, “Ready. Stay hidden until I give the call and keep an eye on Barnes.”

Bucky paced the length of the empty warehouse. He’s always hated waiting. It gave your brain time to come up with about a thousand scenarios on how everything could go wrong. He would love it if his head didn’t immediately show him the ten ways he was going to screw this up. The backdoor creaked when it opened, and Bucky spun around on his heels when it echoed through the empty space, expecting to find Johann Schmidt and instead, it was the biggest idiot he knew. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Steve?” Bucky hissed as he stalked towards his best friend,  _former_ best friend. 

“I’m with you till the end of the line, Buck.” 

“Not when you’ve got kids at home. I’m trying to save your ass,” Bucky clamored as he shoved all six feet and 220 pounds back towards the back door. Steve gripped Bucky’s shoulders halting his jostling and stared down at him. 

“And who is saving yours?” He countered. 

Bucky shook his head and yanked the back door closed, sealing them both into their fate.“There’s nothing anyone can do to save me.” 

“I know you’re planning on shouldering all the blame yourself. I don’t know for what exactly but I’m not stupid and neither is Y/n.”

He wasn’t about to talk about Y/n. Not now. 

“Just shut up and stay out of the way, okay?” 

Time moved slower now that Steve was there waiting too.  The seconds dragged on, and Bucky could feel regret pooling in his stomach. He should have talked to Y/n before he left. If this ended badly, would she know how much he loved her? Because even after everything they’ve been through, nothing could change his love for her. He hoped she knew because there was no time to make it right. He made his choice, and he had to follow through. 

Time had just run out. 

Bucky knew they arrived before they ever heard a purr of an engine. Something in his gut told him this was it -- the beginning of his end. The side door swung open, and both Bucky and Steve turned to face them. Seven idiots with what Bucky was sure were illegal guns strolled in first and then Johann Schmidt, President of Red Skulls in all his stink and glory. Several more of his goons followed behind him, but Schmidt held their attention. He looked… different from the last time they saw him. His face was covered in red ink that made his skin look like a red skull was sitting over his face, and Bucky couldn’t help what slipped out. 

“Jesus Christ, what happened to your face?” 

The crimson ink was covering nearly every inch of his face, neck, and from what they could see, it ran all the way down to his hands. It wasn’t terrifying, but it did make him look a whole new level of insane. “It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other. I had some pieces added. I like to memorialize important moments in ink. Don’t you do the same, James?” 

Steve glanced towards Bucky, and by the look in Schmidt's eyes, he knew the additions Bucky made after Y/n left. He was ensuring Bucky understood he’s been watching them and more than likely he had been watching Y/n while she was gone. He wasn’t going to play this game, not when Y/n was involved. 

“I gotta say,” Bucky crossed his arms over his chest and winced as he leaned in to get a better look, “I didn’t think your face could get much worse but this… _this_ is much worse.” 

“Yes, well, how is that pretty girl of yours? She would look quite beautiful covered in red. I should find out here soon. She’s still living with that idiot brother, isn’t she?” Bucky lunged forward, and Steve was right there to grab the back of his kutte, pulling him back into place. 

“Good idea. When will you learn to leash your attack dog, Steven?”  Schmidt leans forward and lowers his voice so only Steve and Bucky could make out his whispers, “The first chance I get, I’ll kill herself myself. Do you remember what it was like when I burned those girls you tried to save? Do you remember their screams? I wonder what Y/n’s screams would sound like?” 

Bucky smirked and Schmidt’s grin slowly faded. That wasn’t the response he was hoping for, regardless he had a job to finish and a pretty girl to find. He raised his hand, and the men behind him raised their weapons. 

“Here I was just giving you credit for not being stupid,” Buck fished out the chain from under his shirt and held out the end -- a shiny new microphone attached to Y/n’s ring. A bright red dot appeared in the middle of Schmidt's chest and another right between his eyes, followed by several on the men standing around him. Schmidt looks around and gestures for the men to drop their weapons. 

“You really do look good in red,” Bucky winks. 

“Do you know what happens to rats Barnes? They don’t make it very long in our life!”

“If I were you I would keep your trap shut. You’ve already said enough.” 

\-----

The entire bust took about five hours when it was all said and done. It wouldn’t take much for the town to forget The Red Skulls ever existed, and with any luck, they would start to turn on each other by the time they reached booking. Bucky had a feeling the newbies would be the first to crack. The D.A. wanted a big bust, there were no doubts they would make whatever deals they needed to make to keep Schdimt behind bars.  Truthfully, Bucky expected they would want the same from him. Because the fucked up part about all this was, they couldn’t see a bit of difference between him and Schmidt.

“You gonna tell me what the deal is now?” 

Bucky sighed as Eddie marched towards them. “Nah, What fun would that be? You’ll find out soon enough, Steve.” He looked over at Steve and grinned, but it was phony and forced. The same grin he used anytime Steve needed to know he was okay and he wasn’t. Bucky was pretty sure Steve could see right through it. Bucky was right, he could.  

“You kept up your end of the deal. I have to say I am a little surprised you did. I thought for sure you were going to do something stupid to get yourself killed.” Eddie said with a chuckle, but neither of them laughed in return. 

“I am a man of my word,” Bucky retorted. “I know that’s a strange concept when you lie for a living.” 

“Pretty sure Eddie’s always been a lying sack of crap, Buck. The job just helped to bring it out,” Steve affirmed with a smirk, but it only made Eddie grin. He already won after all. What more did he really need to take from Steve? Maybe just a bit of his ego. 

“I didn’t hear you talk much in there. What happened to big, bad Steve Rogers?” 

“It wasn’t my fight. It was Bucky’s.” 

“Well, you’re lucky he already made his deal, or you would be in the back of one of those cars. Right by your best pal here.” Eddie pointed out, wearing a grin that left Steve with an uneasy feeling. A pair of handcuffs were pulled out of his back pocket, and Bucky subtly shook his head, he didn’t want Steve getting himself in trouble over this. There wasn’t a point. The deal was already made. The stone already cast. It was too late to change any of this, and Bucky was starting to think this was the way it was meant to go all along. 

“Buck, I’ll handle it. I’ve just gotta make a call.” 

“Fury can’t help this time. Deals have already done. Just waiting on a signed confession.” Bucky held his arms out and let Eddie slapped the cuffs on with far too much enjoyment. 

“A confession to what, Buck?” 

Bucky looked back over his shoulder as he was escorted towards a waiting police car, shouting back towards Steve, “Get my bike home, and you better take care of my girl.” He caught a glimpse of Steve dialing someone, no doubt Fury, trying to undo all of this.  Bucky dug his feet into the dirt before they could stuff him into the backseat and locked eyes with Eddie. “Before I sign this confession and all of this goes down, I want one thing.” 

Eddie blew out a long breath and shook his head. He knew it wouldn’t be that easy. He  _fucking_  knew it. “And what might that be?” 

“I need to see Y/n one more time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it counts.


	13. Goodbye is All We Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes are not forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Adulty themes. Yes, I’m a grown-up, and I said adulty themes. Sweet, soft, protective Bucky. (Yes, that’s a warning. That could kill you!) ANGSTY. A lot of Angst. I’m so sorry.
> 
> A/N: It’s the end babies! Well, sorta. Pretty important epilogue still to come and depending on how badly y’all cry over this I might release the epilogue tomorrow morning instead of Sunday. All of this has a purpose. Just remember the whole point of this story is about how they continue to lose each other over and over only to find their way back to each other time and time again. Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

“I want to see Y/n one more time before I sign anything. I need to explain why all of this is happening, and I owe her a real goodbye. I’m only askin’ for a few minutes alone with my girl before I lose her. No cameras and no cuffs.” Bucky raised his arms and made the chains jingle against the metal leg of the table he was shackled to. “You’ll have the confession and me soon enough.” 

Eddie had been quiet the entire drive and stayed that way. Bucky assumed he was processing Bucky’s conditions. The second they made it to the station he was whisked off to an interrogation room where he was chained to a metal table that was bolted into the cement floor. A little unnecessary if you asked Bucky. No one was really asking him much of anything anymore. He didn’t have anything else to offer or barter with now that it was done. 

Still, he hoped, Eddie wouldn’t screw him over. Not after everything, Bucky was handing him. 

“You know you don’t call the shots right? That’s not how this works. You calling the shots is how you ended up here.” 

Bucky leaned back letting the metal legs of the chair scrape against the floor and eyes Eddie. He was certainly more confident now that they were on his turf, but Bucky still saw him for what he was. A cheap excuse for a good man. 

“You know what? I think the trauma from today rattled my brain a little and I’m havin’ trouble remembering. Was it Red Hook Drive? I can’t remember the street name. In fact, I don’t recall hardly any of the details from that day--” 

“Fine,” Eddie snapped as he paced back and forth a few times, gnawing his lip. He wouldn’t have time to clear it. Without a doubt, Steve had gone straight back to the clubhouse to grab Y/n and Fury. He couldn’t risk Bucky going back on his confession. They needed him for the trial against Schmidt, and yeah, he wanted Bucky. Maybe he was petty and childish, but he wanted to know Bucky was finally getting what he deserved. Eddie stalked towards the door and conceded to Bucky’s request, “Give me an hour, and you can have twenty minutes with her. After that, you’re signing the confession, or I’m going after every single member of your club.”  

It took closer two hours before there was any hint that Eddie was going to follow through on his word, and in those excruciating one hundred and twenty minutes, Bucky had a hard time keeping his cool. He felt like a raw nerve, exposed, and unstable. The walls were closing in on him, and the tension in the air burned. He just wanted to see you, touch you one more time. Bucky was near losing control when the metal door swung open and hit the wall behind it, an officer strolled up to Bucky and uncuffed him without a word. He was gone, the door shut before Bucky could ask what was happening. 

He rubbed his wrists where the metal had begun to rub, and he wondered if they were bringing in someone to sign his confession or if you were actually here. His curiosity was answered when the door opened once more, and Eddie ushed you through the door. 

The snap of the door shutting echoed through the room, and you threw yourself into Bucky’s open arms once you were sure you were alone. You buried your face against his neck, breathing him in for the first time in nearly twenty-four hours. It was far too long. The way your skin turned cold when he was gone made you hate any moment you had to spend apart. Bucky felt the same icy dread every time you were out of reach, and it seemed unfair he had to return to the ice right when he was beginning to warm. Bucky enveloped you in his arms and simply held you. He held you in silence for a long, long time. He wasn’t sure for how long you lingered there like that, but he wasn’t going to rush. 

He would never get the chance again.

“Bucky, what’s going on? Why are you in here?” You asked against the soft skin of his neck where you had your face hidden -- Bucky assumed it was to keep your tears hidden, he felt them on his skin but didn’t call attention to them. If you wanted it to go unnoticed, he would respect that. 

“Is everything okay?” He hated how small and broken your voice sounded, and knowing it was his fault only made his decision easier. 

“It will be soon. I took care of the problem. You and the club are going to be fine.” At that, you pulled back, no longer caring if Bucky saw the tears catching in your lashes, not quite ready to fall. 

“What does that mean? Does it have anything to do with Johann Schidmt sitting in a holding cell?”

Bucky brushed your hair out of your face and nodded solemnly, “I made a deal with Eddie and the D.A. I gave them some dirt on the club for an open case from a few years ago and Schidmt if they agreed to leave you and the club alone. With my record, I got fifteen years for possession of illegal guns.” 

Fifteen years was a long time, and he deserved every year for the things he has done. Fury had somehow managed to get them to agree to the seven years he asked for. Bucky wasn’t going to question how he did it, but he wasn’t going to let you waste the next seven years with weekend visits and prison phone calls on a man that will never be good enough for you. 

He’s known how this was going to end from the first time he told you he loved you. Bucky has never deserved you, and it was time you found someone who did. 

You frowned and shook your head in confusion, “That wasn’t you or the club.” 

“I know, but they needed something big, and it’s not like I don’t deserve it. The club isn’t innocent, and my hands aren’t exactly clean.” 

It didn't hurt that he could keep an eye on Schmidt while he was locked up. 

Bucky could see all of it in your eyes, and you processed what he was telling you. Your thoughts were so loud they were screaming at him -- you were desperately trying to figure out how to fix this, stop all of this from happening and right then, he knew he had made the right choice in lying to you. You would never move on if you thought there was a chance for you to be together,  “Okay. Okay, I bet Clint can be ordained online or Sam. Sam would love to say he married us and we can do a small ceremony after you get booked--” 

No. That unquestionably was not happening. 

“Stop, baby. Stop.” He clasped your hands to calm your panic and brought them to his lips where he placed several gentle kisses to trembling fingertips. He didn’t bring you here for this, and you didn’t have time to argue. 

“I’m not having a wedding here with you. You are so much more than a felon and a jailhouse wedding.”  

“I just want you. I don’t care about the rest.” And he loves you for that, but he refuses to give you that life -- his mother’s life. He wasn’t going to leave you at home, living on pause, waiting for him to come back just to turn everything upside down again when he finally showed up. You could see in his eyes it wasn’t happening. He wasn’t going to give in to you like he usually would, and it was pointless to fight with time running out. 

“Fine, then I can wait. I can visit you on weekends. We can write letters. There’s a bit of romance in that, right? And, you can always get out early--” 

“No, baby,” He smiles despite the lump in throat and chains tightening around his heart. “No waiting for me this time. You’re going to go start the life you always wanted. Get married in that little white chapel out on 95. Have a ton of babies or don’t if you don’t want to. Finally, start your career. Fall in love with someone who can give you all the things I never could. 

“I should have left with you when you asked all those years ago. I was young and stupid and thought I had to prove somethin’ to my dad and maybe to myself. I thought if we left together and it was only you and me, you would see I’m not really worth much of anything. I want-- I need you to know, I wanted to go that night. Every part of me wanted to run away with you, and I’ve regretted my choice every day since you left.”

You didn’t need to know he came back for you for that morning, that he was ready to leave with you then and never look back. It would only hurt you, and he’s hurt you enough. Bucky just had to make sure you knew it was never your fault, every failure in your relationship was on him no matter how you spun it. If he had only trusted in you and left when you asked, he wouldn't be standing before you, breaking your heart. 

“We can still figure it out…” You hiccuped through the tears that had finally fallen. You hadn’t realized they had spilled onto your cheeks until you tasted them on your lips. Bucky smiled wistfully and wiped away the freshly spilt tears with his thumbs. 

“No, Y/n, we can’t. This is it, baby, but you can start something new and good without me.” He let go of you long enough to pull the chain from around his neck and held it out for you to take, but you didn’t want it back. Not like this and not then. You frantically shook your head and gripped his biceps as if you could sense your time was drawing near its end. 

“I don’t want it this way.” You heard yourself whisper.  

“It was always meant to be yours, baby. I knew it the second I saw it.” He slipped the chain over your head and touched your cheeks, cupping your face in his hands. You leaned into his touch and Bucky kissed you, swift and deeply. It was salty from your tears, but sweet like all your kisses are. There wasn’t time for all the kisses he wanted to give, but he needed it to be one you would both remember. He was going to miss the way you leaned into him to tug on the chain around his neck, the softness of your lips and the whimper that slipped out when he tried to pull away. 

He was going to miss you. 

“I’ve failed you a lot over the years, in every way imaginable, but I’ve loved you from the very first day we met, and I’ll love you till my last.” 

The door creaked, and a gust of cold wind hit them. Bucky peered over his shoulder, he knew it was Eddie but seeing him standing there made it real. Their time was officially up. Their tale has reached its last page. He had asked they wait to cuff him until he was out of your sight. That would explain the seven officers, but by the smirk on Eddie’s face, he was not going to follow through with that promise. He looked back at you and pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead. 

“Don’t forget what I said, baby. You’ll always be my swallow,” Bucky whispered and slowly stepped back from you, putting his hands behind his back. The cold metal on his wrists stung -- not for the reasons Eddie hoped. 

Losing his freedom was not the loss that would break him in the end.

There were a thousand things you could say but none that would come close to one last I love you. “ Al-ways, Buck. I-I love y-you.” 

Bucky smirked, “I love you, too, pretty girl. Always.” 

Being yanked and dragged down the hallway, Bucky felt empty. His chest hallow, heart removed and left there in the room with you. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for the path he chose, and you would never find your way back to him. 

Not this time. 

“Rogers and your brother are waiting for you. I’m sorry things had to go this way--” Eddie was still talking, but you had stopped listening. You quickly wiped away any signs of tears as you waited for him to finish up whatever bullshit speech he was giving you. You’ve heard it all before. They were all the same -- It was for the best, and you would move on to something better.

It wasn’t, and you wouldn’t. 

“You never had anything, did you?” You asked, staring at the vacant hallway Bucky was just standing in only seconds earlier. “On the club I mean. You used me. You used my love for my brother and Bucky against me. You tricked me into thinking I had no other choice but to meet with you because you knew it would get back to the club and lead to this.” 

“I didn’t have the information I led you to believe I had, no, but this was important. That club has been poisoning everyone around them for decades--” You turned to face him, and the hardened look in your eyes had his tongue twisted, and the words he had rehearsed for you faded away as if they never existed. 

“And all you had to do was wait for me to come home. You knew Bucky would do whatever it took to keep me out of it and the second I came home, you jumped at the chance. You pretended to care what happened to me. You told me I deserved more than Bucky and his life, but you don’t care what I deserve, do you? You wanted this bust and used me to get it.” 

“Y/n…” 

You stepped towards Eddie, crowding his space but raised your voice enough for the officers around the two of you to hear as you scolded him, “You think you’re the better man because you’re wearing a badge? That piece of metal doesn’t make you a good man. You’re not even a tenth of the man he is. You can spend the rest of your life trying, but you are always going to fall short.” 

You brushed passed Eddie and ran straight for Clint who was waiting just outside the door. “He’s gone, Clint. It’s done.” You babbled. 

Clint bound you in his arms, secured you in a tight embrace, and shielded you from the eyes of those around you. He guided towards the doors and whispered against the shell of your ear, It's okay, bug. We will figure it out. Deep breaths. I've got ya. Eddie came racing down the hall, chasing after you, intent on apologizing or at least saying something to help you move forward and maybe ease a bit of his own guilt but he was met with a hard wall of muscle, blocking him from getting any closer to you or any other member of Steve’s family. 

Steve crossed his arms over his chest and glared down at Eddie. A distorted, angry laugh rumbled from Eddie’s chest, and he stepped back, holding up his hands. “You want to tell me Bucky is the better man? Just because he’s a felon doesn’t mean he’s a bad man? Save it. His little lady beat you to the punch.” 

Steve laughed, hollow and full of resentment. “Nope. I don’t need to rub it in your face when it looks as though you got the message, but you should be careful, detective. I had a chat with some of our friends, and it looks like they also had a new prospect sniffing around. A lot of clubs don’t take well to rats within their ranks. All that sneaking around might come back to bite you in the ass.” 

Steve grinned and patted Eddie on the shoulder on his way out, following close behind you and Clint. Eddie took in the officers standing around him and rapt in their stares and whispers. Steve Rogers would never let him get away with taking Bucky in like this and Eddie had a suspicion Steve wouldn’t stop until retribution was obtained. He collapsed into the chair with a huff and tore his shield from his chest dropping onto his desk. 

Maybe he didn’t deserve it after all. 

You sat in the back of Steve and Peggy’s SUV where your brother had put you, and Peggy's arms were settled around you where they had no intention of moving from. You watched the stone walls and gates as they faded into the distance behind you--- your heart seized, your skin burned and the air in your lungs turned to smoke with the loss.

“We will figure it out. I promise, darling.” Peggy assured you. She continued on, but you had no idea what she was saying, her voice was soothing to listen to despite it though. 

Peggy continued to hold onto you and let you sag against her as she prattled on about your next step, this new part of your life. You didn’t know how to tell her there was no new part of your life. How could you move and start a new life? You’ve loved him for way too long to simply love someone else. You didn’t know how to not love Bucky. For more than half your life you’ve loved Bucky, and now you were left with half a heart -- half gone or half still holding on, it didn’t matter, half of you was gone forever either way you spun. You didn’t want to admit it out loud just yet. Maybe you would be able to tomorrow, but for tonight you were holding on.

No matter how far you are pulled apart, you will always find your way back to each other. You just had to have faith and trust that you will find each other again one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick with me till the epilogue loves.


	14. Epilogue: Nearly Eight Years Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was time to let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It’s the end! Thank you for sticking with me. I love this so so so so much, and I don’t normally say that about my writing. lolol. It’s a bit long for an epilogue, but I felt it was needed. The friend Steve mentions in the letters in the first half is Phil, and when he says the garage, he means the club. Gotta talk in code. Prison, ya know? Send me love because I’m needy. No beta so read at your own risk. ;-)
> 
> ***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam though! Thanks!*

_Buck,_

_Of all the dumb things you’ve ever done telling Y/n you’re over, and she needs to move on has to be one of the dumbest. You know she’s been writing you? She tried to come up and see you and they sent her away, but I’m guessing you know all that since you have to refuse._

_She won’t wait around forever, you know? Or, maybe she will. The two of you I swear…_

_I don’t know if you really thought about what you asked of her. Have you really thought about losing her to someone else? You keep pushing her away, and you might get your wish. She loves you. Don’t be an idiot._

_We are good. Garage is doing good. We miss you._

_I’ll write you soon._

_Stay out of trouble._

_\------_

_I don’t expect you to write me a love letter or anything but at least let me know your smartass mouth hasn’t gotten you killed, okay?_

_Henry & Emma miss their Uncle. I was thinking about bringing them up to see you. Peggy thinks it would be good for everyone. You’re my family, no matter what. You’re my brother. _

_Everyone is good. Garage is good._

_Y/n… is good. She misses you._

_Bring the twins for the fourth? Might do you some good._

_\------_

_If you don’t answer me, Buck, I’m coming up anyway._

_Don’t shut everyone out._

_  
Everyone is good. Garage is good._

_\------_

_**I’m not dead.** _

_**No. I don’t want you or the twins here.** _

_**Y/n will move on. Just takes time.** _

_**Tell her it takes time.** _

_\------------------_

_Six Months_

_\------------------_

_You’re a stubborn ass._

_Nice to get something back finally. I have to say, it hurt Y/n to know you’re writing me. She was visiting Peggy when I got the letter. Can’t you write her back once? It’s been six months since you went in._

_Six months is a long time, Buck._

_When are you going to let go of this bullshit and let me come see you?_

_Everyone is good. Garage is good. Thinking about a change._

_\------_

_**Never. Stop asking.** _

_**Please stop talking about Y/n in your letters, Steve. Stop bringing her up. Stop telling me how she’s doing. I need to keep her out of my head if I am going to make it without her.** _

_**Tell her I stopped writing. She can’t move on if she’s waiting on me and she needs to move on.** _

_**A change?** _

_\------_

_You’re a bloody idiot James Buchanan Barnes. I don’t think I have ever met someone as foolish-- Do you even know how a woman’s heart works? Or love for that matter? Are you really senseless enough to believe that Y/n could simply walk away from you? Forget you existed?_

_Stop being utterly ignorant and let her come see you._

_Sorry about that. Peggy says, hi._

_Okay, Buck. I won’t bring her up again._

_Henry and Emma added some drawings. I don’t know if they will let you keep them. I hope they do. You deserve something for Christmas._

_Yes, a change. It’s about time, I think. Tony is ready to retire, and I think the rest of the garage is tired of working on cars day in and day out after everything. We all want something new. Nothing is for sure. I’ll let you know if we decide to close the shop doors for good._

_  
Merry Christmas, Buck._

_\------_

_**Merry Christmas, Steve** _

_\---------------_

_One Year_

_\---------------_

_Hey, Buck._

_Been a few months since I’ve heard from you. I know the longer you’re in, the harder it is. Don’t be mad, but I had a friend check up on you to make sure you’re okay. He said you’re staying quiet and keeping to yourself. I told him to keep an eye on you._

_Bitch all you want. At least I know someone is watching your back when I can’t._

_Twins are doing good. Ems is doing ballet now. You should see her in the little pink glitter tutu they make her wear. It’s adorable and I kind of hate it. I’m in trouble, Buck. Big trouble. Henry is good. Smartmouth. Takes after you. Always getting into fights. That one might be on me._

_Everyone is good. Garage is good._

_Write me back._

_\------_

_Six months and no word? Fine. I get it. You don’t want to talk, but I won’t abandon you. I won’t let you do this alone, no matter how determined you are to punish yourself._

_Nothing has changed much. Henry started playing football. Emma is still dancing. Peggy says you’re still an idiot, but she loves you._

_Sam is good. Pissed you won’t let him visit._

_Everyone is good. Garage is good._

_\-----------------_

_Two Years_

_\-----------------_

_Dance is a thing of the past._

_Emma has moved on to cheer and, man, do I hate cheer. Hate it, Buck. Henry is still playing ball. Pretty good, I think. Peggy says too young to tell._

_Everyone is good. We all miss you. Garage is good, but I think it’s time we talked closing up shop. Tony is retiring at the end of this year. Wants more time with Pepper and Morgan. I don’t blame him. Working all the time, I miss the twins._

_They are growing up fast._

_I miss you, Buck._

_\-----_

_I don’t even know what to say. I wish you would let me know how you are. Give me something here, Bucky?_

_Everyone is good. Garage is good for now._

_I know you don’t want to know, but she’s okay._

_\-------------------_

_Three years_

_\-------------------_

_Merry Christmas, Buck._

_I sent you money to your commissary so you could at least get a few magazines and maybe some smokes. How are you doing? We miss you. The twins miss you. Sam misses you._

_Got your outstanding debt paid off and gave your bike a tuneup. She’s purring real pretty, but don’t worry she’s still your girl. I’ll make sure she’s in good shape when you get home._

_\----_

_**Thanks for the smokes. I was about to lose my mind. Oh, and keep your ugly ass off my girl.** _

_**Miss you all, too. Don’t tell Sam I said that.** _

_**I’m glad she’s moving on.** _

_\-----------------_

_Four Years_

_\-----------------_

_Since you’ve ignored my last ten letters, I’ll take it you don’t want to talk. Fine. I added pictures from the twin's birthday, and before you get pissed, there aren’t any pictures of her. I didn’t think you would want them._

_I made sure to throw in a couple of gifts from you into their mountain of gifts. Emma is over tea parties, but she’s really into make-up, so expect a makeover when you get out. Maybe your niece can get you to cut your hair?_

_You’re nearly there, Buck. Hang on a bit longer, and you’ll be home._

_If you change your mind, about the pictures, just say the word. See you soon._

_\------_

_**Just one. Please.** _

_\----------------_

_Five years_

_\----------------_

_**Don’t you have a wife and kids to take care of? A sam, too? Instead, you’re spending all your time writing to me.  Sixteen letters is a bit much, Stevie.** _

_**I’m okay, punk. I’m alright.** _

_**Listen, I know you want me to come and stay with you when I get out, but I’m not so sure it’s a good idea. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t work for the garage after this mess. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay at your place. I don’t want to mess up your life now. Drop it for now, okay, Steve?** _

_**I know I never said, but, thank you for the picture. ~~I miss her~~. Just thanks. ** _

_\------_

_If you would write me back regularly this wouldn’t be an issue, you know? I wouldn’t feel the need to check up on you several times a week. Now, what the hell are you thinking, Buck?_

_Where are you going to go if not home? This has been your home your entire life. You come home, stay with us, and figure out your next step. You will always have a place here so quit trying to get out of it punk. You’re family._

_You’re welcome. She misses you, too. We all do._

_\-------_

_I hear there was an incident at the prison. Schmidt was found dead. In the one corner of the rec yard that has a blind spot from cameras? That’s a tough break._

_\-------_

_**I was in solitary for mouthing off to some guard -- Coulson I think. Wasn’t there. Too bad I missed it, but we are all better off.** _

_\---------------_

_Six Years_

_\---------------_

_It looks like the garage will be settled at the end of the year. I’ll save your share from the sale for when you get out. I talked to Fury, and he said one of us can be there to pick you up. I am guessing that it will be me? I won’t bring the kids or Peggy. Give you some time to get your head together before I bring you home._

_Peggy is talking about getting the spare room set up for you. It already has all your things packed up in boxes from the garage. You can stay here for as long as you like. I”m sure the twins would love to have their uncle back and I wouldn’t mind having my best friend back either._

_Let me know the date once you’ve got it figured out and I’ll be there with your girl. I haven’t touched her! I swear no one has touched your bike._

_Y/n is okay, too. Stubborn, but good._

_We will talk soon… Hell, I’ll see you, I guess._

_Soon, Buck. Just a few more months._

_\------_

_**Steve,** _

_**It’s good the garage settled.** _

_**It was time to let that go; time for everyone.** _

_**I should still go. I know I don’t have to. I know I can stay with you and Pegs. I’ll always be grateful to you for everything you’ve done, but I can’t.** _

_**We both know that.** _

_**A lot can change in seven years. You’ve got teenagers. Do the twins really remember me? Might be weird to have a stranger hanging around they have to call their uncle. You and Pegs deserve time alone, and you don’t need a third wheel hanging around.** _

_**To be honest, I don’t know if I can see… her. She’s moved on, and I’m glad. I really am. That’s all I wanted for her. I didn’t want her to waste her life waiting for me to show back up so I could fuck it up again. I just… I can’t watch that. I can’t handle seeing her with someone else, and I won’t make her leave town and leave her family again.** _

_**There’s no place for me here now.** _

_**Besides, I’ve always wanted to take my bike and hit the road. Go from coast to coast. See what shit is out there. Maybe this is my time?** _

_**I think Fury sent you the paperwork with my release date. If you could, bring my bike and my bag. Just drop it at the gate. I can’t face everybody. I won’t leave if I do.  Thank you for everything and thank you for watching over her when I couldn’t.** _

_**I’ve only ever wanted her happy. Maybe now she can have the life she’s always wanted.** _

_**See ya around, Stevie.** _

_\---------------------------------------------------------------_

_Seven years, three months and six days_

_\---------------------------------------------------------------_

“Barnes! Let’s go!” 

Bucky tucked his longer than usual hair behind his ears and ran his hand over his leather jacket, staring at the missing patch as he followed the guard in front of him. He was glad the club shut down last year. It was more than time to kill it. His father started the club to keep his neighborhood safe, but it has only ever led to more destruction. He should have shut it down when his father died, but what would he have done to support you? Yeah, it sounded stupid and old fashioned. He knew he didn’t have to support you, but he really did. That was just the man he was, and outside of being a mechanic and an outlaw, there wasn’t much to him. 

Honey and amber-colored rays were barely peeking up over the tops of the trees. Bucky wasn’t sure where he was going to go, but he knew his place wasn’t in this town anymore. Everyone grew up and moved on while he was locked up, and it was time he did the same.

The gate slowly rolled open, and Bucky stepped onto the other side, his shoulders sagged in relief. It felt good to be out, but he still felt empty after everything he had to give up to get this...  _freedom_. Bucky always thought when he was finally free of the club, it would be for you; he would have you. The part of him that couldn’t let you go, even after all these years, wondered what you were doing right then -- getting ready to have dinner, taking your kids to see Clint, or having dinner with your husband, maybe? Bucky didn’t know if any of that was reality or a painful joke his head invented to hurt his heart. Truthfully, he didn’t know anything about you anymore, and he needed it to stay that way if he was going to live without you. He couldn’t bear to hear about the life you built without him, but he hoped you had all that and so much more. 

He hoped you had everything you ever wanted. 

The gate shut behind him, and Bucky could breathe again -- as best he could without you anyway, it would take more than seven years to learn how to breathe without you. Bucky eyes scanned the parking lot until he spotted his bike in the far corner, and his heart dropped. He told Steve he didn’t want anyone to see him off. He couldn’t handle saying goodbye again, and of course, the little shit didn’t listen.

Because there  _you_ were. 

You gently pushed off the bike and started towards him. Bucky’s eyes dropped to the ground, and he shook his head; as angry as he wanted to be, he couldn’t find it in himself to upset. 

He was  _so_  relieved to see you.

Bucky stopped in front of you and sighed, “You weren’t supposed to waste your life on me. I told you to find some good ol’ boy and get married at the church and all that. What happened to starting your life?” 

You shrugged and closed the gap between you, “You can’t tell me what to do. And who says waiting for you was wasting my life? I get to decide what my life looks like not you.” 

“Stubborn,” Bucky huffed with a grin. 

“Impossible,” You countered, smirking right back. 

Bucky wanted to explain why he didn’t write or call, tell you why he wanted you to move on, but he knew you understood. You always understood. You knew his heart better than he did -- you’ve held it for longer than he has. 

He looked down, and the guns n’ roses t-shirt made him grin. Fourteen years later and you’re still wearing that old thing just because he bought it for you on your anniversary. In the middle of the rose, resting comfortably was your ring hanging from his old chain. Bucky licked his lips and hooked his right index in your ring, giving a gentle tug. 

“Rings go on your finger, sweetheart.”

You reached back to undo the chain and finally parted the ring from the chain, letting it sit on his index finger but only for a moment. You held your left hand out, and he slipped it the delicate band on. He never thought the first time he would get that ring on your finger would be as a convicted felon, standing in the middle of a prison's parking lot. That didn’t matter he supposed. None of that bullshit has mattered for a long, long time. The only thing that mattered was you, and you were here. 

You were really here and still his. 

“I can’t go back." He tested warily. 

One last chance. An out. He was giving it to you freely. He wouldn’t be angry with you for taking it. He understood the burden of loving him and what it meant for your future. He would never blame you for not being able to handle that weight. Bucky’s loved you for more than half his life, and he knew better than most, sometimes, loving you meant letting you go for a bit. You're never really lost in the end. 

Whether he had to let you go or not, he was going to go on loving you till his last breath.

A quick nod towards the back of the bike he spotted your bag strapped on top of his and that old wooden box of his dads tucked comfortably between them. You already knew, and neither of you was going back home. You were both starting over somewhere new just like you always wanted.

Bucky captured your lips in one quick swoop, and it was just as he remembered -- sweet and sure, the only thing that has kept his heart beating these last twenty-odd years; your love and those sweet kisses. His forehead rests against yours, and his hands tightened around your waist. He just had to make sure you were real and not another dream. You tugged at his leather and took a deep breath, breathing him in after seven long years, and nothing at all had changed. You smiled and let your hands wander up his chest and wrap securely around his neck, tiny fingers finding their way into delicate strands.  

“Can we start our life now?” 

He grinned and dropped one more kiss to your lips.

“Yeah, baby, we can start our life now.” 

A yelp echoed in the nearly empty lot as Bucky’s arms tightened around your waist and lifted your feet from the ground, carrying you to his bike and grinning the whole way. He had planned on riding off with no destination in mind and a heavy heart dragging behind him, but somehow he got another chance, and he wasn't sure what he did to earn it. He certainly didn’t deserve it or you. It didn’t matter why he got it. Now that he had it, he was going to spend the next few decades making up for every secret and lie, every tear shed and every second spent apart. 

You always find your way back to each other, and he was stupid to think this time would be any different. 

The bike rumbled to life under you both and Bucky settled back against you for a moment, letting his hand rest on your leg -- a little pause to be sure. His reassurance came as a lingering kiss to his cheek. He sat up and let your arms envelop him; one around his waist and the other draped over his shoulder. And, then, all you could see was a sunset glow and blacktop. Bucky pulled your left hand from his chest and placed a kiss to your swallow before letting it rest back over his heart. A stoplight and a soft whisper in his ear asking where you were headed and a simple answer,  _wherever you want, pretty girl._   He could go anywhere as long as you were there. You didn’t respond or mention a destination, so he was going to drive till one or both of you got tired. 

You’ve got plenty of time to figure out where you’re headed, but he was stopping at the first chapel he sees. Maybe he would take you on out to California. That ring on your finger might sparkle different in that fancy west coast sunshine. Bucky wouldn't mind finding out, but for now, he would just drive. Your weight melted against his back, relaxing into his warmth and it ignited a deep, hidden piece of his soul that’s only ever been meant for you. He met your eye in the small triangle-shaped side mirror and winked as his wrist twisted forward, lurching the bike ahead. The squeal that fell from your lips had him laughing, loud, and unbridled. Of course, his first real laugh in a decade was because of you and everything was just as it should be. You tightened your arms around him, and he placed a hand over your own, guarding his heart and yours. 

Just like always. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise? I'm answering questions about the series on Tumblr this weekend if you got any. Come hang with me. @all1e23


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